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Teens Headed for
Trouble: Turning it Around
- by Ruth Angaran, M.Ed.
(A note from the
author: This article developed from a response to a mom in cyberspace
facing this exact situation with her teenage daughter, hence I have used
"she" throughout the article for clarity and consistency. The
ideas and points are equally relevant for parents of teenage boys as
well.)
The Beginning
Is your teenager
out-of-control? Staying out all night? Not telling you where she is?
Cutting school? Talking back to you in mean and hurtful ways? Hurting
herself and those around her? Are you thinking of sending her to her
father? Have you already called in the law, or social services out of
desperation? Do you feel it is either you or her?
Oftentimes in today’s
world, this teenager experienced a divorce at some point. Perhaps you
have gone on to another relationship and remarried. She was deeply hurt
by the divorce and her life today may be about that hurt. Divorce,
remarriage, separation and other emotional stresses can have a delayed
impact on a child, sometimes surfacing in aggravated rebellion during the
teen years.
THE DECISION
To turn this around
will take a great deal of courage, time, and a commitment to not giving
up on her, love, obviously, and patience--while at the same time devoting
the same commitment to yourself and your life the way you want it.
THE DILEMMA
Establishing rules
for them only establishes power struggles...that she knows already that
she will win. She has had enough experience now to know that she can get
away with anything that she wants. Her dilemma is "I know I can win
in any struggle with you, Mom, and I want to. And I don’t want to."
Winning over you gives her a sense of power, and it does not get her what
she really wants desperately-- a place to fit in, to feel safe and loved.
A teen in rebellion does not look like she is looking for love. She looks
like the devil. She looks like hate and despair.
PEACE TALKS
Somehow, you must get
her cooperation in a turn around. The negotiation would have to look
something like peace talks in Bosnia in the beginning. So imagine
what distrust and pain exist between those peoples who have been killing
each other in atrocious way for years, and ask yourself, your new spouse,
and your other children, "What will it take from each of us to make
life civil around here, where everyone agrees not to hurt anymore?"
It is important that you realize that nothing about a ‘turnaround’ can be
forced or controlled. All parties must be committed to not hurting back.
And, you will slip
up. Know that. You have all trained yourselves too well to respond with
the hurtful statement when you have been hurt. The job in the beginning
will be to get clear that everyone wants the same thing: calm, civility,
respect. Then, to commit to what will happen if you make a mistake and do
or say something hurtful to anyone else in the family. Suppose you have
the following conversation:
"I want you to
know that I really hate where our relationships is today. I hate how I
feel about you, and how you seem to feel about me a lot. I know that my
part in this is that I have treated you with as little respect as you
have been dishing out to me, and I want more than anything to go back to
the way we were...(whenever it was better). Are you interested in doing
it differently around here?" AND SHUT UP. Wait for her to tell you.
If she goes into one of her tirades about how much of a failure you are,
or that you are not going to tell her how to live her life, etc...Just
wait: ask the question again, "Are you interested in talking with me
about doing it differently, having a better relationship?"
Keep asking the
question and keep telling her that you want a relationship that is based
on mutual respect--where you can respect her and she can respect you.
Tell her you want to stop talking to each other with such hate, and to
talk out your problems. Tell her that you love her, and that you always
will, no matter what she does. That you hate her behavior...that you
could not send her away because you love her and cherish her in your
life. And mean those things. You will have to keep telling her; because
this is the one thing she does not believe. She looks and behaves like
she believes that she is not lovable by you, and that she cannot count on
you.
UNDERSTANDING THE
TEENS PERSPECTIVE
Having been there,
and having worked with parents who have been there, I have found one of
the things that is very powerful in her peer world right now is that she
gets a great deal of support from her peers to talk this way--and do
these things. There are many teenagers who have developed this isolated
existence from their parents--and oftentimes, I have found it is around
the Mom or Dad's choices to divorce and remarry. If this transition
doesn't get handled so that the children KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt
that they still have a secure, precious position with their parent--they
will start hurting--either in subtle or very overt ways. And they have so
many friends who are in this same world, they get ideas and support from
each other. It is hard to break--only love will break it. It took me
several years with my son. And all the while, they are maturing along
with all that you do.
BOUNDARIES AND
LIMITS
I suggest, as well,
that you read Jane Bluestein's book, "Parents, Teens
and Boundaries", because it is the flip side of this equation. You
must take care of yourselves in this. You will have to establish some
boundaries. These are the struggle points that she does not want to win.
Boundaries make her feel safe. She will scream that you are trying to
control her, and what she wants from you is the security that you won’t
let her run roughshod over your limits, your lines in the sand. And, as
Dr. Bluestein will suggest, you must choose these very wisely...and be
prepared to follow through with the consequences that you and she have
discussed and accepted. These are always stated as a matter of fact, not
a command that lights the power struggle fires! I love her example of the
store closing hours:
"If the store
respects its own boundaries and you get there after 9PM, it will probably be closed,
no matter what your intention, regardless of what delayed you, and in
spite of what you thought the hours were.
The store is not
closed to punish you for your delay or misunderstanding. It's not closed
to teach you a lesson. It's not closed to mess with your mind. It's just
closed. Period."
Boundaries are not
punitive or intended to teach your teen a lesson. They simply let them
know what their choices are, and believe me: They want to know. And they
must test them, it is written in the code of adolescent behavior!
Please know that this
is only the beginning, re-establishing a damaged relationship takes time,
patience and love. Most of all, if you are a parent in this situation,
you need the support, caring and encouragement from other parents who
have been there and succeeded in working through these very difficult
times. It only takes one person, you, absolutely committed to peace, to
end the war in your home.
Ruth S. Angaran,
M.Ed., is a twenty-year plus veteran teacher of adolescents. She is
president of For The Children, teaching Redirecting Children's Behavior
to corporate employees and in the community, training instructors in RCB
instruction, and training instructors in COMMON GROUND--A Course for
Creating Cooperation and Mutual Respect Between Parents and Their Teens.
Please email your
comments to Rangaran@aol.com
Here are some good
books for parenting teenagers:
Positive
Discipline for Teens
Grounded
for Life?!
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