Man this is an old article and made the top of the google search! Good on you for that! However, I’m living in this dynamic now. My wife and I married in 2016. I had one son from my prior life who came to live with me that same year. She had two boys from her prior marriage. Together over the next 3 years we had 2 more boys together. Yes, this is the most complicated and probably worst possible blended situation. My oldest was new to the dynamic of brothers, new to the dad/step-mom full time dynamic, new place. I was new to the dynamic of having a wife and 3 (and soon a new born) boys living in the same house. We have made pretty much every single wrong turn you could make to this point. I was the strict ‘country / military man’ she was the ‘soccer / i live for my kids’ mom. We started off very near this dynamic, but she was unforgiving when it came to my oldest, and I was harder on her two than she liked. Basically my son ended up hating her because she was a stranger trying to be the boss, and her boys ended up hating me because she took the back seat when I stepped in. Today, my oldest has been gone for years, mostly estranged. She spends every waking minute capitulating to her oldest’s wants and I honestly cannot stand him or his entitled attitude because of her parenting style with him and the middle child. Though this ‘sounds’ like good advice, I would not recommend it, if you and your spouse have differing parenting styles, especially when it comes to being hard on a child to develop them into a tougher person, vs being soft on them to ensure they are loving and feel loved (by they are two sides of the same coin) you are fighting a VERY difficult and uphill battle. What has happened to us is the compromise lasted years and slowly developed into an avalanche of unresolved resentment. Maybe this would have been different had there been some very open communication about it, but in our situation it just fell in place. She claims she was ‘trying to just be a good christian wife’ and follow my lead, but that she was dying inside every time the boys didn’t get what they wanted, or had to do something they didn’t want to do.

Try and go from natural consequences and logical discipline. These take a lot of communication and time and then other times it takes no time at all. If a child spills something he is made to pick it up and clean, no yelling or spanking. Give rules and chores from when they are little and be consistent. It takes work but the rewards are great. Learn the words that raise the child’s self esteem. Good job, you’re such a good helper, and simply bravo. There are so many wonderful words you can use even if a child is being disciplined. You have to practice what you’re going to say. There are so many classes and good books out there that you can read. Good luck.

Hi Scipii,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I am not a professional but I do foster kids who can have lots of behaviors. The foster parenting classes I’ve taken always say to start with connection. If ‘time outs/time ins” aren’t working, try focusing on creating a positive connection. This will not happen right away, but the more you can ‘catch’ them being good, and give very specific praise, and try to be silly and fun with them, the more they will want that positive attention. Then time out or time in might suddenly be a much more effective tool. Maybe even start with the 8 year old? If it seems the littles follow his lead.
Good luck! I know how gross it is to be spit on. Try to be someone she wants to like, then be very clear that spitting hurts your feelings.

misguided