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Saying "I
Love You"
- by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
"I love
you". Can any words possibly sound sweeter or offer greater comfort?
Is any statement more natural--or necessary--between a parent and child?
In many families, these words come easily. But if you grew up never
hearing them, saying "I love you" may feel somewhat unnatural
to you. Or if members of your family used loving statements to control or
manipulate, you may be very uncomfortable using them with your own
children.
Many families either
don't communicate loving feelings very often or they communicate them in
destructive ways. A counselor friend once told me she was appalled to
discover that some of her clients had never heard the words, "I love
you" from their parents: "I couldn't imagine parents who
couldn't say 'I love you' to their children, probably because I grew up
hearing it all the time. But in the middle of my shock and
self-righteousness, I realized that in my family, that statement was
always loaded with expectations for me to do something. Most of the time
when my parents said 'I love you' they would stand there and wait for us
to say 'I love you, too'. So that statement always came off as a
solicitation, rather than an expression of how they really felt about
us."
If either of these
extremes describe your upbringing, chances are, you aren't using loving
statements as often--or as "cleanly"--as you might. A few
simple guidelines can help.
Let's hear it! We all
need to hear loving statements from people we care about. It may be easy
to assume that your kids know you love them. After all, you do love them
and you probably do a lot of loving things for them. That's important.
But feeling love for
someone is not the same as expressing it. Nor is doing loving things.
Loving feelings and loving behaviors are not loving words--and those are
important, too.
If you find it hard
to get the words out of your mouth, either from lack of familiarity or
fear of rejection, start slowly. A parent in one of my workshops
confessed to practicing on the dog for a few days before she could get up
the nerve to try it out on her kids! Another started by writing love
notes to her children, sneaking them into their lunch bags or under their
pillows. Both reported such a strong, positive response from their
children, that saying "I love you" came much more easily after
that.
Let's hear it some
more. None of this "I-told-you-I-love-you-in-1985" stuff, OK?
This isn't like going to the dentist twice a year. So maybe it's still
not easy to say, even with the practice and little successes. Maybe
hearing "I love you" even gives your kids the creeps (this is
more age specific than anything else and less likely to happen if you
don't say it in front of his entire 5th grade class). Say it anyhow. As a
gift to yourself, communicate your love daily. At least.
Keep it simple!
"I love you" is a complete sentence. We don't need to tie our
feelings for a person to the person's behavior. In fact, whenever we
connect it to something the other person has done, "I love you"
becomes a statement of conditional caring.
"I love you when
you make your bed", or "I love you when you make the honor
roll", suggest that you love your child because of his behavior or
accomplishment. It also suggests that the love wouldn't be there--or be
quite the same--if the child hadn't made the bed or the grades. (Don't
you love your kid in either case?) You can still be excited and happy
about the behavior, but avoid communicating that your loving feelings for
your child exist because he's doing what pleases you.
"I love
you". Period.
No "buts"
about it! By the same token, watch the tendency to use "I love
you" as a lead-in to a confrontation about something your child has
done that you find disturbing. If you need to address the child's
behavior or set a boundary, by all means do so. But deal with the
behavior--not the worth of the child, or your feelings for him or her.
If the child needs to
clean her room or miss the movie because her chores were not done, deal
with the situation, not your feelings. You don't need to say, "I
love you but..." to soften the blow. Your feelings are not an issue
here.
Besides, because of
the way the brain processes the words we hear, whatever you say before
the word "but” automatically gets canceled out anyhow. (In other
words, if you say, "I love you, but your room is a mess," all the
child ends up hearing is, "Your room is a mess.")
Using "but"
in the same sentence as "I love you" is confusing and
manipulative. As in the previous example, this type of statement suggests
that the child is only lovable conditionally. Cut to the chase. Avoid
tying the feelings you express to the way the child is acting--good or
bad.
No expectations. Say
"I love you" because you want to say "I love you."
Say it because you feel love toward the person you're talking to. Say it
because it feels good to say it.
"I love
you" is a powerful statement and lots of times it will evoke a
loving response from the recipient. But attaching an expectation for a
response to the statement is a set-up--both for you and the other person.
If the expectation is there, your child will know it. If he does respond,
it will probably be to avoid guilt or conflict rather than genuine,
spontaneous caring. Is that what you really want?
If your children
haven't learned how to say "I love you" yet, it's OK to tell
them that you need to hear those three little words sometimes, too. Then
give them some space to risk, practice and learn. By far their best
lessons will come from your own unconditional modeling.
Turn the love inward.
Next to unconditional love, the best gift you can give another person is
the love you give yourself! In fact the ability to love, appreciate and
care for yourself is essential to healthy, loving relationships with
others.
So, look in the
mirror. Look into your eyes. Say "I love you." No
"buts." No qualifiers. Say it out loud. Say it often. Mean it.
What better way to
affirm how worthwhile and lovable you are. And what better way to
practice one of the most basic, most precious and important parenting
skills there is.
When your children
aren't very loving...
"I HATE YOU,
MOMMY!"
OK. You're really
working hard on your boundaries and recognize that sometimes responsible
parenting means saying "no" to your child's request for Milk
Duds for dinner or a plea for a 4 a.m. curfew. If your child is
doing her job, you can count on her to occasionally resist you efforts at
setting even reasonable limits. And sometimes that means she is going to
fight dirty, especially if it's worked in the past.
"I HATE YOU,
MOMMY!"
Nothing will trigger
anger, shame, shock and a sense of inadequacy faster than this statement.
It's hard to hear someone you love tell you that he hates you and not
take it rather personally. Children know this. They figure out, often at
a very early age, that this is a short-cut to a lot of attention
(negative attention though it may be) and often to getting their own way.
So, how do you
respond?
It's actually pretty
simple--at least on paper. First of all, resist the temptation to talk
about how this statement "really hurts me and brings up all my
abandonment and inadequacy issues." Sure, tell your therapist or
your sponsor, but don't dump on your 4-year-old. (Even if your children
happen to have degrees in psychiatry, do you really want to make them
responsible for your feelings? They're not, you know, and the burden can
be overwhelming even for healthy, well-adjusted adults with excellent personal
boundaries!)
Instead, acknowledge
the feelings behind the statement: "You sound pretty angry,"
"You're upset about that'" or even "I understand."
Disengage--especially
if you find yourself getting upset. Watch out for the temptation to hurt
back. Saying "I hate you too, sometimes!" may be exactly what
you are feeling at the moment, but it won't help you, your child or your
relationship for you to become a 4-year-old who is acting out. If you
need some support, encouragement, reassurance or understanding, call on
your adult resources.
And leave the door
open for further discussions with your child at a later, and calmer,
time: "Let's talk about this in a little bit."
If you are able to
stay "unhooked" and refuse to change your mind because your
child has said that she hates you, she's far less likely to continue
using this statement to manipulate your feelings and behaviors. Plus,
you'll be able to hang onto the idea that you're still a wonderful and
lovable person--no matter what your kids say!
*Yes this works on
Daddies, too.
A dynamic and
entertaining speaker, Dr.
Bluestein has worked with thousands of educators, counselors,
administrators, health-care providers, criminal justice personnel and
parents. Her down-to earth speaking style, practicality, sense of humor,
and numerous examples make her ideas clear and accessible to her
audiences.
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