These parenting styles reflect thousands of years of training in autocratic societies. Redirecting is a Parent's Alternative.

We adopt a parenting style similar to our parents, or exactly the opposite in defiance of their ways. This passes from generation to generation since culture began. Democracy is relatively new to the world and therefore the parenting style appropriate to raising children in preparation for living this way, fairly new as well. The parenting style most effective for preparing children to live in a democratic society is called Redirection.

The following are some personal examples of how Redirecting works as a parent's alternative to punishment, permissiveness and rewards.

My 5 & 6 year old were running around the house, yelling, screaming, fighting etc.

I was going nuts trying to get dinner ready. I yelled at them to knock it off (the beginning of punishment). When that didn’t work, I was tempted to really let them have it (punishment). Instead I decided to Redirect.

I took a moment, got down on their level and said, "What can you do to make yourselves useful so I could finish making dinner?" They decided to sweep the floor together. They immediately settled down and got to work. I was amazed when they also decided to mop, and then wiped the windowsills clean. The bedlam ended and we all felt valuable, capable and proud of our contributions.

My 10 year old had a problem when friends came over

Her room would become a disaster area which she could not ever seem to clean up. Instead of letting her get away with irresponsibility (permissiveness), then having a week-long battle, I decided to Redirect. So we discussed this and came up with a mutually agreeable solution. Every 1/2 hour I would announce "Room check in 5 minutes!" and she and her friend would need to straighten everything except what they were playing with. The result was a clean room and a child who learned she needed to be responsible to get what she wanted.

My 5 year old son showed me an empty plastic cup after school.

He said he had gotten some m&m’s for counting his numbers well (reward). So I said, "Great job, Michael!" He said, "Yeah, but it isn’t even related!" However, he intuitively knew that the reward was not related to his accomplishment. I told this story to one of my parenting classes and a teacher offered, "If the teacher had counted out the m&m’s, then it would have been related!"

To learn more about this and other important positive parenting tools according to your child's age, fill out this form and I will send you the specific common, normal, annoying behaviors for their age and stage.

The post Redirecting – A Parent’s Alternative appeared first on Positive Parenting.

The pandemic has drastically altered my life, how about you?  I am readjusting to a new routine and I'm offering you free daily Zoom parenting webinars (this link is to the Facebook page) during Safe at Home Quarantine. I am happy to contribute and do my part to help all you parents (and grandparents) survive parenting on quarantine.

Time for ALL free Zoom Positive Parenting Meetings:

11 AM Pacific Time.  Noon Mountain Time.  1 PM Central Time.  2 PM Eastern Time

Get your Zoom link to join us here.

Schedule this week:

Monday - Learn how to teach self-calming to your children. You will also learn the tool of using I-messages so your child hears you when you make a request.

Tuesday - Natural Consequences

Wednesday - Logical Consequences part 1

Thursday - Logical Consequences part 2

Friday - Family Team Building

Until July 10 - Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB).

During these 6 weeks I will teach the entire curriculum live on zoom. 

Each day will be one half hour lesson. 

There is no fee to attend the live sessions. 

I will be using the RCB book and workbook.

The recordings will be posted to my Positive Parenting Online Recorded Class which you can purchase for a special pandemic price of $99 plus mailing charge. 

This will give you:

• book, workbook and Dial-A-Discipline
• access to ALL daily recordings during the class plus including ALL past zoom meetings 
• 3 live 60 minute group Q&A calls:  Friday, June 12 at 9am EST, Friday, June 26 at 9pm EST and Sunday, July 5 at Noon EST.
• Discounted private coaching ($100/hr).

Beginning July 10, the price will resume back to the pre-pandemic price of $199 for lifetime access. 

So please be sure to take advantage of the 50% off offer today.

I am surviving parenting on quarantine with you.

In December, I had moved in with my daughter, Briana, and her family in Louisville, Kentucky to help.  My daughter, incapacitated with morning sickness, pregnant with her 3rd child, needs help.  As her morning sickness dissipated in mid and late January, I was again traveling and teaching.  I also taught a class in Louisville that Briana and her husband attended.  What a great class!  Then the epidemic, now pandemic hit.  I guess it is grace of God that I am quarantined with Briana's lovely family in rural Kentucky.

I am glad I am not quarantined alone in either California or New York.

Eldon and Arlo (my grandson's) had their last day of school a couple of weeks ago.  We are adjusting to "Safe at Home" quarantine, which is what our governor calls it. I'm used to having a good amount of time while they are in school to do my work. Having them home has certainly been an adjustment for me as well!  I would have loved to jump on the Zoom free conference frenzy right away.  However, my days have been spent cooking, cleaning and most importantly, entertaining my 6 and 3 year old grand kids.

When it became apparent I am here awhile, I bought a travel trailer.  I put it in the backyard so I could have my own space and retreat when I needed it.  Plus, I have always wanted to have a "glamper". Following many families that are living in and renovating their RV"s, I get so many great ideas for ways to fix up my trailer.  As it turns out, many of these families homeschool their kids.  I get so many ideas for things to do with the kids while we are at home and essentially homeschooling.  My favorite is #boredombuster.  Go follow me on Instagram as I that is where I share the #boredombusters and other fun activities that I do with Eldon and Arlo.

We've finally settled into somewhat of a routine.

At the encouragement of many friends and clients, I will begin teaching on Zoom. I am a little nervous.  Will I be able to keep a schedule in the midst of this chaos?  Do you really need help with behavior challenges with your kids while we are in this crisis?  If my experience is any indication, I would say yes.  I am still following my own parenting advice best I can.  Luckily, there are 3 adults in the house and we can take turns.  If someone is getting fed up, there is usually someone else that can step in and take over.  I am still getting edgy at times.  First, I have picked the topic I need to refresh!  Now I am offering the things that my audience most needs to learn.

The webinars will be just 30 minutes.

For my sanity and yours, I will break the topics into half hour segments.  I will teach daily, Monday through Friday, at 11am Pacific, Noon Mountain, 1pm Central, or 2pm Eastern.  The webinars are live on Zoom.  So you must attend at the meeting time.  The recordings are available for purchase for $99.This includes access to ALL the recordings since April 3, and ALL new content as it's created.  Plus you will get the book, workbook and Dial mailed to you.

Will you help spread the word and help parents all over the world?

I would really appreciate your support and encouragement to help me make these free webinars available to everyone.  There are so many parents in this world, struggling and suffering.  Which means their kids are receiving the brunt of the parents stress.  I CAN HELP MAKE THIS BETTER!  So please both attend free zoom classes and share with your social networks, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn to help spread the word.

That is all for now.  I surely hope to see you soon on one of these free zoom parenting webinars.  And please feel free to ask questions below.

Be Safe at Home and Happy Parenting!

Debbie

The post Free Zoom Parenting Webinars during Safe at Home Quarantine appeared first on Positive Parenting.

"NO! I Won’t Pick It Up!"
"NO! I Don’t Want To Eat That!"
"NO! You Can’t Make Me Do It!"
"NO, NO, NO!

What Do You Mean NO? This one word probably causes more stress and disharmony in our relationship with our children than any other word in our language. As parents, we often become distracted from the task at hand by this word. We may discipline our child for his attitude, rather than focusing on the job or task that needs to be done.

What is it about this tiny word that causes such an extreme reaction from us?

I don’t know about other parents--but when one of my children says "NO!” the hair on the back of my neck stands on end. And I find myself thinking "How dare you! After all I do for you, this is what you give me???"

Why Does this words push our "buttons"? Think back to when you were a child. What happened if you said no to your parents? Common responses are -- "I’d be slapped, grounded, spanked, lectured or yelled at." Some parents say, "I don’t know WHAT would have happened, I just KNEW -- not to say no." Our experience has taught us that saying no to adults is a bad thing.

Since we were not allowed to say no, directly what did we do to say it indirectly?

What did we learn? Since we parents, as children, were not allowed to say no in our homes directly, what did we do to say it indirectly? Common responses are: Lying, sneaking, plotting revenge, doing a rotten job so they wouldn’t ask you again, talking back and taking it out on someone weaker. What do you mean no was serious business.

Are children today saying "NO!" more than past generations?

Well, maybe they are! The children in school these days are learning to -- "JUST SAY NO!" Then, when the child comes home from school and just says it to us, how do we react? Probably with, "Don’t YOU EVER say NO to me!" So the child is bewildered. Then there is a conflict because young children have not developed the abstract thinking necessary to fully understand the difference.

Why do children say "NO"?

There are certain stages where saying "no" becomes an important developmental task. For example, at 2 & 3, children are individuating from their parents. They are discovering their power and the limits in their environment. Later, at school age, children are learning to be assertive, take care of themselves in social situations and are becoming increasingly influenced by peers and other relationships. Finally, teens rebel to discover their individuality and values. There are positive aspects to these developmental achievements!

How do we usually respond when children say "NO" to us? Generally we parents respond in one extreme or another. We may give in to the demand (permissiveness) out of exhaustion, frustration, or lack of a better idea. The permissive approach does not teach our child respect or responsibility. The opposite is to respond by banishing the word it completely and taking punitive measures to enforce the rule. The punitive approach may cause unwanted side effects (lying, sneaking, revenge).

One word -- so much to think about.

Let’s say you are ready to take a risk, and deal "directly" with children, by incorporating some reasonable use of the word into your home. I know it sounds strange, but my kids say "YES" more often when they know that it's OK to say "NO" sometimes. Here are some suggestions to get started:

Discuss it with your spouse.

Take time to consider the pros and cons together. Talk to each other about the goals you have for your children. Discuss how this may benefit or hinder them in your long term parenting plan. Agree about what you really want your children to learn about saying no, for their future. Then choose the best plan for teaching them over the years. Decide to support each other and present a united front.

Model saying NO respectfully.

If we want to teach our children to say no in a respectful way, we need to model it for them. So when you say it to your child, say it in the same tone of voice that will be acceptable to you in the future. If we scream "NO!" at them, they are likely to respond in kind. One thing I do is say, "NO, I’m not willing to do that, but I would be willing to do this instead." Now I find my children will say this to me occasionally. "No, I’m not willing to wash the dishes, but I’ll rinse them off and put them away instead." I find this much easier to hear, and I even admire my child’s creative thinking, as opposed to a flat unwillingness to cooperate.

Request a respectful NO and acknowledge them.

When a child says no in a snotty voice, you can say, "I respect your right to say no to me and I want you to say it respectfully, like this, No." Request them to repeat it back to you respectfully. Immediately go back to the issue at hand, usually a task that needs to be done. "The dog still needs to be fed, what will you do?" Not getting caught in the battle over the word no can avoid 80% of the power struggles that occur with children.  Also read this article.

NO.

It is amazing how much power this little word has. Perhaps we can create better relationships with our children and give them skills that will be valuable to them as adults. If we can face and conquer this uncomfortable issue directly, we may avoid many of the problems that occur in disciplining our children.

The post What Do You Mean NO? appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Help with Setting Limits on Screen Time

Who needs help with setting limits on screen time? Nothing is worse than asking your child to come to dinner and being ignored. Why? Because he’s on the phone/iPad/computer.  The child has what my dad called in the 60’s, “The glassy-eyed stupor”. It has existed since TV, became worse with the advent of video games like Atari and Play-Station, and is completely out of control today.  Children are on screens way too many hours a day, 7-10 depending on the age of the child/teen and the study sampled.  When kids get involved with games such as Fortnite, Halo and the like, that number can soar.  Whether that number is 7 hours or 17, this is a horrifying number, in my opinion. TV, internet and some apps can be educational; Duolingo, DragonBox, Quick Maths, YouTube Kids, and  Science360. What is your child's favorite? Unfortunately, most of what the children watch when left to their judgment is certainly not educational.

During the 20+ years I was raising my kids, and parents that take my class know, I didn't have television. That is, I had no cable with stations and such. I did have a TV hooked to a VCR and we had a library of videos and rented movies all the time.  Setting limits on screen time was so easy back then.

We also played many board games as an alternative to screen time. 

At one point, we bought a PlayStation and began to accumulate a wide variety of games that play on the computer, some educational, some not. I had many of the same fights over these forms of media that families today have with setting limits on screen time. Over the years I have come up with some strategies for handling the fighting and excessive use of screen time in it's various forms.  Setting limits on video games became a struggle that I took seriously and had many successes and challenges.

Today, the number one challenge that comes up for the parents taking my parenting class is power struggles and setting limits with screen time!

There is an exception... I teach classes for parents at Waldorf Schools, and the parents and teachers, as a policy, discourage any screen time.  (In these classes, the issue still comes up, but with less distress and much less frequently than other classes.) I recently found a simple tool to determine if your child is addicted to screens.

The problem is that kids ignore parents when they are using their phones, iPads or playing an online game.

They forget to eat, go to the bathroom, clean up after themselves, do their chores and play. Parents nag, kids ignore, and the battle rages everyday in this manner.

The key to taking back control of gaming in your home is to make agreements ahead of time before the screen ever goes on.

There should be a clear agreement that spells out the limits and rules about the use of the game. When a new "Spiro" game came out on PlayStation, my kids would fight for days (if no agreements were made) over who would to play. The rule is that they must make a schedule before they turn it on. They have to agree who plays, for how long and even write down exactly what time each will play. They all have to sign it, as if it's a contract. Here's what it might look like:

Who gets to be on Play Station:
Michelle 3:30-4:00
Briana 4:00-4:30
Michael 4:30-5:00

X_______________X______________X_______________

The first agreement is that they must do this before they turn on the screen.

The second agreement is that they make a detailed schedule of who is on and when. The agreement must be hung up on the refrigerator. That way, if I think one kid is over the limit, or if there is a fight over whose turn it is, I can simply refer to the schedule. If they do not adhere to their agreement, than the game is off for the day. I found this routine to be a great way to keep myself out of the battles and for the kids to work out their issues with each other.  Contracts are perhaps the best tool for. setting limits on screen time.

With television, you can set limits in a similar manner. Sit down with the family on Sunday. Make a chart with the programs that each child wants to watch during the week. Make sure to have the TV off at all other times. One mom I know also includes a "NO TV" night every week.

It is also helpful to make an agreement about what needs to happen before turning on the TV or video game.

For example, my son likes to get up early and play. The agreement is that he has to be fully ready for school before he turns on the computer. It is spelled out in the agreement that he needs to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth and make his lunch. After just a few weeks of following through with the consequences, he learned to get everything finished before turning on the games.

The most important factor for the agreement to work is consistent follow through. Make sure that you stay involved with the kids, both in the agreement-making phase and while they are playing. Make sure that they adhere to the schedule. Follow through with the consequences with a kind and firm attitude. "It's a bummer that you need to turn the Screen off for the rest of the day". Don't give in to their pleading or promises.

Giving in is what undermines our parental authority and parental control.

The children come to believe that if they make promises to behave better, then we will give in. They typically forget in a rather short period of time and we become exhausted and angry that they are not keeping their end of the bargain. However, if we have agreed that the screen will go off if the agreement is not kept, and then we give in to a "bargain" we are showing our children that bargains do not necessarily have to be kept. This is why the battle goes on and on.

During the training period of implementing a new agreement (usually 2-4 weeks) it is very important to maintain complete consistency and follow-through. Being flexible should not be an option during the training phase of the agreement. Flexibility is crucial in parenting, and there is a time and place for it. The time for flexibility is not while helping children learn a new routine. Once a new routine is established, then you can become more flexible if you think that is appropriate. My experience has led me to believe that too much flexibility with routines leads to misbehaving kids. It's better to maintain consistency with agreements and be flexible with issues that come up "in the moment".

With some work and effort initially, making agreements with the kids and creating a plan for follow-through, you can avoid so many of the headaches you face on a daily basis, fighting over the excessive screen time.

Start today, make a family routine that brings order and sanity to your home!

The post Setting Limits on Screen Time appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Nothing is more frustrating to a parent than a child's messy room.  Teaching kids to clean their room is such an important tool for navigating our relationship with our child.  I see the process of helping a child learn to manage their room as a life skill that will be with them into adulthood.

Before you begin to discipline your child, it would be helpful to consider the following:

• Who needs this room clean now?  Usually, it's the parent and not the child, so realizing the parent has a high level of motivation and energy toward getting the room clean, and the child may not have any interest at all in getting the room clean.  Being clear and understanding your child's perspective can drive the communication more effectively.
• Are your expectations age appropriate? Because little children love to help, we often expect them to be able to keep their room clean.  But really, it's a big responsibility and a big chore, and it takes time for them to learn.
• Is there a consistent expectation for your child?  So often, we do not consistently implement a message about the room.  Kids work best with clear directions, personal attention and a consistent message from us as to what we want them to do.  Along with this is appreciation for the contribution their helpfulness makes to you and the family environment.

So now that you have thought more about it...let's jump in with some hands-on advice.  In this article, and in more detail on the accompanying MP3, you will learn 6 specific ways you can help your child learn responsibility for cleaning their room.

1. Look at the messy room as an opportunity to parent each of your kids more effectively

2. Give only 1 small task or chore (responsibility) to a toddler

3. Be willing to help as is age appropriate - giving more responsibility as they get older

4. Break the task into smaller steps..."Pick up everything that is red first" or "pick up all the toys first"

5. Have a Saturday "Room Cleaning" day for the messy room

6. Create an agreement to provide a "Room Check" with your older child.

I have recorded a 3.5 minute Parenting Pep Talk with more details about each of these 6 tips for Getting Their Messy Room Clean.

If you would like to learn how to deal with power struggles, take my Video Class on Dealing with Power Struggles.

For more ideas, I would also suggest you take my Positive Parenting Teleclass on MP3.

I strongly encourage you to respond to this post and to share your ideas for helping kids keep their room clean. Not every idea works for every child, so the more discussion about this, the more helpful it can be.  I also encourage you to share your successes and challenges with these ideas.

Messy Room No More!

The post 6 Parenting Tips For a Messy Room appeared first on Positive Parenting.

I thought her question about her kid jumping on the bed was a good one.

And one that some of you may have, so I asked her permission to share it with you, and hopefully everyone will get some ideas.  Here is her email:

"Thank you for your free seminar today, I really found it interesting and I would really like to participate in your 15 week class..."

I did have one question regarding the redirection and repetition. I have a little boy, Robert, who is almost three. In the evenings when Grandpa (lives with us) sits down after dinner in the living room to watch TV, Robert will run in and stand or start jumping on the sofa.

Grandpa tells him, in a firm voice, to stop jumping or sit down.

Hearing this, I usually go in and remove him from the sofa and tell him that we don't jump or stand on the sofa. He thinks it is a game and runs back in and jumps on the sofa. And this goes on until Grandpa gets annoyed and I have to help Robert find another way to entertain himself (ie toy, craft, etc).

Usually that means I have to stop clearing the table and doing dishes, etc.

On occasion it also happens during the day when Grandpa is not there so I am not sure if it is just to get his attention or to get my attention, or both.

I usually remove him from the living room area each time, but should I be using this time to correct him by having/showing him to sit down on the sofa each time we repeat the repetition exercise? Also is it okay that I am the one to address the problem because Grandpa will not have the patience for possible "47" times repetition exercise.

Thanks!
Kimberley

When I read this question, I immediately thought of my workshop entitled,

"Tell Them What Do Do, Not What To Don't".

You can listen to a 3-minute Pep Talk where I explain this idea.  So, in answer to your question, Kimberly, yes you can use the tool "respond like a broken record". And use the time you would otherwise spend distracting him to train him.

Remember the tips I gave you in the recorded class to get this to work... you must have the to repeat however many times it takes the first time you try it. Otherwise, your little guy will learn how long he has to push you before you break, rather than that you are consistent.  I would listen to the Pep Talk first, then come up with your idea to respond like a broken record.  I like that you have been distracting him with other things, so perhaps you can incorporate that idea into your planned response.

The bad news is that if grandpa is unable or unwilling to do this, your son may continue to "test" him.  I would suggest telling grandpa what you are going to try. And ask for his support by allowing you to do it without criticism.  Perhaps when he sees the results, he will be inspired and willing to come up with his own version of "responding like a broken record" from which your son can learn.  Please let me know how it goes!

If you try this idea, and it works, please post your success story here.  If it DOESN'T work, please also post here and let's trouble shoot another response!

Happy Parenting!

Love and Hugs,

Deb

The post What To Do About Kid Jumping on the Bed appeared first on Positive Parenting.

Imagine if someone with authority said to you that you could not use corporal punishment to discipline your children. Stop and think...how would you handle it?

Would it cause dramatic changes in the way you discipline your kids? Would you go into a panic? Would you give up disciplining all together?

Eliminating corporal punishment (deciding to spare the rod) means more than forgoing bottom spanking. It includes a slap on the wrist, the smack on the face and any other body parts that may be struck.

Numerous studies have revealed that if we were raised with corporal punishment we will most likely raise our children the same way. What we know about being parents generally comes from the parents that raised us.

Some of you may be asking at this point, so what’s really wrong with a swat on the bottom? It’s fast, effective and has nothing to do with child abuse. However, very few people can say with confidence that they have never hit their kids just a little harder than they intended. It’s possible for well intentioned loving parents to get angry enough with their children to use spanking as a means of releasing their own anger. Although these parents are well aware that the purpose of discipline is to teach, when corporal punishment is used, the danger of using and abusing children is greater.

Most parents will agree that children learn a great deal through imitation, especially when they see their children dress up in their clothes, repeat familiar phrases or even pantomime cigarette smoking. When mom or dad spanks little Tommy they are using hitting as a form of communication. They are in fact teaching him through imitation to communicate with his hands (hitting) instead of with words.

When our children see us become so angry with them that we strike them, we not only lose sight of why we are disciplining them, but we show them that it is an appropriate way to deal with anger.

So where does that leave our imaginary situation where corporal punishment is not permitted? In order to teach our children right from wrong we know that discipline has an important place in rearing a child. The following case studies offer alternatives for parents who would like to, or are considering dropping corporal punishment from their lives.

Time-out (For you)

You walk into your bedroom and find red nail polish splattered all over your recently purchased white cashmere sweater. Needless to say you are quite upset and can feel a rush of adrenaline through your body commanding you to act immediately. This is probably not the best time to discipline your children. Give yourself time to deal with your own anger; take deep breaths, a hot bath, dust the house. The point is to deal with your own anger first so you don’t risk taking it out on your children. Then you can begin to think about how it happened. Was it an accident, a deliberate cry for attention or are your children mad at you?

Consider the possibilities. After you are calm and have a reasonably open mind call for your children. Having taken some “time-out” to deal with your own emotions you will be better equipped to deal effectively with the situation. Your children won’t be exposed to an irrational role model and most of all you will be capable of choosing the most appropriate form of discipline or simply finding out if something is bothering them.

Time-out (For them)

Four year old Lisa proceeds to throw a temper tantrum every time you tell her "no". It doesn’t matter whether you’re at the supermarket or a friend’s house; she kicks and screams until she eventually wears you down. Four year old Lisa has learned how to push your buttons. Fortunately, it’s not too late. Children who throw temper tantrums invariably want and receive attention. Whether the parent ends up consoling or yelling, the child receives attention for her negative behavior. This in turn reinforces her belief that temper tantrums gain your attention.

Lisa’s parent might try designating a place in the house where she can express her tantrum. Every time she is getting ready to have one, tell her you recognize her right to express her emotions (to be angry) and take her out of the environment and into a “Temper tantrum zone.” Stay with her without giving her attention. Read a magazine with one eye and watch her with the other (you want to prevent or intervene if she begins to hurt herself).

Temper tantrum zones can also be found outside the home. For example, if the tantrum begins in the grocery store, ask an employee to watch your cart while you take the child outside. Again watch her and listen to her but don’t give her any direct attention. When she has calmed down is the time to give her a treat like a box of Animal Crackers. Giving them to her during the tantrum again only reinforces the negative behavior.

A method for preventing tantrums in public places before they become a problem involves the use of "tickets". Before making your next trip to the store, cut three circles or squares out of cardboard or heavy paper for each child. Decorate them with stars, sparkles and a smiling face.

Before giving the children the tickets tell them the rules you want them to follow (as simply as possible) while you are in the store. When handing over the tickets to them, let them know that every time they break a rule you’re going to take a ticket away. Tell them they must have at least one ticket left if they want to play outside when you get home. If they lose all three tickets they will stay inside. For they child who is extra good and doesn’t lose a ticket, surprise her with an ice cream cone or something you know she likes.

When you use time-out to discipline children you are taking negative attention away. That is, you are not spanking or yelling. When attention is taken away however, it needs to be replaced somewhere else. Lisa’s parents might try going out of their way to give her attention for all the good things she does; thanking her because she was quiet while you were on the telephone or telling her what a great job she did putting on her own socks and shoes. If she’s getting enough positive attention she won’t need to seek it in a negative way.

Taking Away a Privilege (vs. a Right)

The first time your six year old son Mark drew a masterpiece on the kitchen wall you thought it was so cute that you signed and dated it. After a few attempts to get him to use paper, you decide that it’s time to rid him of this bad habit.

After Mark’s parents explained to him and he understood that writing on the walls is a no-no, and he continued to do it, taking away the privilege of using crayons will help to teach him why it is wrong. Explaining to the child why the crayons are being taken away and for how long demands a lot more from the parent than a swat on the bottom. In the long run however, the child will learn that if he wants to keep his crayons the walls are not for scribbling.

It is important here to discern between a right and a privilege. Basic needs such as shelter, food, clothes and sleep are rights. It is our responsibility as parents to care for the needs of our children and not withhold the things that sustain them.

Sending Mark to bed without any dinner when he is hungry is depriving him of a basic right; the need to eat. Privileges, on the other hand are the desserts after the meal. A trip to the ice cream parlor, watching a cartoon show on television or having a set of crayons are all fun but not essential to his daily growth.

When Mark drew on the walls it would not have made sense to discipline him by not letting him play with his friends that afternoon or taking away his television privileges for a day or two.

The punishment must make sense if the child is to learn from it. Taking away Mark’s crayons for doodling on the walls will cause him to think about how he must act if he wants to use his crayons. An important point to remember when using this method of discipline is that young children generally have very short memories. When a privilege is taken away from them for two or three days they may forget about the punishment the second day. It’s the parents job to remind the child (as many times as necessary) why he has lost the privilege and for how long. With young children three days is a fairly long time and should be used as a guideline.

Not giving in on the second day of a three day punishment is the key to using this method successfully. It’s imperative to let them know that the terms of the punishment stand (no matter how hard they try to talk you out of it) while continuously showing your love for them.

Additional Chores

Seven year old Jimmy has broken several items around the house probably due to a combination of carelessness, inattentiveness and roughhousing. This time he has broken a favorite vase of yours. After you have dealt with your anger and let him know you are upset at what he did, to discipline him by having him help with the vacuuming and dusting might not help you, but it might change his behavior. Jimmy’s carelessness could be a sign that he doesn’t feel important to the household or family. It could be this child’s way of communicating that he needs more attention.

As with taking away privileges this method is demanding on both the parent and child. It requires reminding the child how long, why and what the punishment is. It also requires the parent to let the child do these extra chores which may or may not be helpful.

In this case to discipline by adding chores is a double edged sword. On one hand tour teaching Jimmy through discipline that breaking things is not appropriate behavior and on the other hand you’re making him feel more a part of the household by giving him more to do. In addition, if the chores you add involve parent - child interaction, like helping with dinner or folding laundry, you’re also spending more time with him and giving him the attention he was asking for.

Energy Releasing Activity

You’ve noticed that after dinner your children begin yelling, fighting and eventually saying no to bedtime. They may have left over energy which they need to release.

Sometimes children get so wound up from either too much or too little activity that an 8:00 p.m. bedtime seems impossible. Pent up energy can cause the normally obedient child to find trouble.

In this case the parent might try having the children run laps in the backyard, do jumping jacks or other calisthenics, dance fast to music or perform any other non-destructive but physically demanding activity. The key to this method is to divert the children immediately from the negative behavior while giving them a positive way to release their energy.

Reasoning

Nine year old Bob ate an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies after you had told him he could only have a couple. Now Bob has a stomachache.

Sometimes with an older child the most appropriate way to discipline is simply to talk it out. If your child is punishing himself for his wrongdoing, all you may need to do is calmly discuss the situation. Bob’s stomachache is probably enough punishment for disobeying you. By reasoning with him you explain the cause and effect relationship between his disobeying you and why he’s not feeling good.

With these methods and all methods of discipline discussed above, talking with your child about the wrongdoing and the discipline will help you both assess what the child has learned from it.

All the corporal free methods of discipline discussed share the same guidelines in working effectively. First the discipline (if there is one) should be decided on and then begun immediately. That is, telling a child “If you do that one more time...” only invites her to do it again.

Second, following through with discipline not only shows a child that you are serious about changing her behavior but also causes the child to think and learn from it. No child will take discipline seriously if she knows she can usually talk the parent out of it.

Consistency is the third guideline. This entails using similar discipline for similar transgressions. This will actually make decisions about discipline easier for the parent since future punishment is based on past discipline. It will also give the child a clearer understanding of what behaviors are expected out of him.

The final guideline is having the punishment make sense. As discussed earlier, the punishment should be designed so the child learns from it.

To discipline without hitting is easier for both parent and child if corporal punishment was never used at all. However it is possible to effectively discipline without hitting even if corporal punishment was the only method used previously.

By persevering in your discipline and using a combination of the alternative suggested in this article parents can become better role models for their children by teaching them how to handle their own anger. The transition from corporal to corporal free discipline may take time and patience, but will, in the long run, make better communicators out of the entire family.

**Note from Deb:  "While I agree with most of the suggestions in this article, I do not agree with the suggestions to use punishment.  The Positive Parenting model is to use guidance & consequences and it is not a punitive system.  However, I find the philosophical benefits of this article to be so great, that I include it here with a disclaimer that I don't agree with ALL the suggestions contained herein". **

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Register now for a FREE 2 hour call, "No I Won't and You Can't Make Me!" - Effectively Dealing with Power Struggles.  The next call is Monday at 8:00am PST / 11:00am EST. Here is a copy of an email I received from a mom, Wendy, the day after she listened to a similar call and then signed up for the class and received her free bonus material (she gave me permission to share):

"I have four children ages 12, 10 & 13 months (times two). My 10 year old step son is usually super sweet and so helpful. He doesn't usually argue when he's asked to do something. Actually, normally, he does above and beyond what is asked of him. But lately, he has been really trying to get extra attention and engaging in many power struggles. He constantly wants to debate with me and he has been arguing about EVERYthing. It's so out of character for him, and I didn't want to deal with it in a harsh way because he is normally such a good kid. But I didn't want his new way of dealing with things to be unknowingly reinforced. (I miss the "real" him.)

I was so excited to get tools on how to deal with it. Yesterday, I used the sing song one word to remind him to clean his bowl. He did it immediately. When his sister asked him what he was doing and he said, "mom asked me to clean my bowl." But I only used one word! I also tried the smiling with no words and just gesturing towards something else I asked him to do. He knew right away what he was supposed to have done. He got up and went to do it within a few seconds.

I also tried the GEM with him. We have a pretty good relationship and I normally take time to take a few minutes to give him undivided attention. But he just really seems to need it lately. It was really nice. I was rewarded with cuddles and "you are the best mom" and "I love you more".

I am really excited to learn more parenting tools! I really don't feel good about my parenting skills when I have to raise my voice or ground them to get the children to cooperate. It makes me feel like I have failed. Last night, I felt like I won without a fight and I got to see my real son again. Thanks!!!"

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-by Carol Welcher

During the developmental stage of 2-4 years of age, children are supposed to push boundaries, manipulate, and tease. This how they learn how much power and control they have in their world. It is not something bad that has to be stopped. Children are supposed to do it. It is not your job as a parent to stop the teasing and manipulating. It is your job -- the of handling annoying behavior in ways so that you stay detached and it allows that stage to come and go in its natural progression.

Staying detached means keeping your emotions in check. Avoid getting angry. Avoid getting frustrated. Avoid adding you emotions to your children’s. Kids have enough of their own emotions without parents adding theirs to the mix. Children need parents to remain calm, loving and firm. If you understand that the pushing and manipulation are a normal part of development, it will help you to stay detached. It’s how children learn.

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By Deborah Godfrey

“Why do I have to ask over and over again to the point of yelling to get my child to do anything, and then when she does it, she does a lousy job of it?”

This is such a common parental complaint! One thing I have noticed about children’s behavior is that it usually makes sense when viewed it from the child’s perspective.  Often we expect them to make the mistake, forget the directions, or in some way fail to meet our expectations.  We keep trying by giving them more hints (nagging), being very clear (yelling), or attempting to motivate them into the “right” behavior (manipulating or making them feel guilty).  Yet over and over again, they seem as if they are not “getting it”.  A dad in one of my classes, Kevin, had been having a particular challenge with his daughter.  Taryn had to have breathing treatments for asthma, which she really disliked.  Dad’s patience with her resistance was wearing thin as this had to happen several times a day and just was not optional.  One particular time, he could see the power struggle coming as it was time for her to take her treatment.  Instead of fighting with her, he began talking to the empty space around the breathing machine.  He used comforting words as if Taryn was sitting there and taking her treatment.  The way Kevin explained it, “I talked to the space she should be in and she asked me, ‘What are you doing?’ and I said, ‘I’m talking to my daughter who is taking her breathing treatment’ and she jumped right into that space and took her breathing treatment!”

Kevin had a literal example of creating the space for a child to do the right thing.  This is something I talk metaphorically about in my classes and workshops.  How can you have belief and faith that your child will do the right thing, when they so often seem to make poor choices?  I would assert that it’s because we expect them to fail so often so they do.  When we start believing and acting as if they will do the right thing, they will do much more of that!  So what is this “creating the space” for them to do what’s right?  It means having faith in your parenting skills, trusting their basic good nature, and allowing for any experience to be acceptable.

Have faith in your parenting skills.  One reason moms and dads parent inconsistently is that they feel uncertain about their parenting skills.  If you are a parent that feels guilty that you are being too harsh, or helpless at being able to set limits and follow through, then you need to get some confidence in your parenting skills!  You can do this through, classes, books and online resources as well.  While none of us are perfect parents, there is a term used in parenting called, “good enough”.  If you are a good enough parent, then you have decent parenting tools. These tools usually need to be gleaned from an outside resource as listed above, unless you were also raised by a “good enough” parent.  If you were, congratulations!  Good enough parents usually convey through role modeling good enough parenting skills to their offspring, (YOU!) and you can be rest assured that you are parenting good enough as well.

There are two voices that can block your achievement in this area.  The first is the voice in your own head.  It is usually you being too harsh on yourself.  If you follow this voice more deeply, you may see the connection between things you heard as a child and the details of this voice of criticism in your head.   Explore this fully and work on being gentler and kinder to yourself, giving yourself the kind words you deserved then.  This will lessen the power of those negative thoughts to disturb your confidence in your parenting skills now. The other more obvious voice of criticism is our well-meaning friends and relatives.  One mom told me her best friend was such a “perfect parent” it always made her feel bad about herself and her kids.  She would try to be perfect like her friend, wanting to follow her advice, but rarely being able to follow through.  In her heart, mom didn’t agree with the harshness of some of the methods her friend used to get compliant behavior from her children.  This mom valued creativity and spirit above the perfect behavior, but so wanted her friend’s approval, that she was in nearly constant conflict over her parenting decisions!  I advised her to love and respect her friend, and work on trusting herself to know what is best for HER children and try not to hold her friend up as a role model if it continued to cause her to feel bad.  It’s OK to trust a friend’s advice if we respect MOST aspects of how that friend is parenting and can use their wisdom to make our decisions.  It will not work however if something in us feels there may be something wrong with those parenting tools for us and our children.  Becoming “good enough” is a sense inside of you that you are doing your best and giving yourself enough time and energy to focus on those things that give you that confidence to have faith in your parenting skills.

Trust your child’s basic good nature.  All kids are born wanting to please you and make you happy and proud.  It is in their basic nature to do so.  Most parents do not realize how we unknowingly train them to do the exact opposite!  When children are small and love to help, do you encourage them and allow for age appropriate achievement to be good enough?  Or are you critical and expect more from them then they may be capable of at that age and stage. When my kids were little, they loved to mop the floors and wash windows.  Now of course, they weren’t yet capable of doing it “correctly”, but I loved the spirit they had doing it and celebrated that.  Over time, they came to do their chores with accomplishment as well as pride, and that sense of fun and achievement I instilled when they were younger.

Trusting their goodness also means trusting their integrity.  I call this a child’s inner “Jiminy Cricket”, that sense of right and wrong born into all humans.  So much of our (poor) parenting masks our children’s inner voice. When we judge them, yell at them, don’t hear their side, we push their integrity way down in them, so they cannot even reach it, and over time forget that it is even there.  Instead, we need to believe in their goodness and create space for them to do what is right.  One time, my kids were waiting for me in the car.  I got in and Briana and Michael were shouting from the backseat, “MOM!  Michelle took a dollar out of your wallet!”   I looked up into the review mirror at the tattlers in the back and said, “Peanut gallery, enough!  Sounds like you two need to take care of yourselves!  Michelle would never take money from me!”  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little hand carefully slipping a dollar bill back into my purse.  I smiled to myself, started the car and went on my way.  I believe kids will do the right thing if we give them a chance!

Allowing any experience to be acceptable.  While I had what I consider a good result in the above example, many times children make poor choices.  In that case, we have a dilemma.  If the child has proven to be untrustworthy, shouldn’t we become more critical and vigilant to make sure they do the right thing?  How can I accept a poor choice?  My argument is if you continue to criticize and micromanage, they will get less responsible, not more responsible.  What the child needs is space to do the right thing!  So if a child makes a poor choice, see this as an opportunity to get on their side, to be empathetic, to console them and to become their safe haven when they make a mistake from which they need to learn one of life’s lessons.

My son, Michael, had gone snowboarding with a buddy.  They couldn’t make it to the ski resort because the road closed and he had no chains.  So they pulled off the road where there was a nice hill and spent a few hours there.  When they came back to the car, Michael was taking off his gear and his friend Rodney was trying to hurry him up.  My son is somewhat of a slow poke when it comes to transitioning from activity to leaving!  I know this from my experience with him at the beach.  If I say, “Time to go” I can be assured it’s at least another 15 minutes of carefully getting out of wetsuit, rinsing board, wetsuit and feet several times and putting on clothes!  If I interrupt this transition, he will invariable forget something, a shirt, shoes or some part of the gear.  So I allow time and space for him to make his transition.  Now Rodney didn’t know this, and neither did Michael in a conscious way.  When Michael got home and began to unpack his car late that night, his snowboard wasn’t in the trunk!  He was shocked as he realized he had set it down beside the car when and when Rodney hurried him, he accidentally left it there!  I felt bad for him, asked if he could drive back up and look for it.  He said no way, it was over 2 hours away and in such an obvious place that someone had surely taken it already.  I bit my lip hard from any moralizing, judging or criticizing, he obviously felt horrible.  When he told me how Rodney had rushed him, I made the observation of how I noticed that he needed to make his transition in his own time and has trouble when he’s rushed.  I think he understood that as never before!  I also think he felt supported by me for understanding that, rather than being critical of him for forgetting.

The “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” class is full of parenting tools that assist parents in all aspects of discipline and behavior.  Wouldn’t you love to have tools that create space for a child to become more responsible and make better decisions?

Happy Parenting!

Deborah has been teaching parenting classes and workshops for over 20 years. She is passionate about parenting, relationships and children.

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