by Karan Sims

Most parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age two. It's the first time dealing with power struggles.See the Positive Parenting class for more dealing with power struggles. They feel challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times into a rewarding growth period for them and their children. A shift in perspective concerning the child's behavior a parent becomes clever and creative. Now a parent's response to the child's perceived "headstrong, rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior is more positive.

Special on Online Power Struggles Class at Udemy 84% off until 8am March 4, 2025.

Empowering not Overpowering

Switch the view that children's willful behavior is "bad" and therefore the parent must discipline in a way that overpowers the child. Instead a parent can view this behavior as a healthy positive sign of their child's development. Then the parent ca find ways to empower the child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals in the developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves. Also exerting their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own way, declaring ownership and authority.

When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight - either giving in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive behaviors. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and valuable and dealing with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the parents. *For more ideas see the Positive Parenting Recorded Online Class

Dealing with Power Struggles - The First Step is to Side-Step

The first step in effectively and positively dealing with power struggles is to side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other end of the rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready for a nap. "NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" "I want you to carry me upside down and tickle me as we go."

The mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle and by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created an ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than hateful and painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power struggle, you send your child the message "I am not going to fight with you. I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I'm not going to give in, either."

Choices, Not Orders

After side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the change made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again at the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper was changed and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was ended.

When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.

Also be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.

Choices should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.

Dealing with Power Struggles - Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful

Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this situation?" One mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.

Do the Unexpected

One parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose is not to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with her children and keep her end goal of a close, loving and cooperative atmosphere in mind.

Dealing with Power Struggles - Getting to Win-Win

Power struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their children by responding to a child’s demands, "That sounds like a good way for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think of a solution that works for both of us?"

Dealing with Power Struggles - Handling "NO"

Parents often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or question authority. However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy into the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate situations.

Powerlessness Creates Revenge

Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age two and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running away and suicide.

When children act out in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are most often feeling powerless and discouraged about a positive way to contribute and know that their actions count. Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.

Karan Sims is a Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor for the International Network for Children and Families.

The post Dealing With Power Struggles appeared first on Positive Parenting.

These parenting styles reflect thousands of years of training in autocratic societies. Redirecting is a Parent's Alternative.

We adopt a parenting style similar to our parents, or exactly the opposite in defiance of their ways. This passes from generation to generation since culture began. Democracy is relatively new to the world and therefore the parenting style appropriate to raising children in preparation for living this way, fairly new as well. The parenting style most effective for preparing children to live in a democratic society is called Redirection.

The following are some personal examples of how Redirecting works as a parent's alternative to punishment, permissiveness and rewards.

My 5 & 6 year old were running around the house, yelling, screaming, fighting etc.

I was going nuts trying to get dinner ready. I yelled at them to knock it off (the beginning of punishment). When that didn’t work, I was tempted to really let them have it (punishment). Instead I decided to Redirect.

I took a moment, got down on their level and said, "What can you do to make yourselves useful so I could finish making dinner?" They decided to sweep the floor together. They immediately settled down and got to work. I was amazed when they also decided to mop, and then wiped the windowsills clean. The bedlam ended and we all felt valuable, capable and proud of our contributions.

My 10 year old had a problem when friends came over

Her room would become a disaster area which she could not ever seem to clean up. Instead of letting her get away with irresponsibility (permissiveness), then having a week-long battle, I decided to Redirect. So we discussed this and came up with a mutually agreeable solution. Every 1/2 hour I would announce "Room check in 5 minutes!" and she and her friend would need to straighten everything except what they were playing with. The result was a clean room and a child who learned she needed to be responsible to get what she wanted.

My 5 year old son showed me an empty plastic cup after school.

He said he had gotten some m&m’s for counting his numbers well (reward). So I said, "Great job, Michael!" He said, "Yeah, but it isn’t even related!" However, he intuitively knew that the reward was not related to his accomplishment. I told this story to one of my parenting classes and a teacher offered, "If the teacher had counted out the m&m’s, then it would have been related!"

To learn more about this and other important positive parenting tools according to your child's age, fill out this form and I will send you the specific common, normal, annoying behaviors for their age and stage.

The post Redirecting – A Parent’s Alternative appeared first on Positive Parenting.

The pandemic has drastically altered my life, how about you?  I am readjusting to a new routine and I'm offering you free daily Zoom parenting webinars (this link is to the Facebook page) during Safe at Home Quarantine. I am happy to contribute and do my part to help all you parents (and grandparents) survive parenting on quarantine.

Time for ALL free Zoom Positive Parenting Meetings:

11 AM Pacific Time.  Noon Mountain Time.  1 PM Central Time.  2 PM Eastern Time

Get your Zoom link to join us here.

Schedule this week:

Monday - Learn how to teach self-calming to your children. You will also learn the tool of using I-messages so your child hears you when you make a request.

Tuesday - Natural Consequences

Wednesday - Logical Consequences part 1

Thursday - Logical Consequences part 2

Friday - Family Team Building

Until July 10 - Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB).

During these 6 weeks I will teach the entire curriculum live on zoom. 

Each day will be one half hour lesson. 

There is no fee to attend the live sessions. 

I will be using the RCB book and workbook.

The recordings will be posted to my Positive Parenting Online Recorded Class which you can purchase for a special pandemic price of $99 plus mailing charge. 

This will give you:

• book, workbook and Dial-A-Discipline
• access to ALL daily recordings during the class plus including ALL past zoom meetings 
• 3 live 60 minute group Q&A calls:  Friday, June 12 at 9am EST, Friday, June 26 at 9pm EST and Sunday, July 5 at Noon EST.
• Discounted private coaching ($100/hr).

Beginning July 10, the price will resume back to the pre-pandemic price of $199 for lifetime access. 

So please be sure to take advantage of the 50% off offer today.

I am surviving parenting on quarantine with you.

In December, I had moved in with my daughter, Briana, and her family in Louisville, Kentucky to help.  My daughter, incapacitated with morning sickness, pregnant with her 3rd child, needs help.  As her morning sickness dissipated in mid and late January, I was again traveling and teaching.  I also taught a class in Louisville that Briana and her husband attended.  What a great class!  Then the epidemic, now pandemic hit.  I guess it is grace of God that I am quarantined with Briana's lovely family in rural Kentucky.

I am glad I am not quarantined alone in either California or New York.

Eldon and Arlo (my grandson's) had their last day of school a couple of weeks ago.  We are adjusting to "Safe at Home" quarantine, which is what our governor calls it. I'm used to having a good amount of time while they are in school to do my work. Having them home has certainly been an adjustment for me as well!  I would have loved to jump on the Zoom free conference frenzy right away.  However, my days have been spent cooking, cleaning and most importantly, entertaining my 6 and 3 year old grand kids.

When it became apparent I am here awhile, I bought a travel trailer.  I put it in the backyard so I could have my own space and retreat when I needed it.  Plus, I have always wanted to have a "glamper". Following many families that are living in and renovating their RV"s, I get so many great ideas for ways to fix up my trailer.  As it turns out, many of these families homeschool their kids.  I get so many ideas for things to do with the kids while we are at home and essentially homeschooling.  My favorite is #boredombuster.  Go follow me on Instagram as I that is where I share the #boredombusters and other fun activities that I do with Eldon and Arlo.

We've finally settled into somewhat of a routine.

At the encouragement of many friends and clients, I will begin teaching on Zoom. I am a little nervous.  Will I be able to keep a schedule in the midst of this chaos?  Do you really need help with behavior challenges with your kids while we are in this crisis?  If my experience is any indication, I would say yes.  I am still following my own parenting advice best I can.  Luckily, there are 3 adults in the house and we can take turns.  If someone is getting fed up, there is usually someone else that can step in and take over.  I am still getting edgy at times.  First, I have picked the topic I need to refresh!  Now I am offering the things that my audience most needs to learn.

The webinars will be just 30 minutes.

For my sanity and yours, I will break the topics into half hour segments.  I will teach daily, Monday through Friday, at 11am Pacific, Noon Mountain, 1pm Central, or 2pm Eastern.  The webinars are live on Zoom.  So you must attend at the meeting time.  The recordings are available for purchase for $99.This includes access to ALL the recordings since April 3, and ALL new content as it's created.  Plus you will get the book, workbook and Dial mailed to you.

Will you help spread the word and help parents all over the world?

I would really appreciate your support and encouragement to help me make these free webinars available to everyone.  There are so many parents in this world, struggling and suffering.  Which means their kids are receiving the brunt of the parents stress.  I CAN HELP MAKE THIS BETTER!  So please both attend free zoom classes and share with your social networks, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn to help spread the word.

That is all for now.  I surely hope to see you soon on one of these free zoom parenting webinars.  And please feel free to ask questions below.

Be Safe at Home and Happy Parenting!

Debbie

The post Free Zoom Parenting Webinars during Safe at Home Quarantine appeared first on Positive Parenting.

(A note from the author: "Teens Headed for Trouble: Turning it Around", came from a response to a mom in cyberspace facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter.  Hence I have used "she" throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as well.)

The Beginning

Is your teenager out-of-control? Staying out all night? Teens headed for trouble not telling you where she is? Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of desperation?

Do you feel it is either you or her?

Oftentimes in today’s world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you have gone on to another relationship and remarried. So, she was deeply hurt by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce, remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed impact on a child. Sometimes this surfaces in aggravated rebellion during the teen years.

THE DECISION

To turn this around takes a great deal of courage and time. And a commitment to not giving up on her, love, obviously, and patience.  While at the same time devoting the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it. For teens headed for trouble, a basic understanding of teenage development is helpful.

THE DILEMMA

Establishing rules for the teen only establishes power struggles...that she knows already that she will win. Hence, she has had enough experience now to know that she can get away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is "I know I can win in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to." When winning over you gives her a sense of power. However it does not get her what she really wants desperately-- a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved. A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She is a teen headed for trouble. This teen looks like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.

PEACE TALKS

Somehow, you must get her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing each other in atrocious way for years. Ask yourself, your new spouse, and your other children, "What will it take from each of us to make life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?" It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back the teens headed for trouble.

And, you will slip up. Know that.

You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with the hurtful statement when you are hurt. The job in the beginning will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility, respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family.

Suppose you have the following conversation:

"I want you to know that I really hate where our relationships is today. Truly, I hate how I feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you have been dishing out to me. And I want more than anything to go back to the way we were...(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing it differently around here?" AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you. If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are, or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc...Just wait: ask the question again:

"Are you interested in talking with me about doing it differently, having a better relationship?"

Keep asking the question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based on mutual respect. Where you can respect her and she can respect you. Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to talk out your problems. Communicate to her that you love her, and that you always will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior...that you could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on you.

UNDERSTANDING THE TEENS PERSPECTIVE

Having been there, and having worked with parents who have been there, I know this. I have found one of the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way--and do these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated existence from their parents.

And oftentimes, I have found it is around the Mom or Dad's choices to divorce and remarry.

If this transition doesn't get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are loved. that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent--they will start hurting--either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from each other. The pattern is hard to break--only love will break it. It took me several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along with all that you do.

BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS

I suggest, as well, that you read Jane Bluestein's book, "Parents, Teens and Boundaries", because it is the flip side of this equation. You must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win. Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely...and be prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not a command that lights the power struggle fires!

I love her example of the store closing hours:

"If the store respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed, no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in spite of what you thought the hours were.

The store is not closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It's not closed to teach you a lesson. The store is not closed to mess with your mind. It's just closed. Period."

Boundaries are not punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson.

The boundaries simply let them know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!

Please know that this is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time, patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation, you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents. Parents who have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to end the war in your home.

Ruth S. Angaran, M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children's Behavior to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND--A Course for Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.

The post Teens Headed for Trouble: Turning it Around appeared first on Positive Parenting.

A little over a year ago, Mind Valley flew me, Debbie Godfrey from Positive Parenting, to Santa Monica to shoot an episode for their Online Parenting channel called Little Humans. Well, the final production is finally here.  I'm so excited, I watched it for the first time yesterday. I laughed out loud several times while I was watching, we had so much fun during filming talking about power struggles! Very impressed, they did a fantastic job of editing and allowing all the things I taught to flow together with great clarity, as is their specialty.  Power Struggles is one topic I cover in my recorded online parenting program.

Dealing with Power Struggles

My segment, on Dealing with Power Struggles, is on the first episode of this positive parenting online program was in the first episode that aired on March 3, 2020. Unfortunately, you can no longer view my episode for free.  Please still opt-in to watch all the remaining episodes as they are released (one per day until March 12). Each episode will be free for 24 hours. If you missed any episodes (like mine!), the entire series will be available for purchase at an 88% discount during the initial viewing.  You can own unlimited and unrestricted viewing the series, plus many enhancements (I will be providing a bonus session in April for premium members).. And yes, I have an affiliate link, so I will gratefully and happily receive a portion of the cost you pay (should you decide to) for the series. But the link above is for the free 24 hour viewing, so don't hesitate to sign up today. I'm so excited to share my work with you. And you will love the information the other 15 experts as well.

What does it really take to be a ‘good parent’ in the modern world?

When we start having children, we think it’s supposed to come naturally to us. But it never does.

We try our best to raise our children to the best that we know — but we’re just not sure if we are doing it right or not.

We start asking ourselves questions like:

• How do I give my child the best possible future without projecting my past dreams onto them?

• Can I become an effective parent while juggling a busy career?

• In what way do I discipline my child without suffocating them?

You are not alone. 

Because so many parents around the world wanted answers, Mindvalley launched their first ever video series on transformational parenting called Little Humans.

This video series takes you on a journey into today’s most important parenting wisdom. You’ll get tools and practices you can instantly use to nurture happier, healthier, and more confident children at any age.

And the best part is, you are invited to watch them all for FREE >>

“Yes! I want to nurture happier and healthier children”

Being a good parent doesn’t have to be hard. Or a mystery.

All you need is guidance.

And this video series is all about empowering you to do just that.

Accept your free spot here >>

Hugs,

Debbie

The post Positive Parenting Online Launch appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Help with Setting Limits on Screen Time

Who needs help with setting limits on screen time? Nothing is worse than asking your child to come to dinner and being ignored. Why? Because he’s on the phone/iPad/computer.  The child has what my dad called in the 60’s, “The glassy-eyed stupor”. It has existed since TV, became worse with the advent of video games like Atari and Play-Station, and is completely out of control today.  Children are on screens way too many hours a day, 7-10 depending on the age of the child/teen and the study sampled.  When kids get involved with games such as Fortnite, Halo and the like, that number can soar.  Whether that number is 7 hours or 17, this is a horrifying number, in my opinion. TV, internet and some apps can be educational; Duolingo, DragonBox, Quick Maths, YouTube Kids, and  Science360. What is your child's favorite? Unfortunately, most of what the children watch when left to their judgment is certainly not educational.

During the 20+ years I was raising my kids, and parents that take my class know, I didn't have television. That is, I had no cable with stations and such. I did have a TV hooked to a VCR and we had a library of videos and rented movies all the time.  Setting limits on screen time was so easy back then.

We also played many board games as an alternative to screen time. 

At one point, we bought a PlayStation and began to accumulate a wide variety of games that play on the computer, some educational, some not. I had many of the same fights over these forms of media that families today have with setting limits on screen time. Over the years I have come up with some strategies for handling the fighting and excessive use of screen time in it's various forms.  Setting limits on video games became a struggle that I took seriously and had many successes and challenges.

Today, the number one challenge that comes up for the parents taking my parenting class is power struggles and setting limits with screen time!

There is an exception... I teach classes for parents at Waldorf Schools, and the parents and teachers, as a policy, discourage any screen time.  (In these classes, the issue still comes up, but with less distress and much less frequently than other classes.) I recently found a simple tool to determine if your child is addicted to screens.

The problem is that kids ignore parents when they are using their phones, iPads or playing an online game.

They forget to eat, go to the bathroom, clean up after themselves, do their chores and play. Parents nag, kids ignore, and the battle rages everyday in this manner.

The key to taking back control of gaming in your home is to make agreements ahead of time before the screen ever goes on.

There should be a clear agreement that spells out the limits and rules about the use of the game. When a new "Spiro" game came out on PlayStation, my kids would fight for days (if no agreements were made) over who would to play. The rule is that they must make a schedule before they turn it on. They have to agree who plays, for how long and even write down exactly what time each will play. They all have to sign it, as if it's a contract. Here's what it might look like:

Who gets to be on Play Station:
Michelle 3:30-4:00
Briana 4:00-4:30
Michael 4:30-5:00

X_______________X______________X_______________

The first agreement is that they must do this before they turn on the screen.

The second agreement is that they make a detailed schedule of who is on and when. The agreement must be hung up on the refrigerator. That way, if I think one kid is over the limit, or if there is a fight over whose turn it is, I can simply refer to the schedule. If they do not adhere to their agreement, than the game is off for the day. I found this routine to be a great way to keep myself out of the battles and for the kids to work out their issues with each other.  Contracts are perhaps the best tool for. setting limits on screen time.

With television, you can set limits in a similar manner. Sit down with the family on Sunday. Make a chart with the programs that each child wants to watch during the week. Make sure to have the TV off at all other times. One mom I know also includes a "NO TV" night every week.

It is also helpful to make an agreement about what needs to happen before turning on the TV or video game.

For example, my son likes to get up early and play. The agreement is that he has to be fully ready for school before he turns on the computer. It is spelled out in the agreement that he needs to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth and make his lunch. After just a few weeks of following through with the consequences, he learned to get everything finished before turning on the games.

The most important factor for the agreement to work is consistent follow through. Make sure that you stay involved with the kids, both in the agreement-making phase and while they are playing. Make sure that they adhere to the schedule. Follow through with the consequences with a kind and firm attitude. "It's a bummer that you need to turn the Screen off for the rest of the day". Don't give in to their pleading or promises.

Giving in is what undermines our parental authority and parental control.

The children come to believe that if they make promises to behave better, then we will give in. They typically forget in a rather short period of time and we become exhausted and angry that they are not keeping their end of the bargain. However, if we have agreed that the screen will go off if the agreement is not kept, and then we give in to a "bargain" we are showing our children that bargains do not necessarily have to be kept. This is why the battle goes on and on.

During the training period of implementing a new agreement (usually 2-4 weeks) it is very important to maintain complete consistency and follow-through. Being flexible should not be an option during the training phase of the agreement. Flexibility is crucial in parenting, and there is a time and place for it. The time for flexibility is not while helping children learn a new routine. Once a new routine is established, then you can become more flexible if you think that is appropriate. My experience has led me to believe that too much flexibility with routines leads to misbehaving kids. It's better to maintain consistency with agreements and be flexible with issues that come up "in the moment".

With some work and effort initially, making agreements with the kids and creating a plan for follow-through, you can avoid so many of the headaches you face on a daily basis, fighting over the excessive screen time.

Start today, make a family routine that brings order and sanity to your home!

The post Setting Limits on Screen Time appeared first on Positive Parenting.

by Kathryn Kvols and Helen Hall, RN, MSN, CFNP

"Zachary, time for bed." Struggling, "NO!"

How can a parent deal with bedtime without struggling?

"NO!" Two year old Zachary responds, running toward the playroom. Mother follows close behind, pleading, "It's time for bed, honey. C'mon, now."

"No, Mommy, no!" squeals Zachary as Mother swoops down to pick him up. Zachary's body stiffens, his back arches, and he begins kicking his feet in order to free himself of her tightening grip. Wildly, Zachary kicks his Mother as he struggles to get loose.

"Stop it! You're going to bed, NOW!"

She is not to be outdone by her child's resistant behavior. Zachary begins to cry loudly as Mother, somewhat beaten and greatly exasperated, pulls off his clothes for his impending bath. This emotional and physical power struggle continues. Through Zachary's bath, pajamas, tooth brushing, which abruptly ends with a token kiss. Bedtime without struggling seems an impossible goal.

Exhausted and frustrated, Mother proceeds down the stairs hopeful for some solitude. Only to hear, "Mommmmy, I want a drink. Me go potty!" Feeling guilty and yet, still angry, Mother hurriedly responds. With the requested water and a brisk trip to the bathroom. Setting him on the bed says evenly, "Don't let me hear another word. Good night!" Mother stomps down the stairs after slamming his door. Zachary is left huddled on his bed, crying into his pillow.  She feels guilty and frustrated in front of the television.

But through the eyes of the child - Bedtime without Struggling

Now, look at this same scene through the eyes of the child - in this case Zachary. We parents get accustomed to looking at this scene through our "adult eyes" and miss the opportunity to understand from our child's perspective.

Imagine that you are in the middle of a good book and your spouse says, "It's time for bed." In spite of your response, "No, I'm not ready just yet," you are helped unwillingly up the stairs, your clothes are removed and you are forced into taking a bath. Consider how you are feeling. Are you feeling disrespected, violated, angry, devalued or controlled? Maybe you are thinking, "Yes, but a two-year-old doesn't feel this way - it's not the same, he's not an adult, besides, I'm the parent."

True, the child is not yet an adult.

However he IS a person, has feelings and is at an important growth stage. Wanting independence and he is experimenting with how to have his choices be known and honored. This is the beginning of his being an individual - he is establishing his separateness from his parents and is exploring his competence and capabilities.

Many times going to bed is not the issue, he may be tired and ready. Yet the command of telling him what to do  brings up a feeling of being controlled. Isn't it true that this is often our reaction as adults when someone gives us a "command" in the same way? The issue becomes one of wanting control over ourselves and what happens to us. In this scene with Zachary and Mother, Zachary does not feel understood and it causes the struggle to escalate. Also, as Mother continues to overpower Zachary, he feels unloved and rejected and Mother is left feeling pretty much the same way.

Bedtime can be a special time

Between children and parents it is natural for us to desire closeness or connectedness before going to sleep. Often times, however, parents have over-burdened themselves during the day. So they are eager to get the child in bed as soon as possible so they can have some quiet time for themselves. This can cause the child to feel that his parents are trying to "get rid of him." In our bedtime struggle story, Zachary's desire for more closeness is expressed through wanting a drink and "going potty". This results in more tension between he and his mom and both feeling hurt and rejected.

So, consider these questions: What did Zachary want in our story?

More importantly, what does your child want?

To:

• Declare his independence or sense of self.
• Feel close or connected with his parent.
• Have a sense of control over what happens to him.
• Be respected, seen and heard.

How can you, as a parent, give your child what he wants and needs and still have him go to bed in a timely manner, the bedtime without struggling we all wish?

• Respect your needs. Take care of yourself during the day so you are not feeling hassled and frazzled at your child's bedtime. Set your child's bedtime at an hour that allows you some solitude and/or "couple time" with your partner after your child goes to bed.

Whenever possible, have both parents be a part of the bedtime ritual. Bedtime is more fun and less of a burden when both parents participate.

• Start your bedtime ritual forty-five minutes to one hour before your child's actual bedtime hour to avoid unnecessary stress and struggle. This process should be a winding down time, in other words, eliminate activities that would excite the child such as rough-housing or tickling.

Respect his sense of time by telling him that bedtime is in 15 minutes, allowing him to complete a particular activity before his actual bedtime hour.

• Offer choices instead of orders. Your child will have a feeling of control over what happens to him when given choices. For example, you might say, "Do you want your dad to help you with your bath or me?" Or "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" Or "Do you want to sleep with your gorilla or your kitty?"

Make a bedtime ritual with your child's help and advice.

For example, read a story, snuggle, give three stuffed animals to kiss, give a hug and two kisses and leave the room singing a song. Routine is particularly important from at least 12 months of age through age two. The routine needs to have a quality of sameness or routine -- the same order or the same song -- to provide a sense of security.

Create closeness. For example:

• Talk about "Remember When," such as "Remember when we went camping and that raccoon got into our food?" Or "I remember when you were a baby and loved to have your tummy rubbed."
• Listen to your child's feeling about the day.
• Say three things that you love about each other. Start each statement with, "What I love about you is..." and complete it with a specific thing that you love. For instance, "What I love about you is the way you helped put your books away today," or "What I love about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits."
• Ask the following questions that allow your child to share more about himself:
• "What was the best thing that happened to you today?"
• "The worst thing that happened to you today?"
• "What was the silliest thing that happened to you today?"
• Some children may talk more freely with the lights out. Try to discover what is most encouraging to your child in enhancing your communication together.

After you have completed your bedtime routine, leave your child's room.

Explain to to your child ONCE when you start this new routine, "If you come out of the room for any reason other than emergency, I will lovingly guide or carry you back to your room." "I will not talk to you after saying goodnight and closing the bedroom door."

In order to have bedtime without struggling, it is essential that you do not talk to your child after the bedtime routine is complete.

Your child pays more attention to your actions than your words. Further, if you continue to talk to your child, you are more likely to get into a verbal power struggle about going to bed. If you discover yourself saying, "Didn't you hear what I said? I told you to go to bed and I wasn't going to talk anymore!" Stop talking and take loving action by guiding your child back to bed. You may have to guide your child back to his room several times. Particularly at the beginning because children will test their parents. However, as the week progresses, bedtime will become more pleasant for both you and your child.

You can make bedtime a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication and fun.

Involve your children in the decision-making process. Spend this special time with them and they feel valued and respected. By setting limits, you gain the respect of your children and build their self-esteem.

Helen Hall is a pediatric Nurse Practitioner for the FM 1960 Pediatric Center and Learning/Development Center, both in Houston, Texas. She also teaches parenting educators through the International Network for Children and Families.

Kathryn Kvols is the president of the International Network for Children and Families and the author of “Redirecting Children’s Behavior”.  She is also a national speaker and workshop leader.

To learn more about your child's behavior, please visit our Online recorded Positive Parenting Class.

The post Bedtime Without Struggling appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Nothing is more frustrating to a parent than a child's messy room.  Teaching kids to clean their room is such an important tool for navigating our relationship with our child.  I see the process of helping a child learn to manage their room as a life skill that will be with them into adulthood.

Before you begin to discipline your child, it would be helpful to consider the following:

• Who needs this room clean now?  Usually, it's the parent and not the child, so realizing the parent has a high level of motivation and energy toward getting the room clean, and the child may not have any interest at all in getting the room clean.  Being clear and understanding your child's perspective can drive the communication more effectively.
• Are your expectations age appropriate? Because little children love to help, we often expect them to be able to keep their room clean.  But really, it's a big responsibility and a big chore, and it takes time for them to learn.
• Is there a consistent expectation for your child?  So often, we do not consistently implement a message about the room.  Kids work best with clear directions, personal attention and a consistent message from us as to what we want them to do.  Along with this is appreciation for the contribution their helpfulness makes to you and the family environment.

So now that you have thought more about it...let's jump in with some hands-on advice.  In this article, and in more detail on the accompanying MP3, you will learn 6 specific ways you can help your child learn responsibility for cleaning their room.

1. Look at the messy room as an opportunity to parent each of your kids more effectively

2. Give only 1 small task or chore (responsibility) to a toddler

3. Be willing to help as is age appropriate - giving more responsibility as they get older

4. Break the task into smaller steps..."Pick up everything that is red first" or "pick up all the toys first"

5. Have a Saturday "Room Cleaning" day for the messy room

6. Create an agreement to provide a "Room Check" with your older child.

I have recorded a 3.5 minute Parenting Pep Talk with more details about each of these 6 tips for Getting Their Messy Room Clean.

If you would like to learn how to deal with power struggles, take my Video Class on Dealing with Power Struggles.

For more ideas, I would also suggest you take my Positive Parenting Teleclass on MP3.

I strongly encourage you to respond to this post and to share your ideas for helping kids keep their room clean. Not every idea works for every child, so the more discussion about this, the more helpful it can be.  I also encourage you to share your successes and challenges with these ideas.

Messy Room No More!

The post 6 Parenting Tips For a Messy Room appeared first on Positive Parenting.

I thought her question about her kid jumping on the bed was a good one.

And one that some of you may have, so I asked her permission to share it with you, and hopefully everyone will get some ideas.  Here is her email:

"Thank you for your free seminar today, I really found it interesting and I would really like to participate in your 15 week class..."

I did have one question regarding the redirection and repetition. I have a little boy, Robert, who is almost three. In the evenings when Grandpa (lives with us) sits down after dinner in the living room to watch TV, Robert will run in and stand or start jumping on the sofa.

Grandpa tells him, in a firm voice, to stop jumping or sit down.

Hearing this, I usually go in and remove him from the sofa and tell him that we don't jump or stand on the sofa. He thinks it is a game and runs back in and jumps on the sofa. And this goes on until Grandpa gets annoyed and I have to help Robert find another way to entertain himself (ie toy, craft, etc).

Usually that means I have to stop clearing the table and doing dishes, etc.

On occasion it also happens during the day when Grandpa is not there so I am not sure if it is just to get his attention or to get my attention, or both.

I usually remove him from the living room area each time, but should I be using this time to correct him by having/showing him to sit down on the sofa each time we repeat the repetition exercise? Also is it okay that I am the one to address the problem because Grandpa will not have the patience for possible "47" times repetition exercise.

Thanks!
Kimberley

When I read this question, I immediately thought of my workshop entitled,

"Tell Them What Do Do, Not What To Don't".

You can listen to a 3-minute Pep Talk where I explain this idea.  So, in answer to your question, Kimberly, yes you can use the tool "respond like a broken record". And use the time you would otherwise spend distracting him to train him.

Remember the tips I gave you in the recorded class to get this to work... you must have the to repeat however many times it takes the first time you try it. Otherwise, your little guy will learn how long he has to push you before you break, rather than that you are consistent.  I would listen to the Pep Talk first, then come up with your idea to respond like a broken record.  I like that you have been distracting him with other things, so perhaps you can incorporate that idea into your planned response.

The bad news is that if grandpa is unable or unwilling to do this, your son may continue to "test" him.  I would suggest telling grandpa what you are going to try. And ask for his support by allowing you to do it without criticism.  Perhaps when he sees the results, he will be inspired and willing to come up with his own version of "responding like a broken record" from which your son can learn.  Please let me know how it goes!

If you try this idea, and it works, please post your success story here.  If it DOESN'T work, please also post here and let's trouble shoot another response!

Happy Parenting!

Love and Hugs,

Deb

The post What To Do About Kid Jumping on the Bed appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Imagine if someone with authority said to you that you could not use corporal punishment to discipline your children. Stop and think...how would you handle it?

Would it cause dramatic changes in the way you discipline your kids? Would you go into a panic? Would you give up disciplining all together?

Eliminating corporal punishment (deciding to spare the rod) means more than forgoing bottom spanking. It includes a slap on the wrist, the smack on the face and any other body parts that may be struck.

Numerous studies have revealed that if we were raised with corporal punishment we will most likely raise our children the same way. What we know about being parents generally comes from the parents that raised us.

Some of you may be asking at this point, so what’s really wrong with a swat on the bottom? It’s fast, effective and has nothing to do with child abuse. However, very few people can say with confidence that they have never hit their kids just a little harder than they intended. It’s possible for well intentioned loving parents to get angry enough with their children to use spanking as a means of releasing their own anger. Although these parents are well aware that the purpose of discipline is to teach, when corporal punishment is used, the danger of using and abusing children is greater.

Most parents will agree that children learn a great deal through imitation, especially when they see their children dress up in their clothes, repeat familiar phrases or even pantomime cigarette smoking. When mom or dad spanks little Tommy they are using hitting as a form of communication. They are in fact teaching him through imitation to communicate with his hands (hitting) instead of with words.

When our children see us become so angry with them that we strike them, we not only lose sight of why we are disciplining them, but we show them that it is an appropriate way to deal with anger.

So where does that leave our imaginary situation where corporal punishment is not permitted? In order to teach our children right from wrong we know that discipline has an important place in rearing a child. The following case studies offer alternatives for parents who would like to, or are considering dropping corporal punishment from their lives.

Time-out (For you)

You walk into your bedroom and find red nail polish splattered all over your recently purchased white cashmere sweater. Needless to say you are quite upset and can feel a rush of adrenaline through your body commanding you to act immediately. This is probably not the best time to discipline your children. Give yourself time to deal with your own anger; take deep breaths, a hot bath, dust the house. The point is to deal with your own anger first so you don’t risk taking it out on your children. Then you can begin to think about how it happened. Was it an accident, a deliberate cry for attention or are your children mad at you?

Consider the possibilities. After you are calm and have a reasonably open mind call for your children. Having taken some “time-out” to deal with your own emotions you will be better equipped to deal effectively with the situation. Your children won’t be exposed to an irrational role model and most of all you will be capable of choosing the most appropriate form of discipline or simply finding out if something is bothering them.

Time-out (For them)

Four year old Lisa proceeds to throw a temper tantrum every time you tell her "no". It doesn’t matter whether you’re at the supermarket or a friend’s house; she kicks and screams until she eventually wears you down. Four year old Lisa has learned how to push your buttons. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Children who throw temper tantrums invariably want and receive attention. Whether the parent ends up consoling or yelling, the child receives attention for her negative behavior. This in turn reinforces her belief that temper tantrums gain your attention.

Lisa’s parent might try designating a place in the house where she can express her tantrum. Every time she is getting ready to have one, tell her you recognize her right to express her emotions (to be angry) and take her out of the environment and into a “Temper tantrum zone.” Stay with her without giving her attention. Read a magazine with one eye and watch her with the other (you want to prevent or intervene if she begins to hurt herself).

Temper tantrum zones can also be found outside the home. For example, if the tantrum begins in the grocery store, ask an employee to watch your cart while you take the child outside. Again watch her and listen to her but don’t give her any direct attention. When she has calmed down is the time to give her a treat like a box of Animal Crackers. Giving them to her during the tantrum again only reinforces the negative behavior.

A method for preventing tantrums in public places before they become a problem involves the use of "tickets". Before making your next trip to the store, cut three circles or squares out of cardboard or heavy paper for each child. Decorate them with stars, sparkles and a smiling face.

Before giving the children the tickets tell them the rules you want them to follow (as simply as possible) while you are in the store. When handing over the tickets to them, let them know that every time they break a rule you’re going to take a ticket away. Tell them they must have at least one ticket left if they want to play outside when you get home. If they lose all three tickets they will stay inside. For they child who is extra good and doesn’t lose a ticket, surprise her with an ice cream cone or something you know she likes.

When you use time-out to discipline children you are taking negative attention away. That is, you are not spanking or yelling. When attention is taken away however, it needs to be replaced somewhere else. Lisa’s parents might try going out of their way to give her attention for all the good things she does; thanking her because she was quiet while you were on the telephone or telling her what a great job she did putting on her own socks and shoes. If she’s getting enough positive attention she won’t need to seek it in a negative way.

Taking Away a Privilege (vs. a Right)

The first time your six year old son Mark drew a masterpiece on the kitchen wall you thought it was so cute that you signed and dated it. After a few attempts to get him to use paper, you decide that it’s time to rid him of this bad habit.

After Mark’s parents explained to him and he understood that writing on the walls is a no-no, and he continued to do it, taking away the privilege of using crayons will help to teach him why it is wrong. Explaining to the child why the crayons are being taken away and for how long demands a lot more from the parent than a swat on the bottom. In the long run however, the child will learn that if he wants to keep his crayons the walls are not for scribbling.

It is important here to discern between a right and a privilege. Basic needs such as shelter, food, clothes and sleep are rights. It is our responsibility as parents to care for the needs of our children and not withhold the things that sustain them.

Sending Mark to bed without any dinner when he is hungry is depriving him of a basic right; the need to eat. Privileges, on the other hand are the desserts after the meal. A trip to the ice cream parlor, watching a cartoon show on television or having a set of crayons are all fun but not essential to his daily growth.

When Mark drew on the walls it would not have made sense to discipline him by not letting him play with his friends that afternoon or taking away his television privileges for a day or two.

The punishment must make sense if the child is to learn from it. Taking away Mark’s crayons for doodling on the walls will cause him to think about how he must act if he wants to use his crayons. An important point to remember when using this method of discipline is that young children generally have very short memories. When a privilege is taken away from them for two or three days they may forget about the punishment the second day. It’s the parents job to remind the child (as many times as necessary) why he has lost the privilege and for how long. With young children three days is a fairly long time and should be used as a guideline.

Not giving in on the second day of a three day punishment is the key to using this method successfully. It’s imperative to let them know that the terms of the punishment stand (no matter how hard they try to talk you out of it) while continuously showing your love for them.

Additional Chores

Seven year old Jimmy has broken several items around the house probably due to a combination of carelessness, inattentiveness and roughhousing. This time he has broken a favorite vase of yours. After you have dealt with your anger and let him know you are upset at what he did, to discipline him by having him help with the vacuuming and dusting might not help you, but it might change his behavior. Jimmy’s carelessness could be a sign that he doesn’t feel important to the household or family. It could be this child’s way of communicating that he needs more attention.

As with taking away privileges this method is demanding on both the parent and child. It requires reminding the child how long, why and what the punishment is. It also requires the parent to let the child do these extra chores which may or may not be helpful.

In this case to discipline by adding chores is a double edged sword. On one hand tour teaching Jimmy through discipline that breaking things is not appropriate behavior and on the other hand you’re making him feel more a part of the household by giving him more to do. In addition, if the chores you add involve parent - child interaction, like helping with dinner or folding laundry, you’re also spending more time with him and giving him the attention he was asking for.

Energy Releasing Activity

You’ve noticed that after dinner your children begin yelling, fighting and eventually saying no to bedtime. They may have left over energy which they need to release.

Sometimes children get so wound up from either too much or too little activity that an 8:00 p.m. bedtime seems impossible. Pent up energy can cause the normally obedient child to find trouble.

In this case the parent might try having the children run laps in the backyard, do jumping jacks or other calisthenics, dance fast to music or perform any other non-destructive but physically demanding activity. The key to this method is to divert the children immediately from the negative behavior while giving them a positive way to release their energy.

Reasoning

Nine year old Bob ate an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies after you had told him he could only have a couple. Now Bob has a stomachache.

Sometimes with an older child the most appropriate way to discipline is simply to talk it out. If your child is punishing himself for his wrongdoing, all you may need to do is calmly discuss the situation. Bob’s stomachache is probably enough punishment for disobeying you. By reasoning with him you explain the cause and effect relationship between his disobeying you and why he’s not feeling good.

With these methods and all methods of discipline discussed above, talking with your child about the wrongdoing and the discipline will help you both assess what the child has learned from it.

All the corporal free methods of discipline discussed share the same guidelines in working effectively. First the discipline (if there is one) should be decided on and then begun immediately. That is, telling a child “If you do that one more time...” only invites her to do it again.

Second, following through with discipline not only shows a child that you are serious about changing her behavior but also causes the child to think and learn from it. No child will take discipline seriously if she knows she can usually talk the parent out of it.

Consistency is the third guideline. This entails using similar discipline for similar transgressions. This will actually make decisions about discipline easier for the parent since future punishment is based on past discipline. It will also give the child a clearer understanding of what behaviors are expected out of him.

The final guideline is having the punishment make sense. As discussed earlier, the punishment should be designed so the child learns from it.

To discipline without hitting is easier for both parent and child if corporal punishment was never used at all. However it is possible to effectively discipline without hitting even if corporal punishment was the only method used previously.

By persevering in your discipline and using a combination of the alternative suggested in this article parents can become better role models for their children by teaching them how to handle their own anger. The transition from corporal to corporal free discipline may take time and patience, but will, in the long run, make better communicators out of the entire family.

**Note from Deb:  "While I agree with most of the suggestions in this article, I do not agree with the suggestions to use punishment.  The Positive Parenting model is to use guidance & consequences and it is not a punitive system.  However, I find the philosophical benefits of this article to be so great, that I include it here with a disclaimer that I don't agree with ALL the suggestions contained herein". **

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