by Karan Sims

Most parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age two. It's the first time dealing with power struggles.See the Positive Parenting class for more dealing with power struggles. They feel challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times into a rewarding growth period for them and their children. A shift in perspective concerning the child's behavior a parent becomes clever and creative. Now a parent's response to the child's perceived "headstrong, rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior is more positive.

Special on Online Power Struggles Class at Udemy 84% off until 8am March 4, 2025.

Empowering not Overpowering

Switch the view that children's willful behavior is "bad" and therefore the parent must discipline in a way that overpowers the child. Instead a parent can view this behavior as a healthy positive sign of their child's development. Then the parent ca find ways to empower the child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals in the developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves. Also exerting their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own way, declaring ownership and authority.

When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight - either giving in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive behaviors. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and valuable and dealing with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the parents. *For more ideas see the Positive Parenting Recorded Online Class

Dealing with Power Struggles - The First Step is to Side-Step

The first step in effectively and positively dealing with power struggles is to side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other end of the rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready for a nap. "NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" "I want you to carry me upside down and tickle me as we go."

The mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle and by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created an ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than hateful and painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power struggle, you send your child the message "I am not going to fight with you. I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I'm not going to give in, either."

Choices, Not Orders

After side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the change made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again at the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper was changed and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was ended.

When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.

Also be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.

Choices should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.

Dealing with Power Struggles - Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful

Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this situation?" One mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.

Do the Unexpected

One parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose is not to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with her children and keep her end goal of a close, loving and cooperative atmosphere in mind.

Dealing with Power Struggles - Getting to Win-Win

Power struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their children by responding to a child’s demands, "That sounds like a good way for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think of a solution that works for both of us?"

Dealing with Power Struggles - Handling "NO"

Parents often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or question authority. However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy into the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations.

Powerlessness Creates Revenge

Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age two and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running away and suicide.

When children act out in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are most often feeling powerless and discouraged about a positive way to contribute and know that their actions count. Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.

Karan Sims is a Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor for the International Network for Children and Families.

The post Dealing With Power Struggles appeared first on Positive Parenting.

These parenting styles reflect thousands of years of training in autocratic societies. Redirecting is a Parent's Alternative.

We adopt a parenting style similar to our parents, or exactly the opposite in defiance of their ways. This passes from generation to generation since culture began. Democracy is relatively new to the world and therefore the parenting style appropriate to raising children in preparation for living this way, fairly new as well. The parenting style most effective for preparing children to live in a democratic society is called Redirection.

The following are some personal examples of how Redirecting works as a parent's alternative to punishment, permissiveness and rewards.

My 5 & 6 year old were running around the house, yelling, screaming, fighting etc.

I was going nuts trying to get dinner ready. I yelled at them to knock it off (the beginning of punishment). When that didn’t work, I was tempted to really let them have it (punishment). Instead I decided to Redirect.

I took a moment, got down on their level and said, "What can you do to make yourselves useful so I could finish making dinner?" They decided to sweep the floor together. They immediately settled down and got to work. I was amazed when they also decided to mop, and then wiped the windowsills clean. The bedlam ended and we all felt valuable, capable and proud of our contributions.

My 10 year old had a problem when friends came over

Her room would become a disaster area which she could not ever seem to clean up. Instead of letting her get away with irresponsibility (permissiveness), then having a week-long battle, I decided to Redirect. So we discussed this and came up with a mutually agreeable solution. Every 1/2 hour I would announce "Room check in 5 minutes!" and she and her friend would need to straighten everything except what they were playing with. The result was a clean room and a child who learned she needed to be responsible to get what she wanted.

My 5 year old son showed me an empty plastic cup after school.

He said he had gotten some m&m’s for counting his numbers well (reward). So I said, "Great job, Michael!" He said, "Yeah, but it isn’t even related!" However, he intuitively knew that the reward was not related to his accomplishment. I told this story to one of my parenting classes and a teacher offered, "If the teacher had counted out the m&m’s, then it would have been related!"

To learn more about this and other important positive parenting tools according to your child's age, fill out this form and I will send you the specific common, normal, annoying behaviors for their age and stage.

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Natural Consequences are the best teachers of children.  Do any of these statements sound vaguely familiar? 

“Dad, where’s my backpack?” 

 “Mom!  I forgot my lunch! You have to bring it now!”

“Where’d you put my sweatshirt?”

At Positive Parenting, about Natural Consequences, we have a saying:

“A child who always forgets has a parent who always remembers!”

Many of the complaints I hear from parents have to do with children’s irresponsible and forgetful behavior.  It usually begins early, around 4 or 5 years old, and peaks when a child hits junior high.  What happened between us happily picking up our screaming toddler’s bottle that rolled under the couch. And then the preteen screaming at us that she can’t find her favorite jeans and us snapping at her that if she didn’t keep her room such a mess, then maybe she could find the clothes she wants?

First, parents often don’t realize how much young children can do.  Many toddlers are very capable of understanding our words and body language, even when they cannot communicate that verbally.  So in the example above, when a child is distressed, we often “rescue” the child. This is a natural, normal response!  The “saving” of a small child from their distresses is the way in which bonding occurs between parents and children.  When a child cries because he is hungry, we “save” him by feeding him.  Then a child cries because she is wet, we “save” her when we change her diaper.

This mechanism occurs instinctively under normal circumstances, and bonding between parent and child is established.

The problem occurs when we “save” a child from an activity that she is capable of completing herself.  So when her bottle rolls under the couch, you do not need to “save” her from starving right now.  Now is the time to help her problem solve.  You could play a game, “Where do you think your bottle went?”  And start looking under things and behind things and help her to find the bottle.  This way, she begins to learn self-sufficiency with your loving guidance.

Think of something that you are doing for your child that she could be doing for herself. Give this to your child as a new responsibility.  In this way, you build her self-esteem and are teaching self-reliance.

The next complication occurs around the time that children start school.  They forget their lunch, homework, sweaters, backpacks, library books…and on and on!  When hey forget, and we nag, yell, complain, threaten and punish.  Nothing seems to work!  Here are 3 rules to teach children responsibility through natural consequences:

• Stop remembering for them
• Bite your tongue - Don’t say “I told you so!”
• Don’t tell them what will happen, let the consequences do the talking for you

So the first thing parents need to do is stop reminding!  When parents remind children, they rely on the reminders and become incapable of remembering for themselves.  We parents cannot understand why they don’t remember since we tell them over and over!  But it’s the telling them over and over that creates the irresponsibility!

The second thing we need to do is STOP saying “I told you so!” or “See what happens when you forget?”

In this case the child is focused on how mean we are or how stupid they are, and not on learning to be responsible.

And finally, stop telling them how the world works, let the world and the natural consequences in it teach your child.  When you tell them, then they will focus on you as the teacher and not learn from the way the world works.  What I love most about this parental response is that I can make myself be the safe haven when that big bad world is teaching my children.

For example, when Michael, my son, would forget his lunch, I would have a sandwich and food ready when he got home.  “Wow, you must be starving!  Here, have a sandwich!”  If he tried to blame me, saying “Why didn’t you bring me my lunch!” I would just say, “You must have been really hungry from forgetting your lunch, you need another snack?” And he would see it was his responsibility and not mine, and I was actually soothing him.

Finally, over time you can help your children be more responsible by teaching them how to think. If you tell them what to do, they don’t learn.  When you ask questions, in a loving way, they learn to use their brains.

If you find yourself telling your child to do something, rephrase it into a question instead.

For example, instead of saying, “It’s time for school”, say “What time do you need to leave in order to be on time?”

Instead of saying, “Remember to turn in your library book” say “How are you going to remind yourself to turn your library book in on time?”

Try saying, “How much time to you need to do homework this evening?", instead of saying “Do your homework””

More than anything else, this style of communicating will create kids that learn to remember, be responsible and accountable for their actions. Hence you have so much to do with how your children learn to think, how they react and how they communicate.  By asking questions, you become a master teacher of the very communication you want your children to learn to be successful in school and their lives.

Deborah has been teaching parenting classes for nearly 30 years.  Her kids are 34, 30 & 29 and wonderfully self-sufficient!

For more information about how to become a lifetime member of Positive Parenting for just $99, visit the Positive Parenting membership page.

Did you find something useful you can use in this article?  Please share it with your friends.

The post Natural Consequences appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Are you on Instagram? What do you think about it? Connect with me on Instagram today and share what you love about your child.

The post What Do You Love About Your Child? appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Here are some ideas for the format of a positive parenting style way to conduct family meetings.

Hold the family meetings once a week at a time when everyone in the family can attend.

Keep this time sacred -- don't keep changing it at everyone's convenience. Mark the time on a calendar and make it as important as a business meeting.

Take the phone off the hook so there are no interruptions.

This helps your children see how valuable the meetings are to you also.

Decisions should be made by family consensus, not majority vote.

If an agreement cannot be reached after a discussion, table the decision until the next meeting.

Elect a new leader and secretary at each family meeting.

The leader runs the meeting and calls on members. The leadership should rotate every meeting. Other members should be encouraged to support the leader. The secretary can take notes on what was discussed and what decisions were reached.

Begin the meetings with compliments to each family member.

Use words like, "I love you because...," or, "I'm grateful for you because...," Teach children to say thank you after they receive a compliment.

Keep an "agenda" list on the refrigerator and discuss it during family meetings.

As problems come up during the week, write them down to be discussed at family meetings.

Go on to problem solving.

Does anyone have a problem they would like to bring up? Teach your children that if she complains, it is helpful to think of a solution. A person who is not part of the solution is part of the problem.

Coordinate everyone's calendar for the next week and plan some activities together as a family.

For more productive family meetings, sit at a cleared table and chairs versus the family sitting room.

Don't have this meeting during a mealtime.

Always end the meeting by allowing the leader to pick a fun way to close it.

Suggestions are choosing a bedtime snack for everyone, delaying dessert until after the meeting, playing a game, etc.

These guidelines are from the workbook for the Positive Parenting class. You can purchase Lifetime Positive Parenting Membership for just $199.  This includes recorded classes (audio and video), book workbook and Dial-A-Discipline, plus discounts on other upcoming classes.

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The pandemic has drastically altered my life, how about you?  I am readjusting to a new routine and I'm offering you free daily Zoom parenting webinars (this link is to the Facebook page) during Safe at Home Quarantine. I am happy to contribute and do my part to help all you parents (and grandparents) survive parenting on quarantine.

Time for ALL free Zoom Positive Parenting Meetings:

11 AM Pacific Time.  Noon Mountain Time.  1 PM Central Time.  2 PM Eastern Time

Get your Zoom link to join us here.

Schedule this week:

Monday - Learn how to teach self-calming to your children. You will also learn the tool of using I-messages so your child hears you when you make a request.

Tuesday - Natural Consequences

Wednesday - Logical Consequences part 1

Thursday - Logical Consequences part 2

Friday - Family Team Building

Until July 10 - Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB).

During these 6 weeks I will teach the entire curriculum live on zoom. 

Each day will be one half hour lesson. 

There is no fee to attend the live sessions. 

I will be using the RCB book and workbook.

The recordings will be posted to my Positive Parenting Online Recorded Class which you can purchase for a special pandemic price of $99 plus mailing charge. 

This will give you:

• book, workbook and Dial-A-Discipline
• access to ALL daily recordings during the class plus including ALL past zoom meetings 
• 3 live 60 minute group Q&A calls:  Friday, June 12 at 9am EST, Friday, June 26 at 9pm EST and Sunday, July 5 at Noon EST.
• Discounted private coaching ($100/hr).

Beginning July 10, the price will resume back to the pre-pandemic price of $199 for lifetime access. 

So please be sure to take advantage of the 50% off offer today.

I am surviving parenting on quarantine with you.

In December, I had moved in with my daughter, Briana, and her family in Louisville, Kentucky to help.  My daughter, incapacitated with morning sickness, pregnant with her 3rd child, needs help.  As her morning sickness dissipated in mid and late January, I was again traveling and teaching.  I also taught a class in Louisville that Briana and her husband attended.  What a great class!  Then the epidemic, now pandemic hit.  I guess it is grace of God that I am quarantined with Briana's lovely family in rural Kentucky.

I am glad I am not quarantined alone in either California or New York.

Eldon and Arlo (my grandson's) had their last day of school a couple of weeks ago.  We are adjusting to "Safe at Home" quarantine, which is what our governor calls it. I'm used to having a good amount of time while they are in school to do my work. Having them home has certainly been an adjustment for me as well!  I would have loved to jump on the Zoom free conference frenzy right away.  However, my days have been spent cooking, cleaning and most importantly, entertaining my 6 and 3 year old grand kids.

When it became apparent I am here awhile, I bought a travel trailer.  I put it in the backyard so I could have my own space and retreat when I needed it.  Plus, I have always wanted to have a "glamper". Following many families that are living in and renovating their RV"s, I get so many great ideas for ways to fix up my trailer.  As it turns out, many of these families homeschool their kids.  I get so many ideas for things to do with the kids while we are at home and essentially homeschooling.  My favorite is #boredombuster.  Go follow me on Instagram as I that is where I share the #boredombusters and other fun activities that I do with Eldon and Arlo.

We've finally settled into somewhat of a routine.

At the encouragement of many friends and clients, I will begin teaching on Zoom. I am a little nervous.  Will I be able to keep a schedule in the midst of this chaos?  Do you really need help with behavior challenges with your kids while we are in this crisis?  If my experience is any indication, I would say yes.  I am still following my own parenting advice best I can.  Luckily, there are 3 adults in the house and we can take turns.  If someone is getting fed up, there is usually someone else that can step in and take over.  I am still getting edgy at times.  First, I have picked the topic I need to refresh!  Now I am offering the things that my audience most needs to learn.

The webinars will be just 30 minutes.

For my sanity and yours, I will break the topics into half hour segments.  I will teach daily, Monday through Friday, at 11am Pacific, Noon Mountain, 1pm Central, or 2pm Eastern.  The webinars are live on Zoom.  So you must attend at the meeting time.  The recordings are available for purchase for $99.This includes access to ALL the recordings since April 3, and ALL new content as it's created.  Plus you will get the book, workbook and Dial mailed to you.

Will you help spread the word and help parents all over the world?

I would really appreciate your support and encouragement to help me make these free webinars available to everyone.  There are so many parents in this world, struggling and suffering.  Which means their kids are receiving the brunt of the parents stress.  I CAN HELP MAKE THIS BETTER!  So please both attend free zoom classes and share with your social networks, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn to help spread the word.

That is all for now.  I surely hope to see you soon on one of these free zoom parenting webinars.  And please feel free to ask questions below.

Be Safe at Home and Happy Parenting!

Debbie

The post Free Zoom Parenting Webinars during Safe at Home Quarantine appeared first on Positive Parenting.

So often parenting becomes a chore. In order to be effective, we must spend a great deal of time training our children. And especially following through with consequences of their misbehavior.

Use this Mistaken Goal Chart to figure out your child's misbehavior.

Sometimes mom or dad never seem to smile or laugh.. I think children are often be won over by our loving smile and warmth. Here are some ways to have fun when limits need to be set, or behavior needs to be redirected. Use these ideas when you don't remember the last time you smiled at your child.

1) When standing in line somewhere, to make discipline fun, make up a game, give your child your undivided attention and play it with your child.

The waiting is so boring for them; instead of making them stand quiet and leave us alone, take time to bond and have fun with your child.

2) Sing the limits in a singsong voice.

Hum it, rap it, or sing it to your favorite oldie, something to take the bossy edge out of our voice.

3) Put the kids in charge of the time.

State ahead of time what time everyone needs to leave the beach and ask for a volunteer to be timekeeper.

4) Make a family assembly line.

One year when we went to Hawaii, I was one adult with three kids. We came up with a routine to transfer luggage. One would stay at the curb and three would take some luggage inside to the line. One would stay with that luggage while two went back for more luggage. Back and forth in teams we went, until all luggage was transferred. This worked the entire trip and was fun, entertaining and got the job finished.

5) Give your kids a budget when you can if you are shopping or on vacation, instead of them begging, and us giving in at random.

Allow everyone to have a certain amount they are allowed to spend. Once in awhile, I surprise them with an outrageous budget, just for fun. Just think on a mundane trip to Target, offering them $20 to get what they want (no candy is my only limit).  Then they have so much fun and it decreases the begging and pleading on this trip and in the future.

6) Smile, laugh and play.

We are so busy that it seems most of our time is taken with chores and "have to do's". Staying on task is certainly important, and so is having fun! Attempt to be in the moment and make the moment worthwhile for your child. Maybe it's just cleaning, or cooking, or yard work. We can still choose to have some fun and make it interesting for our children. Notice the birds that fly by, smell the trunk of a tree (yes, some of them smell)! Take just a small amount of time to notice little details and point them out to your children with excitement and fun.

These are just a few ideas.  Please join me for Free Positive Parenting Zoom classes.  The classes are live every weekday at 2pm EST.  There is a different topic each day.

The post 6 Ways to Make Discipline Fun appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Parenting Inspiration - In parenting, with our busy lives, we often look to short term, easy answers for everything. We have fast food, computers, the latest gadget or gizmo to save us time, money or stress. Many of these ideas are great and do make our lives easier. The area of raising our children, however, is quite a different matter.

Our approach to discipline often tends be "single event oriented". Take the example of a child who does not get ready for school on time. We might yell, nag, threaten and have a rotten morning every day. This pattern usually ends up with the parent as responsible for the child’s behavior.

This causes the parent to use force or control to get the child out the door on a regular basis. Not much parenting inspiration.

If we instead take a long term approach, we will realize there are many opportunities for teaching the child skills that will benefit them in the long run. These skills will also serve to lighten our burden of being responsible for something the child can most likely be responsible for himself.

One example is a mom and 7 year old daughter in my Tuesday night class. She was having the "morning trauma" and decided to take a new approach. She turned over the responsibility of getting ready in the morning to her daughter. This includes getting up (she gave her an alarm and taught her to use it), getting dressed and fixing herself breakfast.

With these new responsibilities, she gained a sense of pride and accomplishment.

She became motivated to cooperate because of the feeling of worth and value she felt inside. The mother, so relieved to have this burden lifted, showers her daughter with gratitude and acknowledgment for her contribution. The mother reports the parenting inspiration continues and the morning routine like this is working well almost every day.

Another example is from a mom of 5 in the class. Her 16 year old son comes home from school, into her home office to tell her about his day. She listens to him while she works. There was no problem here. The kid is a very agreeable, well-behaved kid. The mother realized she had not been giving him her full attention. She decided to take an extra moment, stop her work, turn her chair around and listen when her son shared about his day. She said that she noticed each day she did this, what he had to say became deeper and more meaningful.  He became more vulnerable as he began to open his heart to his mom.

I have noticed there has been a great deal more "wildness" in my home, I need parenting inspiration.

Since the quarantine and pandemic "new normal" I notice my patience and tolerance decrease. Last Sunday, I was observing my children (at 7am), yelling, playing, fighting, running around and appearing to be misbehaving (all that noise? They must be doing something wrong!). I wanted to scream at them to knock it off. In reality, they were just bored and trying to have fun.

I went to my computer. Someone had emailed me an idea for a craft project, to make napkin rings out of toilet paper tubes, felt and seeds. I quickly printed it out and said, "Hey kids, wanna make a project?" I let my daughter read it and they were off seeking the materials needed. We had everything except the felt to cover them. I pulled out an old, soft wool skirt and gave it to them to cut up.

They spent the next TWO HOURS working on them, happily, cooperatively and quietly!

It happened again Friday morning. I saw the signs immediately when they were kicking each others feet on the couch, alternately screaming with laughter and pain. This time I came up with idea to make "mailboxes". I gave each child an envelope and we sat down and decorated them with our names and pictures. We taped them to a wall and now we can write each other messages. Again, it redirected the kids to something useful, cooperative and relatively quiet. My son was not having much fun, but was doing it anyway. Then he would not tape it to the wall, so my daughter did it for him.

He was sitting on the couch, mad because he thought it was a dumb project.

My daughter put a note in the box and he refused to read it. When she went out of the room I said, "Hey Michael, you want me to get out your mail and read it to you quick before she comes back?" He first shook his head, "No", but then he said "OK". I read to him:

"Michael- Thank you for saying that you didn’t want to do it." From Michelle.

Well, that made his day! He grinned and wrote a note back to his sister, "When you got mad because you thought the envelope flap was up, you listened to Briana when she said it was supposed to be that way." Then Briana jumped in and wrote acknowledgments to them.

I am happy because a situation that could have become ugly became a great new communication tool for our family.

Parenting inspiration and raising children is not just about discipline--that is getting the behavior we want. Raising children also involves teaching them values, skills and responsibility. Parenting children involves teaching children how to handle relationships, how to live a happy, prosperous life. Also how to make sure to honor and respect the lives of others.

Guiding children’s behavior as they grow is the very essence of teaching children all they need to know to learn to be responsible, happy adults (and great at parenting themselves)! It is our job to take time and thought to achieve that result, and I must say, even though it takes a great deal more effort at first, the results are worth it!

Please join us for daily parenting inspiration live on zoom.

The post Parenting Inspiration: No More Mc Parenting appeared first on Positive Parenting.

With great parenting tips, effective discipline has much more to do with communication than control.  Many parents feel that to control their children is to be a good parent.  However, studies have shown that parenting that provides less coercive discipline can be related to better outcomes for children.  If the coercive parenting is replaced with a firm and kind style, communication that relates to the child at his or her level, and discipline that builds the child’s self-esteem, then the child will tend to do better.

With great parenting tips and practice, true parental control is developed over time. This becomes more of an influential control than a physical control. 

This is true parental power—to be able to influence the child to behave better, while building self-esteem, and teaching long range life skills.

Here are five of the best communication ideas i.e. parenting tips that will contribute to creating this result:

Write to your child

Beginning at a very young age, parents can incorporate written communication into the parenting style.  This is an especially effective form of communication for parents and kids that seems to have trouble communicating verbally. Also for all parents that want to be more effective and more of an influence in the child’s thoughts and actions.

This idea can begin young, as early as three or four. 

At this time, since the child cannot yet read, the parent should write in pictures that communicate the meaning.  A happy face to say “good for you!” Or a cartoon of parents sleeping on their bedroom door to remind the kids if there was an agreement not to wake parents early on Saturday (personal favorite)!  When the child is school age, the notes can be placed in lunch boxes, or handed to kids on their way to school.  The notes should be generally positive, acknowledging and heartfelt statements and requests.  Only use this idea for concerns if you regularly submit encouraging notes to your child.

Parents that write notes to their children report that the children also begin to use this method of communication with their parents.

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a request or complaint in writing so you have time to think over your response?  My middle daughter, Michelle, would usually have a request imbedded in the note with a check box for yes or no.  It’s really difficult not to be supportive of such creative and respectful requests! On her seventeenth birthday my daughter Briana gave me a “mother-daughter daughter diary”.  In it she wrote to me what the diary was for and how we could share with each other through this medium.  She had been keeping these diaries with several of her best friends at school, and I was certainly honored to get one!  It was a most wonderful avenue of sharing for us her senior year in high school.  The diary has allowed us to connect on matters we don’t usually talk about and has given me a special appreciation for my daughter and her world.  So write, write, write!

Think It over.

Give your child’s ideas and opinions a great deal of credence.  Whenever possible, verbalize your thought processes in mulling over a particular situation.  When your child understands that you are giving weight and consideration to his or her concern, you are more likely to have a better outcome if you need to deny the request.  Look at the situation from the child’s perspective with understanding and detail.

Lead the child to the answer.

Often, the parent knows the best answer to any given situation.  The age and experience of the parent create no competition with a child that is just beginning to learn about and understand the world and how it works.  Therefore, it is often of little value to tell the child the “answer”.

The most effective and beneficial manner in which to handle these situations with the child is through leading that child to come up with the answer his or her self. 

The parent makes this happen through asking leading questions such as, “What would happen if…” or “What will the result of that be?”   Help the child work through the pros and cons of an issue, while maintaining a neutral stance.  While it may seem backwards, the parent is more influential to and more respected by the child when communication is handled in this way.  The child begins to trust that you have faith in his or her ability to work out problems and will begin to ask your opinion and advice.  As long as the parent constantly tells the child what to do about everything, the child see the parent as an adversary.  There are times where the parent needs to “tell it like it is”, but there are far more opportunities to take this other approach as well.

Parenting Tips to Maintain integrity.

What does integrity mean to you?  Each person has a different sense of personal integrity.  What are your standards of conduct?  Do you place value in honesty, kindness, contribution?  After taking some time to think about your personal standards, begin to pay special attention to behaving in a way that expresses those standards.

Parents are notorious for bending and breaking the truth with children! 

Our intentions are innocent enough, yet the results are confusion and lack of trust with our children.  If you believe in truthfulness, do not lie to your kids, ask them to lie for you or make excuses for lying.  We begin this “fuzziness” with the truth with our children at a very young age.  Before they are able to tell the time, we tell them “Just a minute” or “later” and this allows us the freedom to enjoy refraining from commitment.  However, this undermines the children’s respect for us as parents over time.  Kids will begin to beg, plead and pester.  It is better to be honest and clear in an up front as possible manner.  Tell them exactly when you will respond.  Tell them exactly how much time, and follow through to the minute, even if your child does not yet tell time, he soon will!

Maintain physical closeness and connection.

With concern about molestation and child sexual abuse, many parents are afraid to be physically close to their children.  Sometimes this discomfort can also be caused by abuse when the parent was a child.  However, children and all of us need physical closeness!  Hugging, cuddling, playful fighting, rocking, stroking hair, massages, and bear hugs are just a few ways to be physical with kids.

Also doggie piles, steam rollers and other funny family ways to physically bond should be explored. 

When you speak to a child, how about placing a gentle hand on their shoulder?  Or touching their cheek?  Maintaining this physical connection takes work, particularly as the children become teens and may go through stages of resisting touch.  Usually they are testing their boundaries, so be respectful.  Since my kids were small, I have given them back and leg massages at night as part of our bedtime routine.  This has been one of the best ways I can think of to maintain physical closeness, and my kids give great back rubs back!

So many Great Parenting Tips...

There are many other parenting tips for effectively communicating with children.  Tips that can build mutual respect, self-esteem and help kids learn to be great problem solvers.  These are my top five parenting tips and should be included on a regular basis in every home.  As with most of the effective parenting tools, the results come through time and repetition.

The above ideas should also take the child’s age and ability into consideration. 

It would be unproductive to get into some of the above conversations with a tired, cranky two-year-old!  The times of parental frustration should be used as times to re-group, re-think, and re-evaluate.  Attempting any form of thoughtful discipline takes time, thought and a relaxed environment.  If you’re stressed out, give yourself and your child a cooling off period.  Often the answers will come during the break.

Discipline does not need to be punitive, coercive, manipulative or negative.  Children can learn in a positive, upbeat, firm and kind environment much better than a negative one. My Dial-A-Discipline Wheel can give you more parenting tips that build self-esteem.  The parents set the tone for the family environment and so parents have great influence over the nature of that environment.  Dream big, children are capable of so much more and so much better than we give them the chance to express!  While I do not believe in “parent bashing” with problematic kids, I do believe that we parents have so much more influence in our families than we realize.  We need to take this influence to heart and strive to do and be our very best and to never give up on our kids!

Happy Parenting!

Deb

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"NO! I Won’t Pick It Up!"
"NO! I Don’t Want To Eat That!"
"NO! You Can’t Make Me Do It!"
"NO, NO, NO!

What Do You Mean NO? This one word probably causes more stress and disharmony in our relationship with our children than any other word in our language. As parents, we often become distracted from the task at hand by this word. We may discipline our child for his attitude, rather than focusing on the job or task that needs to be done.

What is it about this tiny word that causes such an extreme reaction from us?

I don’t know about other parents--but when one of my children says "NO!” the hair on the back of my neck stands on end. And I find myself thinking "How dare you! After all I do for you, this is what you give me???"

Why Does this words push our "buttons"? Think back to when you were a child. What happened if you said no to your parents? Common responses are -- "I’d be slapped, grounded, spanked, lectured or yelled at." Some parents say, "I don’t know WHAT would have happened, I just KNEW -- not to say no." Our experience has taught us that saying no to adults is a bad thing.

Since we were not allowed to say no, directly what did we do to say it indirectly?

What did we learn? Since we parents, as children, were not allowed to say no in our homes directly, what did we do to say it indirectly? Common responses are: Lying, sneaking, plotting revenge, doing a rotten job so they wouldn’t ask you again, talking back and taking it out on someone weaker. What do you mean no was serious business.

Are children today saying "NO!" more than past generations?

Well, maybe they are! The children in school these days are learning to -- "JUST SAY NO!" Then, when the child comes home from school and just says it to us, how do we react? Probably with, "Don’t YOU EVER say NO to me!" So the child is bewildered. Then there is a conflict because young children have not developed the abstract thinking necessary to fully understand the difference.

Why do children say "NO"?

There are certain stages where saying "no" becomes an important developmental task. For example, at 2 & 3, children are individuating from their parents. They are discovering their power and the limits in their environment. Later, at school age, children are learning to be assertive, take care of themselves in social situations and are becoming increasingly influenced by peers and other relationships. Finally, teens rebel to discover their individuality and values. There are positive aspects to these developmental achievements!

How do we usually respond when children say "NO" to us? Generally we parents respond in one extreme or another. We may give in to the demand (permissiveness) out of exhaustion, frustration, or lack of a better idea. The permissive approach does not teach our child respect or responsibility. The opposite is to respond by banishing the word it completely and taking punitive measures to enforce the rule. The punitive approach may cause unwanted side effects (lying, sneaking, revenge).

One word -- so much to think about.

Let’s say you are ready to take a risk, and deal "directly" with children, by incorporating some reasonable use of the word into your home. I know it sounds strange, but my kids say "YES" more often when they know that it's OK to say "NO" sometimes. Here are some suggestions to get started:

Discuss it with your spouse.

Take time to consider the pros and cons together. Talk to each other about the goals you have for your children. Discuss how this may benefit or hinder them in your long term parenting plan. Agree about what you really want your children to learn about saying no, for their future. Then choose the best plan for teaching them over the years. Decide to support each other and present a united front.

Model saying NO respectfully.

If we want to teach our children to say no in a respectful way, we need to model it for them. So when you say it to your child, say it in the same tone of voice that will be acceptable to you in the future. If we scream "NO!" at them, they are likely to respond in kind. One thing I do is say, "NO, I’m not willing to do that, but I would be willing to do this instead." Now I find my children will say this to me occasionally. "No, I’m not willing to wash the dishes, but I’ll rinse them off and put them away instead." I find this much easier to hear, and I even admire my child’s creative thinking, as opposed to a flat unwillingness to cooperate.

Request a respectful NO and acknowledge them.

When a child says no in a snotty voice, you can say, "I respect your right to say no to me and I want you to say it respectfully, like this, No." Request them to repeat it back to you respectfully. Immediately go back to the issue at hand, usually a task that needs to be done. "The dog still needs to be fed, what will you do?" Not getting caught in the battle over the word no can avoid 80% of the power struggles that occur with children.  Also read this article.

NO.

It is amazing how much power this little word has. Perhaps we can create better relationships with our children and give them skills that will be valuable to them as adults. If we can face and conquer this uncomfortable issue directly, we may avoid many of the problems that occur in disciplining our children.

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