And what happened? What was the result?

Time moved on. He grew, matured, and stopped doing the bad behaviors that he used to. My husband and I have always led by example. We take turns talking and don’t interrupt each other. We say please and thank you. Did our son? No, not for many years… He always interrupted. It was annoying and a pain many times.

It’s been years since then. What was the result?

My son slowly grew to have manners. All on his own… He adopted our way of living. No one scolded or punished him. No one even said a word. Just as he speaks English because his parents speak English, he also has manners because we do. Each time I saw him do this on his own, I’d praise him (positive reinforcement). DON’T CATCH YOUR CHILD DOING WRONG. CATCH THEM DOING RIGHT! I’d tell him how great it was that he spoke politely, or apologized, or showed consideration. And that I was so proud of how mature he was to do that all on his own.

It was an amazing feeling to know that all those years of patience and modeling good behavior had finally paid off.

The teen years were an absolute breeze!

If you keep your hands off your child and put in the work early, it’s so much easier later. I should mention the other things we did: STAYING CONNECTED (every day… as many hours as possible). My hobbies and interests took a backseat. All my extra time was spent with my son. His hobbies (video games) were center stage in our house. We showed an interest, sat with him, asked questions, laughed, and enjoyed his company. He got tons of attention, conversation, and love.

I recommend CO-SLEEPING because your child will tell you so many things you wouldn’t have known otherwise. Those are precious, teachable moments and conversation that you don’t want to miss. Touch and bond with your child as they fall asleep. Stroke their hair, give them kisses. Having them next to you in those moments… nothing else can compare. Talk about the cute things they did as a baby. Give lots of massages and hugs. My family thinks it’s absurd, but I did this (co-sleeping) for more than a decade. I have no regrets.

WATCH THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE. No sarcasm, rudeness, or insults. If you’re angry about something, say so. Say that you’re angry. Focus your anger on the situation, not on your child. End your rant with a request. Be sure your child knows you’re not telling them what to do. You’re asking for their cooperation to make things better next time. Explain that you’d like things to go smoother, and that you’d like his/her help. As a teen, my son would say, “Are you asking me, or are you telling me?” I insisted that I was asking, and that he had freedom of choice in the matter. It made him 100% more likely to cooperate.

Why? Because I respected him. I respected that he’s
growing into an adult that will make his own choices.

I didn’t get mad about the small stuff (and most everything is small stuff). If I felt my blood pressure rising, I’d give myself a time-out until I felt calmer. Then I’d address my son. I didn’t like how I was parented (totalitarian parents who spanked me). So now that I was in charge, I prided myself on things ending peacefully. At all costs… even if I was being disrespected. We had a policy of no violence. No assaulting my child. Hands off… it’s his body. And he has a right to feel safe in our home.

I was laid back as much as possible. I laughed at messes. I took a lot of deep breaths. I gave my son excuses, such as “he didn’t know” or “he’s just a kid”. I reminded myself that a lot of what kids do (such as drawing on the wall, demanding toys, or eating the same foods) are just phases that they grow out of. Time passes and they stop doing it.

WHAT MATTERED MOST IS THAT MY SON FELT LOVED. I told myself that I might fail in other areas, but absolutely not in that one.

And what happened? What was the outcome?

My son’s self-esteem is through the roof. He’s a leader, not a follower with his friends. He’s very confident and self-assured. He obeys the law, acts respectfully, and is absolutely against alcohol, smoking, and drugs (again, due to the behavior modeled by his parents).

If you saw his childhood videos, you’d cringe at how spoiled he was. He got away with everything. Looking back I realize how short that time period was. And I’m glad I stayed relaxed and had a positive attitude. GET ENOUGH SLEEP (or your patience wears thin much sooner). And PUT YOUR KIDS IN BED EXTRA EARLY so there’s time for them to screw around (requests for water, certain stuffed animals, playing together instead of sleeping, etc). Or if you co-sleep, it allows time for talking and bonding.

It feels like forever when your kids are growing up. But it’s over before you know it. Please don’t allow the memories to be filled with conflict, spanking, yelling, and strife. Neither in your mind (cause it really hurts) or in your child’s mind! You want them to remember their childhood as a great time and not experience trauma over it. BE KIND, FORGIVE, AND LOVE THEM. Later on I promised you that everything will be OK.

Niece

I’ve been down this road and it still ends bad. I can get the child to make some progress by making things fun, as the example shows. But then a new problem develops: The child expects every unpalatable thing to be made fun! And if you can’t make something fun, then you get rage for that failure PLUS she still doesn’t want to do the thing.

Other times, you could make something fun, but it’s become a major annoyance. She’s seven, and putting her foot down about any slightly new food. She wants an elaborate airplane flying food into the mouth with different voices and each bite can be refused several times before eating and that has to be part of the show too. It’s too much.

Not about power? It’s the definition of power. You’re trying to control the behavior of another human being. There is so much sugar coating and ‘happy think going on here. Reality shows your ‘attitude’ is not going to solve it, or affect them. What affects them is your actions. You have two options for using your power: negotiation or overwhelming force (ie., imposed consequences. When your kid digs in on something and negotiation fails, they’re just telling you they think they are powerful enough to get what they want from you. Your choices are either to concede… sometimes you can afford to and they win – good for them, but let them win on your terms… or go to the mat. You have to be 100% ready to apply effective consequences at any moment. Progressive increases work best so you don’t run out of creative options too soon (but it’s only a matter of time – you just have to last 18 years). Sure you should use kind language and hugs and all that to defuse the emotions but ultimately you have to understand your child’s wants and needs, and assert your parental authority while your child strives to improve their personal situation based on what they care about. All normal adult rules of negotiation and power struggles apply, just in a kid context. You have to use every advantage you have available, fortunately one of which is their natural dependence and desire to follow the rules and please you, but you can’t depend On that. It’s best if you dictate the time and place of battles so you can control the outcomes, and stay one step ahead of them by anticipating their wants while aligning those with your plans. Motivation is the key ingredient to gaining compliance. Everything you can do to motivate them, within reason, you should be prepared to do. Everything in your life that impedes your ability to effectively manage that child you need to be prepared to drop as required or it will create a weak point your child can use to wear you down. Can’t take time to apply consequences when your child throws things at you? Think again and re-schedule that appointment or you will lose. Not good at planning your week around child motivators? Get prepared for them to throw a wrench in your schedule. Afraid your child will be negatively impacted by too many rules and repeated application of consequences? Toughen up buttercup. Like a dog ona leash they will pull until it actually hurts. It’s your
Job to get them to heel, or else you’ll be the one playing fetch. Consistency, preparedness (including your own energy levels) and clear instructions are the key to success. Sound like a manual for military drill instructors? Well, guess where they get it from – most new recruits are basically children. No need to sugar coat the reality, it’s no secret.

Angel Says,

I agree with you. I have a ten year old that is very negative and when he says no. He means it. I don’t care what options I give him, he is not budging from his choice and decision . He wants to control the situation and the people. He wants everybody listening to him and doing what he says. it is has taught him not to be responsible for his actions. Kids are always going to test boundaries, but being positive and side stepping the problems does not work. What about discipline when they should be discipline? I mean we all have consequences to our actions as adults? I cannot remember getting options at work or any where in life outside of my home? Isn’t this dangerous thinking to teach our children? Being polite and having manners should be given for every child and adult, but honestly what is this teaching them? That they will always have choices if they do not like something?

Wow you have one hell of a struggle on your hands. We too have a power struggle with our 4 yr old (4th child), we thought our kids were all stubborn until our youngest came along. No matter what choices I give her (even if I don’t like the choice myself) she will just dig in her heels more on her 1st choice. I must admit I do not always stay calm when you’re trying to get 4 kids out for school and she is delaying everyone because she wants to wear that same top she wore for the last two days and to bed with food stains. (Just because her friend wears the same top to school).

In your case though what’s screaming out at me is she’s definitely out of control and I commend you staying calm in that situation. I once saw a programme on tv with out of control teenagers and I always remember a young boy who was just like your girl and what was recommended was to find an opportunity to just hold them and love them, like a big hug. I do believe there is so much power in a meaningful hug taking away all her emotions. Hope that may help, you may need to do this daily to show her you’re on her side . Hope it all works out for you. Anna

Positive attitude has a lot to do with the way your child will react to your behaviour as well. If a parents attitude is already negative when they need the child to cooperate what else do you expect. It’s no different as adults getting called into the office by a manager and already feeling as if we are in trouble due to the managers attitude. Yes we are in charge of kids butt kids are not drones. Walking into a room with your kids there and being very relaxed and not over powering makes the kids feel as if they’re not already in trouble. I started a mortgage brokerage about a year ago and have made it very successful due to the fact that I tell myself every day I can do this. Kids are a huge part of the way their parents act and I’m not being judgmental as I have a child that was very ODD. He would fight me on everything down to what socks he wanted to wear. I am also a hard-headed individual. After taking a quick look at my behaviour, I realize my son was not only acting out due to my overpowering but also was walking in my footsteps. I’m not saying any of these parents are bad people or don’t know how to parent but I do realize it’s very difficult to admit that we may be wrong. Keep positive attitudes and watch amazing kids grow to be positive individuals. Parents these days need realize that these individual kids are going to be on their own and won’t have a parent always there to support them. That’s our job as a parent is not to make our kids feel powerless but to empower them to take on life.