By Deborah Godfrey

When two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specifics of how they plan to raise these children. When spouses disagree about parenting, most people have a “de facto” attitude. One that says, “My parents raised me x, y or z way and I turned out just fine and I’ll raise my kids that same way”.  While the wonderful person they married has the same idea and attitude, but that parent was raised with a, b and c parenting.

So the real problems begin when these two parents have a two-year old and their parenting styles begin to clash. When these spouses disagree about parenting issues, what usually happens is that one parent tends to be more strict and the other parent tends to be more lenient. The strict parent gets angry when the lenient parent allows too much leeway.  The lenient parent gets upset when the strict parent is too restrictive.  So the strict parent gets stricter and the lenient parents gets more permissive.

Now the parents are battling all the time over how to discipline.

The children have a field day of misbehavior in this dynamic, learning to play one parent against the other and running amuck. The relationship between the parents is most important. That is, how the two parents work together to raise the children, needs to be higher priority than the parenting skills of either parent.  I cover this topic and many more in my Positive Parenting recorded online class.

What do you do when spouses disagree about parenting?

It would be great if parents could have conversations about the specific details of child-rearing, specifically how to handle discipline and behavior issues. However, most parents don’t have a context for this discussion until they are actually raising their own children.  One of the pieces of advice I would give couples contemplating children would be to have many, “What would we do in this situation?” discussions.  Observe other parents and their children. Then talk about how you would each prefer to handle the situation. This can give you a great deal of information about how your partner plans to parent your future children.  For those of us already married, we can use this idea to gain more insight about our partner.

In a situation where discussing your child becomes a battle, try looking at another parent's issue with a child. Then discuss together how that parent could do things differently and what each of you would do in the situation.  It is easier to know what someone else should do, so make sure to bring the discussion back to yourselves. See how you can apply that advice in the challenges you are facing with your children.

For example, I had been having a difficult time know where to set boundaries with my 17 year old daughter.

I wasn’t certain about how much involvement my husband, her step-dad, wanted or needed to have in the often heated discussions she and I had been having. A friend of ours was having similar, yet even more extreme issues with his son. His wife, the step-mom, and my husband parent similarly. I asked my husband what he thought the step-mom’s role was, how much involvement she should have in the situation, and what she should do.  His answers were very interesting and not what I had expected. This guided my decision about how much I could and should involve my husband in the issues between my daughter and I.

There is one main action that can bring the two of you back on track

A couple identifies that they are undermining each other’s parenting, and are willing to work on it. There is one main action that can bring the two of you back on track.  If you have created the dynamic where one of you has become the strict one and the other the more lenient one, you may hate this advice, but it works.  In fact, it’s the only way it can work to bring the two of you back on the same parenting team. Here it is:  The strict parent gets to be the parenting leader.  The lenient parent has to follow the lead of the strict parent in discipline situations**.  You cannot do it in the reverse!  If you follow this advice, what will happen is that the two of you will begin to move closer together.

When the strict parent is supported, then he or she can stop over-compensating for the leniency of the other.

The strict parent becomes more flexible and generous in parenting.  Usually the lenient parent sees that the children are not suffering, and in fact are benefitting from the more firm rules and structure of the strict parent. The lenient parent can learn to be more firm in his or her parenting and come closer to being on the team with the strict parent.  Now the two of you both become kind and firm parents and each support each other. You can feel confident the other is disciplining the children with the best of intentions, actions and results. You can have beneficial discussions on what to do with the children. Each of you can feel that you have someone on your side when the parenting gets tough. Doesn’t that sound much better?

The parent's relationship is setting the example for how the entire family should be

The children of a couple with a loving supportive relationship, and that back each other up as parents, but have marginal parenting skills will be better off than a couple that is at war but knows all the latest and greatest parenting tools and skills.  The parent's relationship is setting the example for how the entire family should be. As the role model and leader, it has more influence that just about any other dynamic in the family. So, if your relationship has taken a back seat to the kids, maybe it’s time to schedule that date night again. Spend more time at the beginning and end of each day connecting as a couple, and if necessary, get into some couples counseling.  Those things can benefit your children much more than reading a parenting book or taking a parenting class.  And do read the book and take the class --after you have re-committed to keeping your relationship on track!

**If the strict parent is abusive, please seek the help of a hotline, counselor or therapist, do not follow this advice**

Deborah has been teaching parenting classes and workshops for 30+ years. She is passionate about parenting, relationships and children.

The post When Spouses Disagree About Parenting appeared first on Positive Parenting.

For parents having to deal with their little balls of energy  at home on a daily basis, here's how to continue bonding with them while still staying safe.

Try to DIY at Home

When it comes to DIY, your options are truly endless. Artist Nelson Mendoza and teacher Brittany Kissinger teamed up to create sidewalk obstacles using chalk, which you can also do in your backyard. If you don't have a backyard, you can make your own obstacle course at home using boxes, pillows, and rugs. Of course, obstacle courses aren't the only things you can DIY. Whether it's sock puppets or pillow forts, cultivating a DIY mindset shows your kids that you don't need lots of resources to have a fun time. For parents with toddlers, you can fill up some clear boxes with fun things like pillows, yarn, and water to have them go on a little sensory trek of their own.

Go out for a (safe) walk

This tip is causing quite a bit of confusion for many, who are unsure about taking their kids for a walk. However, WKYC reports that a quick walk can do your kids a world of good provided you stay safe. Children can get very restless at home, but don’t underestimate the power that even a 10-minute walk can do. To help ensure your children’s safety, the tandem pushchairs on iCandy are easily maneuverable and about the same width as a single stroller. A great stroller also keeps your kids comfortable while keeping them out of harm's way. This means you can focus on helping them take in their surroundings, getting some much needed vitamin D and conversation during your stroll. A quick stroll with your kids gives you a bit of a breather too, and you can use this time to teach your kids about the neighborhood you live in.

Remember to take things slow

While it's important to stimulate your children at home, make sure you're also carving out time for your family. Time to take a breather and do some calming activities that will allow them to process their feelings. Our previous article on processing ‘Children's Feelings’ outlines how important it is to really listen and empathize with your child. Just because they can't articulate their feelings doesn't mean they're not there. Even something as simple as asking your kids how their day went before going to bed can really give you insight into how they're coping. You can also intersperse some calming activities into your routine, with Good Housekeeping noting the rise of toddler yoga classes as a way to calm kids down.

Parenting is never an easy task, but parenting at home in the middle of a global health crisis is a challenge.  No doubt that's catching many of us off guard. As always, it's helpful to know some concrete steps you can take to make your parenting journey fun despite all the chaos.

The post Creating Meaningful Bonds With Your Little Ones While at Home appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Where do I start?

Can you help me fix something for under $10?

Try one of my mini-workshops to get started! Positive Parenting is a lifestyle. These are recordings of live workshops along with handouts designed to tackle specific issues and give you real-world examples of Positive Parenting. After listening to one of these classes, and practicing the ideas, you will be amazed how little changes make such a HUGE difference in your children.

A great introduction to Positive Parenting, my teaching style and the benefits of healthy communication with your child.

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A little over a year ago, Mind Valley flew me, Debbie Godfrey from Positive Parenting, to Santa Monica to shoot an episode for their Online Parenting channel called Little Humans. Well, the final production is finally here.  I'm so excited, I watched it for the first time yesterday. I laughed out loud several times while I was watching, we had so much fun during filming talking about power struggles! Very impressed, they did a fantastic job of editing and allowing all the things I taught to flow together with great clarity, as is their specialty.  Power Struggles is one topic I cover in my recorded online parenting program.

Dealing with Power Struggles

My segment, on Dealing with Power Struggles, is on the first episode of this positive parenting online program was in the first episode that aired on March 3, 2020. Unfortunately, you can no longer view my episode for free.  Please still opt-in to watch all the remaining episodes as they are released (one per day until March 12). Each episode will be free for 24 hours. If you missed any episodes (like mine!), the entire series will be available for purchase at an 88% discount during the initial viewing.  You can own unlimited and unrestricted viewing the series, plus many enhancements (I will be providing a bonus session in April for premium members).. And yes, I have an affiliate link, so I will gratefully and happily receive a portion of the cost you pay (should you decide to) for the series. But the link above is for the free 24 hour viewing, so don't hesitate to sign up today. I'm so excited to share my work with you. And you will love the information the other 15 experts as well.

What does it really take to be a ‘good parent’ in the modern world?

When we start having children, we think it’s supposed to come naturally to us. But it never does.

We try our best to raise our children to the best that we know — but we’re just not sure if we are doing it right or not.

We start asking ourselves questions like:

• How do I give my child the best possible future without projecting my past dreams onto them?

• Can I become an effective parent while juggling a busy career?

• In what way do I discipline my child without suffocating them?

You are not alone. 

Because so many parents around the world wanted answers, Mindvalley launched their first ever video series on transformational parenting called Little Humans.

This video series takes you on a journey into today’s most important parenting wisdom. You’ll get tools and practices you can instantly use to nurture happier, healthier, and more confident children at any age.

And the best part is, you are invited to watch them all for FREE >>

“Yes! I want to nurture happier and healthier children”

Being a good parent doesn’t have to be hard. Or a mystery.

All you need is guidance.

And this video series is all about empowering you to do just that.

Accept your free spot here >>

Hugs,

Debbie

The post Positive Parenting Online Launch appeared first on Positive Parenting.

by Deborah Godfrey

When it comes to schoolwork and Positive Parenting homework tips, I am passionate about teaching kids responsibility and ownership. Much of this happens in the second session of my online recorded positive parenting class.  The report card exercise I teach illuminates motivation.  One problem that often occurs is that the parent can be more "invested" than the children in schoolwork, homework and grades.  When this happens, the kids don't have to care because the parents do all the work.  There are homework tips, from kindergarten on... many ways to instill this responsibility and ownership.  Yes, we need to be involved and helpful. But the way we are involved matters very much in whether the child takes responsibility or not.  My favorite story of success in this area was with my daughter Michelle.

Positive Parenting Homework Tips in Action

About a week before parent conferences, Michelle, then 9 years old, was saying that she didn’t want me to go to her conference. She would get really upset and say, "You can’t go! You’re not going!" I was stumped. I kept asking her why she didn’t want me to go and wondering what she had done that she didn’t want me to find out about! A couple of days before the conference, we were having our nightly bedtime chat. She suddenly said, "That’s not fair, you get to see my report card before I do!"

I was speechless.

I thought for a moment and realized that I have always taught my kids that their schoolwork is theirs. So this was HER effort, HER work, HER job and by gosh, HER grades! I said, "Michelle, you are absolutely RIGHT! I never thought about it before, but those are YOUR grades and I have no right to see them before you do! I’ll make sure your teacher lets you see them before me at conference, OK?" She nodded and triumphantly went to sleep. I didn’t get another complaint from her and she got to review her report card (with some hesitance from the teacher!) before I did. So here are some additional ideas for teaching your child ownership of his/her homework:

Positive Parenting Homework Tips

• Watch use of pronouns. Notice when you say, "We need to work on our homework." Be accurate and replace it with, "You need to work on your homework, would you like me to help you?"
• When you offer to help, become clear about your role. Providing support means asking my child to read me the directions (or read the directions to her) until she figures out what she needs to do.
• Questions encourage your child to think, "What do you think that means?", "How could you make that happen?" or "What do you need to do?”
• Ask their opinion first. When your child brings you a graded paper, find out her feelings about it first. Look for signs of excitement or discouragement and make a comment, "You look proud" or "You look bummed".

As the school year starts, it's always a great time to start fresh, try something new and get on a better track.  I have a recording of a live workshop available called, "Taking the hassles Out Of Homework".  In this 83 minute workshop recording, you will learn the following:

Track One (8 minutes)

• 11 Keys for Successful Homework
• Why would a child have 5 hours of homework a night?  What can you do about it?
• Your experience of homework and how that relates to your kids
• At 6 minutes there is a 2 minutes visualization.  I suggest you listen to this portion of the MP3 when you are in a quiet place so that you can fully experience the exercise.

Track Two (54 minutes)

• Participants share their experience
• Suggestions on how to use your experience for the benefit of your children
• What are the key factors for success during the elementary years?  During the middle school years?  In High School?
• What can you do to create a hunger to learn in your children?
• How can you help a failing child?
• A mom in the workshop shares an example of the success of these ideas.
• What statements do you make that can accidentally hurt your child regarding their schoolwork?
• Statements that can fix that and help motivate them in a way that works.
• How to manage the pressure on children?
• Key questions to ask your children to make them successful at their schoolwork?
• The type of environment is best for creating a homework routine?
• What are the questions you need to ask to make your children have the best learning environment for the learning style?
• Questions you need to ask to really help them?
• When should you seek outside help?
• What was the best parenting advice an educational consultant gave me regarding my child’s sleep and schoolwork?
• How do you balance helping vs. enabling them to be irresponsible?  What criteria can you use to determine when to let go and when to get involved?  It’s EASY!
• A fun idea if your kids get all stressed out.
• Help your child figure out how they can be successful.

Track Three (22  minutes)

• Setting limits on your availability to teach them responsibility.
• What is my job and what is the teacher’s job regarding homework?  You will be surprised at how easy your job as the parent is to be the most helpful to your child.
• Learn ideas to not do too much for your kids.
• Ideas to help get kids through the homework when they get overwhelmed.
• Learn several ways to understand what your children are trying to communicate when they are whining, giving up or fighting you about their homework.
• How do your children’s roles in the family affect their success on school?

Don't wait!  Start the school year out with a new perspective, fresh ideas, and lots of tools to instill responsibility in your child's schoolwork and homework.  Purchase this workshop on MP3 now, and listen live to parents learning these tips and ideas.

Happy Parenting!

The post Positive Parenting Homework Tips appeared first on Positive Parenting.

by Kathryn Kvols and Helen Hall, RN, MSN, CFNP

"Zachary, time for bed." Struggling, "NO!"

How can a parent deal with bedtime without struggling?

"NO!" Two year old Zachary responds, running toward the playroom. Mother follows close behind, pleading, "It's time for bed, honey. C'mon, now."

"No, Mommy, no!" squeals Zachary as Mother swoops down to pick him up. Zachary's body stiffens, his back arches, and he begins kicking his feet in order to free himself of her tightening grip. Wildly, Zachary kicks his Mother as he struggles to get loose.

"Stop it! You're going to bed, NOW!"

She is not to be outdone by her child's resistant behavior. Zachary begins to cry loudly as Mother, somewhat beaten and greatly exasperated, pulls off his clothes for his impending bath. This emotional and physical power struggle continues. Through Zachary's bath, pajamas, tooth brushing, which abruptly ends with a token kiss. Bedtime without struggling seems an impossible goal.

Exhausted and frustrated, Mother proceeds down the stairs hopeful for some solitude. Only to hear, "Mommmmy, I want a drink. Me go potty!" Feeling guilty and yet, still angry, Mother hurriedly responds. With the requested water and a brisk trip to the bathroom. Setting him on the bed says evenly, "Don't let me hear another word. Good night!" Mother stomps down the stairs after slamming his door. Zachary is left huddled on his bed, crying into his pillow.  She feels guilty and frustrated in front of the television.

But through the eyes of the child - Bedtime without Struggling

Now, look at this same scene through the eyes of the child - in this case Zachary. We parents get accustomed to looking at this scene through our "adult eyes" and miss the opportunity to understand from our child's perspective.

Imagine that you are in the middle of a good book and your spouse says, "It's time for bed." In spite of your response, "No, I'm not ready just yet," you are helped unwillingly up the stairs, your clothes are removed and you are forced into taking a bath. Consider how you are feeling. Are you feeling disrespected, violated, angry, devalued or controlled? Maybe you are thinking, "Yes, but a two-year-old doesn't feel this way - it's not the same, he's not an adult, besides, I'm the parent."

True, the child is not yet an adult.

However he IS a person, has feelings and is at an important growth stage. Wanting independence and he is experimenting with how to have his choices be known and honored. This is the beginning of his being an individual - he is establishing his separateness from his parents and is exploring his competence and capabilities.

Many times going to bed is not the issue, he may be tired and ready. Yet the command of telling him what to do  brings up a feeling of being controlled. Isn't it true that this is often our reaction as adults when someone gives us a "command" in the same way? The issue becomes one of wanting control over ourselves and what happens to us. In this scene with Zachary and Mother, Zachary does not feel understood and it causes the struggle to escalate. Also, as Mother continues to overpower Zachary, he feels unloved and rejected and Mother is left feeling pretty much the same way.

Bedtime can be a special time

Between children and parents it is natural for us to desire closeness or connectedness before going to sleep. Often times, however, parents have over-burdened themselves during the day. So they are eager to get the child in bed as soon as possible so they can have some quiet time for themselves. This can cause the child to feel that his parents are trying to "get rid of him." In our bedtime struggle story, Zachary's desire for more closeness is expressed through wanting a drink and "going potty". This results in more tension between he and his mom and both feeling hurt and rejected.

So, consider these questions: What did Zachary want in our story?

More importantly, what does your child want?

To:

• Declare his independence or sense of self.
• Feel close or connected with his parent.
• Have a sense of control over what happens to him.
• Be respected, seen and heard.

How can you, as a parent, give your child what he wants and needs and still have him go to bed in a timely manner, the bedtime without struggling we all wish?

• Respect your needs. Take care of yourself during the day so you are not feeling hassled and frazzled at your child's bedtime. Set your child's bedtime at an hour that allows you some solitude and/or "couple time" with your partner after your child goes to bed.

Whenever possible, have both parents be a part of the bedtime ritual. Bedtime is more fun and less of a burden when both parents participate.

• Start your bedtime ritual forty-five minutes to one hour before your child's actual bedtime hour to avoid unnecessary stress and struggle. This process should be a winding down time, in other words, eliminate activities that would excite the child such as rough-housing or tickling.

Respect his sense of time by telling him that bedtime is in 15 minutes, allowing him to complete a particular activity before his actual bedtime hour.

• Offer choices instead of orders. Your child will have a feeling of control over what happens to him when given choices. For example, you might say, "Do you want your dad to help you with your bath or me?" Or "Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" Or "Do you want to sleep with your gorilla or your kitty?"

Make a bedtime ritual with your child's help and advice.

For example, read a story, snuggle, give three stuffed animals to kiss, give a hug and two kisses and leave the room singing a song. Routine is particularly important from at least 12 months of age through age two. The routine needs to have a quality of sameness or routine -- the same order or the same song -- to provide a sense of security.

Create closeness. For example:

• Talk about "Remember When," such as "Remember when we went camping and that raccoon got into our food?" Or "I remember when you were a baby and loved to have your tummy rubbed."
• Listen to your child's feeling about the day.
• Say three things that you love about each other. Start each statement with, "What I love about you is..." and complete it with a specific thing that you love. For instance, "What I love about you is the way you helped put your books away today," or "What I love about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits."
• Ask the following questions that allow your child to share more about himself:
• "What was the best thing that happened to you today?"
• "The worst thing that happened to you today?"
• "What was the silliest thing that happened to you today?"
• Some children may talk more freely with the lights out. Try to discover what is most encouraging to your child in enhancing your communication together.

After you have completed your bedtime routine, leave your child's room.

Explain to to your child ONCE when you start this new routine, "If you come out of the room for any reason other than emergency, I will lovingly guide or carry you back to your room." "I will not talk to you after saying goodnight and closing the bedroom door."

In order to have bedtime without struggling, it is essential that you do not talk to your child after the bedtime routine is complete.

Your child pays more attention to your actions than your words. Further, if you continue to talk to your child, you are more likely to get into a verbal power struggle about going to bed. If you discover yourself saying, "Didn't you hear what I said? I told you to go to bed and I wasn't going to talk anymore!" Stop talking and take loving action by guiding your child back to bed. You may have to guide your child back to his room several times. Particularly at the beginning because children will test their parents. However, as the week progresses, bedtime will become more pleasant for both you and your child.

You can make bedtime a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication and fun.

Involve your children in the decision-making process. Spend this special time with them and they feel valued and respected. By setting limits, you gain the respect of your children and build their self-esteem.

Helen Hall is a pediatric Nurse Practitioner for the FM 1960 Pediatric Center and Learning/Development Center, both in Houston, Texas. She also teaches parenting educators through the International Network for Children and Families.

Kathryn Kvols is the president of the International Network for Children and Families and the author of “Redirecting Children’s Behavior”.  She is also a national speaker and workshop leader.

To learn more about your child's behavior, please visit our Online recorded Positive Parenting Class.

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Success Story with a Toddler

A mom contacted me last week for help, she really needed a success story with a toddler:

"Hi! I have a 3.5 year old that is very challenging. He makes everything complicated from getting in the car to walking in the parking lot. Time out doesn't work with him. He refuses. I've taken away toys but that doesn't seem to work either. He gets upset in the moment of me taking it away but goes right back to doing whatever he's not supposed to be doing. He recently started spitting when he doesn't get his way or scream very loud and out of control when someone tries to correct him or tell him not to do something. I don't know what else to do."

Me: Sounds so frustrating! I can definitely help you with those sorts of issues. My Recorded online parenting class is the best way to go. You will be mailed a book, workbook and Dial-A-Discipline. You listen to the recorded lessons and learn specific suggestions. Would you like me to put you on my email list and send you more information?

Mom:  Yes that would be great. I don’t know if I can afford that program right now but I did purchase your power struggle program and watched it today.

Me: Great! Let me know how it goes!

ONE WEEK LATER

Me: How are things going with your son? Do you have any questions? - Debbie

Mom: "Thanks for checking. I have been using some of the power struggle techniques and that has definitely made a difference. I will continue to use what I have learned from your videos. Being able to watch and see examples helped me tremendously... I’ve read a few parenting books but they did nothing like your power struggle video."

Yay! Great Success Story!  You can have these tools too!

Please share this success story with any parents that may need help with their kids. Thank you!

The post Success Story with a Toddler appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Donna and Jim, Ventura

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By Deborah Godfrey

“HOORAY!  I’m in a power struggle with my child!” 

From which planet is the parent who said that!  Seriously, consider the impact on our attitude towards parenting if we celebrated each time we entered a power struggle with our child.  Think of what a difference it would make.  In reality, this is nearly impossible, unless we have the understanding about the developmental importance of a power struggle (for both the parent and the child) and the tools redirect the associated misbehavior. A feeling of power is important to us all as a basic emotional need.  When this need develops, how it develops and what a child learns regarding his power in the world is directly or indirectly taught by the parent.  Yes, I am the one who taught my child to oppose me in this way!

During the first two years of life, the child learns to oppose the parent. By age three, the child usually has the skill developed to such an extent that a parent can feel overwhelmed, overpowered, overrun and quite angry and determined to get this child to behave better.  Unfortunately, most well intentioned attempts by parents to over power children that are being defiant fail, causing the parent to feel guilty, inept and incompetent.  The child typically feels angry, more defiant and continues to misbehave.

Why Do Children Power Struggle?

A sense of power is a basic social and emotional need.  Until about the age of two, a child has very little sense of self. The child and parent are “one” in the child’s world.  Somewhere in the second year, the child begins to develop a concept of self as separate from the parent.  This discovery coincides with the recognition that behavior by the child can create a resultant emotion or behavior by the parent!  So a child is learning by observation what causes mom or dad to react, and this reaction creates a sense of power in the child (as the one who causes the reaction).

What Did I Do To Cause My Child to Power Struggle With Me?!

As crazy as it sounds, we do in fact accidentally “cause” our children to power struggle with us!  Some of you may object to this idea and for that I just ask you to stay with me a moment.  By taking responsibility for causation, you will actually get your parental power back.  If you caused it, then you can un-cause it.  The most powerless position you can take is to blame your child for their behavior because this leaves you in a hopeless position.  If you are power struggling with your child and you did nothing to cause it then you probably cannot change it either.  Alternatively, if you see the way in which you helped your child come to the belief that it is fun or fulfills their need to feel powerful by opposing you, you can choose to stop doing that discipline response.

So what is it that we do to cause a child to power struggle with us?  Very simply out, we escalate our emotional response.  What does this mean?  Let’s take an example of a child of about six months old.  I’ll use my daughter Michelle as an example.  She learned to crawl over to the entertainment center, pull herself up, and pop open the glass doors. The glass would become gooey with her fingerprints; she would slam them, bang on them and otherwise frustrate me completely!  So the first time I responded (this was before I had parenting classes, please keep in mind, this is not how I would respond today!) by telling her no and taking her away from the cabinet. The next time she did it, I told her no in a louder voice and with more frustration and aggravation, and the third time and the fourth, each time I became louder and more upset, until I began to slap her hands, give her “that look” and otherwise frantically attempt to control her overt defiance of me.  She only became more defiant and was having more fun watching the show that mom was putting on for her.  If I remember correctly, the doors eventually lost their ability to “pop” open, remained covered with fingerprints and she eventually outgrew or became bored with her behavior.  I don’t recall ever succeeding in teaching her to leave them alone.  I do think that she learned how fun it was to defy me, and was very interested in finding endless other ways in which to see mom lose control.  I do not think she consciously said, “I’m out to get mom”, but she learned unconsciously that by defying me, she would feel very powerful.

Please Tell Me! How Can I Un-Cause This Pattern?

So glad you asked!  It’s really very simple.  Every time your child misbehaves in a specific way, you need to decide how to respond, and use that exact same response every single time your child misbehaves in that same way.  In the example above, I would look at my child and decide to myself, “Hmmm…what is the best response for this age, stage, and behavior?  At six months old, she is really too young for lectures or explanations.  The best discipline for little ones is distraction or repetition.  So what I will do is pick her up gently, and murmur, “Michelle will learn to stay away from the glass if she wants to play in the living room” while walking her calmly out of the room”. I have to respond that way every single time she goes to the glass.  I cannot raise my voice, say it louder, hold her firmer, or in any way escalate my emotional response, or I lose my parental power.  I must respond like a broken record over and over again.  At six months old, I may need to repeat 20, 30, 50 times before she learns, but she eventually will learn.  The best thing about this response is that she won’t learn to have the power to “cause” me to lose control (where she thinks she won).  You may think I am not sane, however this is true and this works.  You can begin this idea at any age and stage to get your power (I.e. influence) back as the parent.  Once you have learned how to stop causing the connection between their misbehavior making them feel powerful, then you can be much more successful in redirecting power struggles.

Deborah has been teaching parents how to understand and redirect power struggles for over 20 years.  This article was developed as a result of listening to hundreds of parents with their children and developing the best possible way to understand and redirect power struggles.

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