by Karan Sims

Most parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age two. It's the first time dealing with power struggles.See the Positive Parenting class for more dealing with power struggles. They feel challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times into a rewarding growth period for them and their children. A shift in perspective concerning the child's behavior a parent becomes clever and creative. Now a parent's response to the child's perceived "headstrong, rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior is more positive.

Special on Online Power Struggles Class at Udemy 84% off until 8am March 4, 2025.

Empowering not Overpowering

Switch the view that children's willful behavior is "bad" and therefore the parent must discipline in a way that overpowers the child. Instead a parent can view this behavior as a healthy positive sign of their child's development. Then the parent ca find ways to empower the child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals in the developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves. Also exerting their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own way, declaring ownership and authority.

When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight - either giving in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive behaviors. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and valuable and dealing with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the parents. *For more ideas see the Positive Parenting Recorded Online Class

Dealing with Power Struggles - The First Step is to Side-Step

The first step in effectively and positively dealing with power struggles is to side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other end of the rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready for a nap. "NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" "I want you to carry me upside down and tickle me as we go."

The mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle and by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created an ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than hateful and painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power struggle, you send your child the message "I am not going to fight with you. I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I'm not going to give in, either."

Choices, Not Orders

After side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the change made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again at the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper was changed and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was ended.

When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.

Also be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.

Choices should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.

Dealing with Power Struggles - Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful

Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this situation?" One mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.

Do the Unexpected

One parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose is not to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with her children and keep her end goal of a close, loving and cooperative atmosphere in mind.

Dealing with Power Struggles - Getting to Win-Win

Power struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their children by responding to a child’s demands, "That sounds like a good way for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think of a solution that works for both of us?"

Dealing with Power Struggles - Handling "NO"

Parents often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or question authority. However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy into the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations.

Powerlessness Creates Revenge

Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age two and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running away and suicide.

When children act out in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are most often feeling powerless and discouraged about a positive way to contribute and know that their actions count. Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.

Karan Sims is a Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor for the International Network for Children and Families.

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Natural Consequences are the best teachers of children.  Do any of these statements sound vaguely familiar? 

“Dad, where’s my backpack?” 

 “Mom!  I forgot my lunch! You have to bring it now!”

“Where’d you put my sweatshirt?”

At Positive Parenting, about Natural Consequences, we have a saying:

“A child who always forgets has a parent who always remembers!”

Many of the complaints I hear from parents have to do with children’s irresponsible and forgetful behavior.  It usually begins early, around 4 or 5 years old, and peaks when a child hits junior high.  What happened between us happily picking up our screaming toddler’s bottle that rolled under the couch. And then the preteen screaming at us that she can’t find her favorite jeans and us snapping at her that if she didn’t keep her room such a mess, then maybe she could find the clothes she wants?

First, parents often don’t realize how much young children can do.  Many toddlers are very capable of understanding our words and body language, even when they cannot communicate that verbally.  So in the example above, when a child is distressed, we often “rescue” the child. This is a natural, normal response!  The “saving” of a small child from their distresses is the way in which bonding occurs between parents and children.  When a child cries because he is hungry, we “save” him by feeding him.  Then a child cries because she is wet, we “save” her when we change her diaper.

This mechanism occurs instinctively under normal circumstances, and bonding between parent and child is established.

The problem occurs when we “save” a child from an activity that she is capable of completing herself.  So when her bottle rolls under the couch, you do not need to “save” her from starving right now.  Now is the time to help her problem solve.  You could play a game, “Where do you think your bottle went?”  And start looking under things and behind things and help her to find the bottle.  This way, she begins to learn self-sufficiency with your loving guidance.

Think of something that you are doing for your child that she could be doing for herself. Give this to your child as a new responsibility.  In this way, you build her self-esteem and are teaching self-reliance.

The next complication occurs around the time that children start school.  They forget their lunch, homework, sweaters, backpacks, library books…and on and on!  When hey forget, and we nag, yell, complain, threaten and punish.  Nothing seems to work!  Here are 3 rules to teach children responsibility through natural consequences:

• Stop remembering for them
• Bite your tongue - Don’t say “I told you so!”
• Don’t tell them what will happen, let the consequences do the talking for you

So the first thing parents need to do is stop reminding!  When parents remind children, they rely on the reminders and become incapable of remembering for themselves.  We parents cannot understand why they don’t remember since we tell them over and over!  But it’s the telling them over and over that creates the irresponsibility!

The second thing we need to do is STOP saying “I told you so!” or “See what happens when you forget?”

In this case the child is focused on how mean we are or how stupid they are, and not on learning to be responsible.

And finally, stop telling them how the world works, let the world and the natural consequences in it teach your child.  When you tell them, then they will focus on you as the teacher and not learn from the way the world works.  What I love most about this parental response is that I can make myself be the safe haven when that big bad world is teaching my children.

For example, when Michael, my son, would forget his lunch, I would have a sandwich and food ready when he got home.  “Wow, you must be starving!  Here, have a sandwich!”  If he tried to blame me, saying “Why didn’t you bring me my lunch!” I would just say, “You must have been really hungry from forgetting your lunch, you need another snack?” And he would see it was his responsibility and not mine, and I was actually soothing him.

Finally, over time you can help your children be more responsible by teaching them how to think. If you tell them what to do, they don’t learn.  When you ask questions, in a loving way, they learn to use their brains.

If you find yourself telling your child to do something, rephrase it into a question instead.

For example, instead of saying, “It’s time for school”, say “What time do you need to leave in order to be on time?”

Instead of saying, “Remember to turn in your library book” say “How are you going to remind yourself to turn your library book in on time?”

Try saying, “How much time to you need to do homework this evening?", instead of saying “Do your homework””

More than anything else, this style of communicating will create kids that learn to remember, be responsible and accountable for their actions. Hence you have so much to do with how your children learn to think, how they react and how they communicate.  By asking questions, you become a master teacher of the very communication you want your children to learn to be successful in school and their lives.

Deborah has been teaching parenting classes for nearly 30 years.  Her kids are 34, 30 & 29 and wonderfully self-sufficient!

For more information about how to become a lifetime member of Positive Parenting for just $99, visit the Positive Parenting membership page.

Did you find something useful you can use in this article?  Please share it with your friends.

The post Natural Consequences appeared first on Positive Parenting.

The pandemic has drastically altered my life, how about you?  I am readjusting to a new routine and I'm offering you free daily Zoom parenting webinars (this link is to the Facebook page) during Safe at Home Quarantine. I am happy to contribute and do my part to help all you parents (and grandparents) survive parenting on quarantine.

Time for ALL free Zoom Positive Parenting Meetings:

11 AM Pacific Time.  Noon Mountain Time.  1 PM Central Time.  2 PM Eastern Time

Get your Zoom link to join us here.

Schedule this week:

Monday - Learn how to teach self-calming to your children. You will also learn the tool of using I-messages so your child hears you when you make a request.

Tuesday - Natural Consequences

Wednesday - Logical Consequences part 1

Thursday - Logical Consequences part 2

Friday - Family Team Building

Until July 10 - Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB).

During these 6 weeks I will teach the entire curriculum live on zoom. 

Each day will be one half hour lesson. 

There is no fee to attend the live sessions. 

I will be using the RCB book and workbook.

The recordings will be posted to my Positive Parenting Online Recorded Class which you can purchase for a special pandemic price of $99 plus mailing charge. 

This will give you:

• book, workbook and Dial-A-Discipline
• access to ALL daily recordings during the class plus including ALL past zoom meetings 
• 3 live 60 minute group Q&A calls:  Friday, June 12 at 9am EST, Friday, June 26 at 9pm EST and Sunday, July 5 at Noon EST.
• Discounted private coaching ($100/hr).

Beginning July 10, the price will resume back to the pre-pandemic price of $199 for lifetime access. 

So please be sure to take advantage of the 50% off offer today.

I am surviving parenting on quarantine with you.

In December, I had moved in with my daughter, Briana, and her family in Louisville, Kentucky to help.  My daughter, incapacitated with morning sickness, pregnant with her 3rd child, needs help.  As her morning sickness dissipated in mid and late January, I was again traveling and teaching.  I also taught a class in Louisville that Briana and her husband attended.  What a great class!  Then the epidemic, now pandemic hit.  I guess it is grace of God that I am quarantined with Briana's lovely family in rural Kentucky.

I am glad I am not quarantined alone in either California or New York.

Eldon and Arlo (my grandson's) had their last day of school a couple of weeks ago.  We are adjusting to "Safe at Home" quarantine, which is what our governor calls it. I'm used to having a good amount of time while they are in school to do my work. Having them home has certainly been an adjustment for me as well!  I would have loved to jump on the Zoom free conference frenzy right away.  However, my days have been spent cooking, cleaning and most importantly, entertaining my 6 and 3 year old grand kids.

When it became apparent I am here awhile, I bought a travel trailer.  I put it in the backyard so I could have my own space and retreat when I needed it.  Plus, I have always wanted to have a "glamper". Following many families that are living in and renovating their RV"s, I get so many great ideas for ways to fix up my trailer.  As it turns out, many of these families homeschool their kids.  I get so many ideas for things to do with the kids while we are at home and essentially homeschooling.  My favorite is #boredombuster.  Go follow me on Instagram as I that is where I share the #boredombusters and other fun activities that I do with Eldon and Arlo.

We've finally settled into somewhat of a routine.

At the encouragement of many friends and clients, I will begin teaching on Zoom. I am a little nervous.  Will I be able to keep a schedule in the midst of this chaos?  Do you really need help with behavior challenges with your kids while we are in this crisis?  If my experience is any indication, I would say yes.  I am still following my own parenting advice best I can.  Luckily, there are 3 adults in the house and we can take turns.  If someone is getting fed up, there is usually someone else that can step in and take over.  I am still getting edgy at times.  First, I have picked the topic I need to refresh!  Now I am offering the things that my audience most needs to learn.

The webinars will be just 30 minutes.

For my sanity and yours, I will break the topics into half hour segments.  I will teach daily, Monday through Friday, at 11am Pacific, Noon Mountain, 1pm Central, or 2pm Eastern.  The webinars are live on Zoom.  So you must attend at the meeting time.  The recordings are available for purchase for $99.This includes access to ALL the recordings since April 3, and ALL new content as it's created.  Plus you will get the book, workbook and Dial mailed to you.

Will you help spread the word and help parents all over the world?

I would really appreciate your support and encouragement to help me make these free webinars available to everyone.  There are so many parents in this world, struggling and suffering.  Which means their kids are receiving the brunt of the parents stress.  I CAN HELP MAKE THIS BETTER!  So please both attend free zoom classes and share with your social networks, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn to help spread the word.

That is all for now.  I surely hope to see you soon on one of these free zoom parenting webinars.  And please feel free to ask questions below.

Be Safe at Home and Happy Parenting!

Debbie

The post Free Zoom Parenting Webinars during Safe at Home Quarantine appeared first on Positive Parenting.

So often parenting becomes a chore. In order to be effective, we must spend a great deal of time training our children. And especially following through with consequences of their misbehavior.

Use this Mistaken Goal Chart to figure out your child's misbehavior.

Sometimes mom or dad never seem to smile or laugh.. I think children are often be won over by our loving smile and warmth. Here are some ways to have fun when limits need to be set, or behavior needs to be redirected. Use these ideas when you don't remember the last time you smiled at your child.

1) When standing in line somewhere, to make discipline fun, make up a game, give your child your undivided attention and play it with your child.

The waiting is so boring for them; instead of making them stand quiet and leave us alone, take time to bond and have fun with your child.

2) Sing the limits in a singsong voice.

Hum it, rap it, or sing it to your favorite oldie, something to take the bossy edge out of our voice.

3) Put the kids in charge of the time.

State ahead of time what time everyone needs to leave the beach and ask for a volunteer to be timekeeper.

4) Make a family assembly line.

One year when we went to Hawaii, I was one adult with three kids. We came up with a routine to transfer luggage. One would stay at the curb and three would take some luggage inside to the line. One would stay with that luggage while two went back for more luggage. Back and forth in teams we went, until all luggage was transferred. This worked the entire trip and was fun, entertaining and got the job finished.

5) Give your kids a budget when you can if you are shopping or on vacation, instead of them begging, and us giving in at random.

Allow everyone to have a certain amount they are allowed to spend. Once in awhile, I surprise them with an outrageous budget, just for fun. Just think on a mundane trip to Target, offering them $20 to get what they want (no candy is my only limit).  Then they have so much fun and it decreases the begging and pleading on this trip and in the future.

6) Smile, laugh and play.

We are so busy that it seems most of our time is taken with chores and "have to do's". Staying on task is certainly important, and so is having fun! Attempt to be in the moment and make the moment worthwhile for your child. Maybe it's just cleaning, or cooking, or yard work. We can still choose to have some fun and make it interesting for our children. Notice the birds that fly by, smell the trunk of a tree (yes, some of them smell)! Take just a small amount of time to notice little details and point them out to your children with excitement and fun.

These are just a few ideas.  Please join me for Free Positive Parenting Zoom classes.  The classes are live every weekday at 2pm EST.  There is a different topic each day.

The post 6 Ways to Make Discipline Fun appeared first on Positive Parenting.

(A note from the author: "Teens Headed for Trouble: Turning it Around", came from a response to a mom in cyberspace facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter.  Hence I have used "she" throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as well.)

The Beginning

Is your teenager out-of-control? Staying out all night? Teens headed for trouble not telling you where she is? Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of desperation?

Do you feel it is either you or her?

Oftentimes in today’s world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you have gone on to another relationship and remarried. So, she was deeply hurt by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce, remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed impact on a child. Sometimes this surfaces in aggravated rebellion during the teen years.

THE DECISION

To turn this around takes a great deal of courage and time. And a commitment to not giving up on her, love, obviously, and patience.  While at the same time devoting the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it. For teens headed for trouble, a basic understanding of teenage development is helpful.

THE DILEMMA

Establishing rules for the teen only establishes power struggles...that she knows already that she will win. Hence, she has had enough experience now to know that she can get away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is "I know I can win in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to." When winning over you gives her a sense of power. However it does not get her what she really wants desperately-- a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved. A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She is a teen headed for trouble. This teen looks like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.

PEACE TALKS

Somehow, you must get her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing each other in atrocious way for years. Ask yourself, your new spouse, and your other children, "What will it take from each of us to make life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?" It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back the teens headed for trouble.

And, you will slip up. Know that.

You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with the hurtful statement when you are hurt. The job in the beginning will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility, respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family.

Suppose you have the following conversation:

"I want you to know that I really hate where our relationships is today. Truly, I hate how I feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you have been dishing out to me. And I want more than anything to go back to the way we were...(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing it differently around here?" AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you. If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are, or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc...Just wait: ask the question again:

"Are you interested in talking with me about doing it differently, having a better relationship?"

Keep asking the question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based on mutual respect. Where you can respect her and she can respect you. Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to talk out your problems. Communicate to her that you love her, and that you always will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior...that you could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on you.

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENS PERSPECTIVE

Having been there, and having worked with parents who have been there, I know this. I have found one of the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way--and do these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated existence from their parents.

And oftentimes, I have found it is around the Mom or Dad's choices to divorce and remarry.

If this transition doesn't get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved. that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent--they will start hurting--either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from each other. The pattern is hard to break--only love will break it. It took me several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along with all that you do.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

I suggest, as well, that you read Jane Bluestein's book, "Parents, Teens and Boundaries", because it is the flip side of this equation. You must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win. Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely...and be prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not a command that lights the power struggle fires!

I love her example of the store closing hours:

"If the store respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed, no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in spite of what you thought the hours were.

The store is not closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It's not closed to teach you a lesson. The store is not closed to mess with your mind. It's just closed. Period."

Boundaries are not punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson.

The boundaries simply let them know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!

Please know that this is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time, patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation, you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents. Parents who have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to end the war in your home.

Ruth S. Angaran, M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children's Behavior to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND--A Course for Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.

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Children’s Feelings - By Deborah Godfrey

This is a story I wrote about children's feelings many years ago.  But it still applies today. So if you're interested in learning more about how to manage children's feelings, please see my recorded online positive parenting class. Additionally you can listen to this Pep Talk about feelings.

I went on an errand one afternoon, leaving my 11 year old daughter home alone. Then twenty minutes later, I returned to find my child sobbing hysterically on the couch. “What happened, what’s the matter?” I frantically asked her. But she couldn’t answer, just continued to sob. I panicked. “Did someone hurt you?” She shook her head no. “Did you hurt yourself?” Again, no. Whew! “Briana! What happened?”

Between sobs, I heard, “Ha-ha-mster.”

Uh oh. We have a neighbor cat that the kids love to play with. And I ran to the room, afraid to look. Then I peeked in the cage, little Milkshake looked up, teeth barred, but alive! “She’s OK!” I yelled. Timidly, Briana came in the room, still crying and she couldn’t believe it. She said before it was laying with it’s leg hanging out of the cage and she was sure that cat had hurt it. “I got so mad at the cat, I picked her up and tossed her outside”, (pretty violent for my normally loving daughter).

She still looked upset.

Then I said, “Did you feel guilty that if the hamster was dead, it would have been your fault for letting the cat in?” Bingo! That was it. She nodded and began to sob again and this time I held her in my arms and let her cry. When she began to calm down, we were able to talk about what had happened and what she would do differently from then on. She was grateful, relieved and had learned a very important lesson about being responsible for keeping the bedroom door shut if she let the cat in.

Our children’s feelings of guilt are an opportunity for the child to learn about responsibility and the consequences of his or her actions. Parental response to guilt can have a tremendous impact on the development (or lack) of a child’s conscience. This is the ability to learn right from wrong, and their level of social interest and responsibility. Children who are allowed to feel their feelings, and helped by their parents to identify their feelings and learn from them, are learning the skills to deal with life in a responsible way. Feelings in children that are suppressed, express themselves in a wide variety of misbehavior.

Some of the ways which we as parents unknowingly stop feelings in children are:

• Rescuing – “I’ll make sure you that cat stays out of the house from now on. You don’t worry about it anymore!”
• Punishing – “You’re grounded from playing with the cat for one month!”
• Solving the Problem – “Why don’t you just cheer up, we’ll go out for ice cream and you won’t have to think about it anymore.”
• Moralizing – “How could you be so irresponsible? When I was young I was a very responsible girl and would never have let something like this happen!”
• Denial – “You shouldn’t feel guilty, it wasn’t your fault!”
• Humiliating – “I can’t believe you let this happen, how could you do this, I’m so ashamed of you. I’m going to make sure your friends know what you’ve done so you never let something like this happen again!”
• Pitying – “Oh, honey, that bad cat, she shouldn’t be picking on the hamsters like that and scaring you!”
• Lecturing – “From now on young lady, you are going to be more careful. I want you to always check before….”

(This is only a partial list of feeling stoppers, for more information please see pages 173-175 of the Redirecting Children’s Behavior Book)

While our intention is to teach our child a lesson in the above examples, our results are often much different. The child focuses on how unfair we are, or how bad they are, rather than learning from their mistake. If we want our child to learn, it is critical that we address the feelings first and then work with them on dealing with the situation.

Some ways to encourage feelings are:

• Be Empathetic – “I understand how you are feeling; I have felt that too, it hurts doesn’t it?”
• Validate Feelings – “You have a right to feel that way. If it happened to me, I probably would feel the same way.”
• Identify Feelings – “Sounds like you feel _____.” or “That must feel______.” or “Are you feeling sad?”
• Listen Intently – Make direct eye contact and listen for what is going on in her life. Listen as if it were your best friend talking to you. “I am listening. I am interested in what you are saying.”
• Be Curious – “That’s interesting, I want to know more about how you are feeling about that.” or “How could you handle that next time?” or “Anything else?”
• Affirm Feelings – “You’re feeling really sad!” or “I can see how angry you are!”
• Invite Expression of Feelings – “Tell me more. I want to know how you feel.” “I’m on your side.”

Once you have acknowledged the child’s feeling, you will see visible relief in the child and will feel very close in your relationship. This is a wonderful window of opportunity for you to share in communication with your child, a time of feeling close and connected with your child. It is these times when you will feel you and your child are really listening to each other and hearing each other. When you build closeness in your relationship this way, you will find that you have much greater influence in your child’s thoughts and decisions, they will begin to ask you what you think!

Just to let you know, after we talked about the hamster incident, Briana saw that cat and went outside to apologize.

The post Children’s Feelings appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Where do I start?

Can you help me fix something for under $10?

Try one of my mini-workshops to get started! Positive Parenting is a lifestyle. These are recordings of live workshops along with handouts designed to tackle specific issues and give you real-world examples of Positive Parenting. After listening to one of these classes, and practicing the ideas, you will be amazed how little changes make such a HUGE difference in your children.

A great introduction to Positive Parenting, my teaching style and the benefits of healthy communication with your child.

The post 9 Things To Do Instead of Spanking appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Parenting is an important job and successful parenting is key. We need to discipline in a way that teaches responsibility. By motivating our children internally to build their self-esteem they feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.

The following are ten keys for successful parenting.  These help parents use methods that are proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.

1 – Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)

Your child’s self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do. We do not put 100% focused attention on what our child says to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child’s attempts to communicate with us. If we don’t give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention, in a child’s mind, is better than being ignored.

It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, “Mommy, you never spend time with me” (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, “Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together.”

2 – Use Action, Not Words for Successful Parenting

Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become “parent deaf!” Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, “What action could I take?” For example, if you nag your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.

3 – Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don’t, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are:

• to ask their advice
• give them choices
• let them help you balance your check book
• cook all our part of a meal
• help you shop

A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle. However, the result is they feel unimportant.

4 – Use Natural Consequences

Ask yourself. "What would happen if I didn’t interfere in this situation"? If we interfere when we don’t need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. When we allow the consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don’t bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.

5 – Use Logical Consequences

Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.

6 – Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, what would successful parenting look like?  It is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to “Try again.” Do not leave in anger or defeat.

7 – Separate the Deed from the Doer

Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, "Did my discipline build my child’s self-esteem"?

8 – Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

Suppose you tell your five-year-old child that if she isn’t dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. You tell her she can either get dressed in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, "Did I motivate through love or fear"?

9 – Parent with the End in Mind

Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We look for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.

10 – Be Consistent, Follow Through

If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

This document is produced by the International Network for Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” course.

Did you find these tips helpful?  Please share this with your friends with our links below.  Do you have any comments or other suggestions for parents?  Please leave a comment or question below as well.

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A little over a year ago, Mind Valley flew me, Debbie Godfrey from Positive Parenting, to Santa Monica to shoot an episode for their Online Parenting channel called Little Humans. Well, the final production is finally here.  I'm so excited, I watched it for the first time yesterday. I laughed out loud several times while I was watching, we had so much fun during filming talking about power struggles! Very impressed, they did a fantastic job of editing and allowing all the things I taught to flow together with great clarity, as is their specialty.  Power Struggles is one topic I cover in my recorded online parenting program.

Dealing with Power Struggles

My segment, on Dealing with Power Struggles, is on the first episode of this positive parenting online program was in the first episode that aired on March 3, 2020. Unfortunately, you can no longer view my episode for free.  Please still opt-in to watch all the remaining episodes as they are released (one per day until March 12). Each episode will be free for 24 hours. If you missed any episodes (like mine!), the entire series will be available for purchase at an 88% discount during the initial viewing.  You can own unlimited and unrestricted viewing the series, plus many enhancements (I will be providing a bonus session in April for premium members).. And yes, I have an affiliate link, so I will gratefully and happily receive a portion of the cost you pay (should you decide to) for the series. But the link above is for the free 24 hour viewing, so don't hesitate to sign up today. I'm so excited to share my work with you. And you will love the information the other 15 experts as well.

What does it really take to be a ‘good parent’ in the modern world?

When we start having children, we think it’s supposed to come naturally to us. But it never does.

We try our best to raise our children to the best that we know — but we’re just not sure if we are doing it right or not.

We start asking ourselves questions like:

• How do I give my child the best possible future without projecting my past dreams onto them?

• Can I become an effective parent while juggling a busy career?

• In what way do I discipline my child without suffocating them?

You are not alone. 

Because so many parents around the world wanted answers, Mindvalley launched their first ever video series on transformational parenting called Little Humans.

This video series takes you on a journey into today’s most important parenting wisdom. You’ll get tools and practices you can instantly use to nurture happier, healthier, and more confident children at any age.

And the best part is, you are invited to watch them all for FREE >>

“Yes! I want to nurture happier and healthier children”

Being a good parent doesn’t have to be hard. Or a mystery.

All you need is guidance.

And this video series is all about empowering you to do just that.

Accept your free spot here >>

Hugs,

Debbie

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Help with Setting Limits on Screen Time

Who needs help with setting limits on screen time? Nothing is worse than asking your child to come to dinner and being ignored. Why? Because he’s on the phone/iPad/computer.  The child has what my dad called in the 60’s, “The glassy-eyed stupor”. It has existed since TV, became worse with the advent of video games like Atari and Play-Station, and is completely out of control today.  Children are on screens way too many hours a day, 7-10 depending on the age of the child/teen and the study sampled.  When kids get involved with games such as Fortnite, Halo and the like, that number can soar.  Whether that number is 7 hours or 17, this is a horrifying number, in my opinion. TV, internet and some apps can be educational; Duolingo, DragonBox, Quick Maths, YouTube Kids, and  Science360. What is your child's favorite? Unfortunately, most of what the children watch when left to their judgment is certainly not educational.

During the 20+ years I was raising my kids, and parents that take my class know, I didn't have television. That is, I had no cable with stations and such. I did have a TV hooked to a VCR and we had a library of videos and rented movies all the time.  Setting limits on screen time was so easy back then.

We also played many board games as an alternative to screen time. 

At one point, we bought a PlayStation and began to accumulate a wide variety of games that play on the computer, some educational, some not. I had many of the same fights over these forms of media that families today have with setting limits on screen time. Over the years I have come up with some strategies for handling the fighting and excessive use of screen time in it's various forms.  Setting limits on video games became a struggle that I took seriously and had many successes and challenges.

Today, the number one challenge that comes up for the parents taking my parenting class is power struggles and setting limits with screen time!

There is an exception... I teach classes for parents at Waldorf Schools, and the parents and teachers, as a policy, discourage any screen time.  (In these classes, the issue still comes up, but with less distress and much less frequently than other classes.) I recently found a simple tool to determine if your child is addicted to screens.

The problem is that kids ignore parents when they are using their phones, iPads or playing an online game.

They forget to eat, go to the bathroom, clean up after themselves, do their chores and play. Parents nag, kids ignore, and the battle rages everyday in this manner.

The key to taking back control of gaming in your home is to make agreements ahead of time before the screen ever goes on.

There should be a clear agreement that spells out the limits and rules about the use of the game. When a new "Spiro" game came out on PlayStation, my kids would fight for days (if no agreements were made) over who would to play. The rule is that they must make a schedule before they turn it on. They have to agree who plays, for how long and even write down exactly what time each will play. They all have to sign it, as if it's a contract. Here's what it might look like:

Who gets to be on Play Station:
Michelle 3:30-4:00
Briana 4:00-4:30
Michael 4:30-5:00

X_______________X______________X_______________

The first agreement is that they must do this before they turn on the screen.

The second agreement is that they make a detailed schedule of who is on and when. The agreement must be hung up on the refrigerator. That way, if I think one kid is over the limit, or if there is a fight over whose turn it is, I can simply refer to the schedule. If they do not adhere to their agreement, than the game is off for the day. I found this routine to be a great way to keep myself out of the battles and for the kids to work out their issues with each other.  Contracts are perhaps the best tool for. setting limits on screen time.

With television, you can set limits in a similar manner. Sit down with the family on Sunday. Make a chart with the programs that each child wants to watch during the week. Make sure to have the TV off at all other times. One mom I know also includes a "NO TV" night every week.

It is also helpful to make an agreement about what needs to happen before turning on the TV or video game.

For example, my son likes to get up early and play. The agreement is that he has to be fully ready for school before he turns on the computer. It is spelled out in the agreement that he needs to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth and make his lunch. After just a few weeks of following through with the consequences, he learned to get everything finished before turning on the games.

The most important factor for the agreement to work is consistent follow through. Make sure that you stay involved with the kids, both in the agreement-making phase and while they are playing. Make sure that they adhere to the schedule. Follow through with the consequences with a kind and firm attitude. "It's a bummer that you need to turn the Screen off for the rest of the day". Don't give in to their pleading or promises.

Giving in is what undermines our parental authority and parental control.

The children come to believe that if they make promises to behave better, then we will give in. They typically forget in a rather short period of time and we become exhausted and angry that they are not keeping their end of the bargain. However, if we have agreed that the screen will go off if the agreement is not kept, and then we give in to a "bargain" we are showing our children that bargains do not necessarily have to be kept. This is why the battle goes on and on.

During the training period of implementing a new agreement (usually 2-4 weeks) it is very important to maintain complete consistency and follow-through. Being flexible should not be an option during the training phase of the agreement. Flexibility is crucial in parenting, and there is a time and place for it. The time for flexibility is not while helping children learn a new routine. Once a new routine is established, then you can become more flexible if you think that is appropriate. My experience has led me to believe that too much flexibility with routines leads to misbehaving kids. It's better to maintain consistency with agreements and be flexible with issues that come up "in the moment".

With some work and effort initially, making agreements with the kids and creating a plan for follow-through, you can avoid so many of the headaches you face on a daily basis, fighting over the excessive screen time.

Start today, make a family routine that brings order and sanity to your home!

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