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Deciding to Spare
the Rod
(Author Unknown)
Imagine if someone
with authority said to you that you could not use corporal punishment to
discipline your children. Stop and think...how would you handle it?
Would it cause
dramatic changes in the way you discipline your kids? Would you go into a
panic? Would you give up disciplining all together?
Eliminating corporal
punishment means more than forgoing bottom spanking. It includes a slap
on the wrist, the smack on the face and any other body parts that may be
struck.
Numerous studies have
revealed that if we were raised with corporal punishment we will most
likely raise our children the same way. What we know about being parents
generally comes from the parents that raised us.
Some of you may be
asking at this point, so what’s really wrong with a swat on the bottom?
It’s fast, effective and has nothing to do with child abuse. However,
very few people can say with confidence that they have never hit their
kids just a little harder than they intended. It’s possible for well
intentioned loving parents to get angry enough with their children to use
spanking as a means of releasing their own anger. Although these parents
are well aware that the purpose of discipline is to teach, when corporal
punishment is used, the danger of using and abusing children is greater.
Most parents will
agree that children learn a great deal through imitation, especially when
they see their children dress up in their clothes, repeat familiar
phrases or even pantomime cigarette smoking. When mom or dad spanks
little Tommy they are using hitting as a form of communication. They are
in fact teaching him through imitation to communicate with his hands
(hitting) instead of with words.
When our children see
us become so angry with them that we strike them, we not only lose sight
of why we are disciplining them, but we show them that it is an
appropriate way to deal with anger.
So where does that
leave our imaginary situation where corporal punishment is not permitted?
In order to teach our children right from wrong we know that discipline
has an important place in rearing a child. The following case studies
offer alternatives for parents who would like to, or are considering
dropping corporal punishment from their lives.
Time-out (For you)
You walk into your
bedroom and find red nail polish splattered all over your recently
purchased white cashmere sweater. Needless to say you are quite upset and
can feel a rush of adrenaline through your body commanding you to act
immediately. This is probably not the best time to discipline your
children. Give yourself time to deal with your own anger; take deep
breaths, a hot bath, dust the house. The point is to deal with your own
anger first so you don’t risk taking it out on your children. Then you
can begin to think about how it happened. Was it an accident, a
deliberate cry for attention or are your children mad at you?
Consider the
possibilities. After you are calm and have a reasonably open mind call
for your children. Having taken some “time-out” to deal with your own
emotions you will be better equipped to deal effectively with the
situation. Your children won’t be exposed to an irrational role model and
most of all you will be capable of choosing the most appropriate form of
discipline or simply finding out if something is bothering them.
Time-out (For
them)
Four year old Lisa
proceeds to throw a temper tantrum every time you tell her
"no". It doesn’t matter whether you’re at the supermarket or a friend’s
house; she kicks and screams until she eventually wears you down. Four
year old Lisa has learned how to push your buttons. Fortunately, it’s not
too late. Children who throw temper tantrums invariably want and receive
attention. Whether the parent ends up consoling or yelling, the child
receives attention for her negative behavior. This in turn reinforces her
belief that temper tantrums gain your attention.
Lisa’s parent might
try designating a place in the house where she can express her tantrum. Every
time she is getting ready to have one, tell her you recognize her right
to express her emotions (to be angry) and take her out of the environment
and into a “Temper tantrum zone.” Stay with her without giving her
attention. Read a magazine with one eye and watch her with the other (you
want to prevent or intervene if she begins to hurt herself).
Temper tantrum zones
can also be found outside the home. For example, if the tantrum begins in
the grocery store, ask an employee to watch your cart while you take the
child outside. Again watch her and listen to her but don’t give her any
direct attention. When she has calmed down is the time to give her a
treat like a box of Animal Crackers. Giving them to her during the
tantrum again only reinforces the negative behavior.
A method for
preventing tantrums in public places before they become a problem involves
the use of "tickets". Before making your next trip to the
store, cut three circles or squares out of cardboard or heavy paper for
each child. Decorate them with stars, sparkles and a smiling face.
Before giving the
children the tickets tell them the rules you want them to follow (as
simply as possible) while you are in the store. When handing over the
tickets to them, let them know that every time they break a rule you’re
going to take a ticket away. Tell them they must have at least one ticket
left if they want to play outside when you get home. If they lose all
three tickets they will stay inside. For they child who is extra good and
doesn’t lose a ticket, surprise her with an ice cream cone or something
you know she likes.
When you use time-out
to discipline children you are taking negative attention away. That is,
you are not spanking or yelling. When attention is taken away however, it
needs to be replaced somewhere else. Lisa’s parents might try going out
of their way to give her attention for all the good things she does;
thanking her because she was quiet while you were on the telephone or
telling her what a great job she did putting on her own socks and shoes.
If she’s getting enough positive attention she won’t need to seek it in a
negative way.
Taking Away a
Privilege (vs. a Right)
The first time your
six year old son Mark drew a masterpiece on the kitchen wall you thought
it was so cute that you signed and dated it. After a few attempts to get
him to use paper, you decide that it’s time to rid him of this bad habit.
After Mark’s parents
explained to him and he understood that writing on the walls is a no-no,
and he continued to do it, taking away the privilege of using crayons
will help to teach him why it is wrong. Explaining to the child why the
crayons are being taken away and for how long demands a lot more from the
parent than a swat on the bottom. In the long run however, the child will
learn that if he wants to keep his crayons the walls are not for
scribbling.
It is important here
to discern between a right and a privilege. Basic needs such as shelter,
food, clothes and sleep are rights. It is our responsibility as parents
to care for the needs of our children and not withhold the things that
sustain them.
Sending Mark to bed
without any dinner when he is hungry is depriving him of a basic right;
the need to eat. Privileges, on the other hand are the desserts after the
meal. A trip to the ice cream parlor, watching a cartoon show on
television or having a set of crayons are all fun but not essential to
his daily growth.
When Mark drew on the
walls it would not have made sense to discipline him by not letting him
play with his friends that afternoon or taking away his television
privileges for a day or two.
The punishment must
make sense if the child is to learn from it. Taking away Mark’s crayons
for doodling on the walls will cause him to think about how he must act
if he wants to use his crayons. An important point to remember when using
this method of discipline is that young children generally have very
short memories. When a privilege is taken away from them for two or three
days they may forget about the punishment the second day. It’s the
parents job to remind the child (as many times as necessary) why he has
lost the privilege and for how long. With young children three days is a
fairly long time and should be used as a guideline.
Not giving in on the
second day of a three day punishment is the key to using this method
successfully. It’s imperative to let them know that the terms of the
punishment stand (no matter how hard they try to talk you out of it)
while continuously showing your love for them.
Additional Chores
Seven year old Jimmy
has broken several items around the house probably due to a combination
of carelessness, inattentiveness and roughhousing. This time he has
broken a favorite vase of yours. After you have dealt with your anger and
let him know you are upset at what he did, to discipline him by having
him help with the vacuuming and dusting might not help you, but it might
change his behavior. Jimmy’s carelessness could be a sign that he doesn’t
feel important to the household or family. It could be this child’s way
of communicating that he needs more attention.
As with taking away
privileges this method is demanding on both the parent and child. It
requires reminding the child how long, why and what the punishment is. It
also requires the parent to let the child do these extra chores which may
or may not be helpful.
In this case to
discipline by adding chores is a double edged sword. On one hand tour
teaching Jimmy through discipline that breaking things is not appropriate
behavior and on the other hand you’re making him feel more a part of the
household by giving him more to do. In addition, if the chores you add
involve parent - child interaction, like helping with dinner or folding
laundry, you’re also spending more time with him and giving him the
attention he was asking for.
Energy Releasing
Activity
You’ve noticed that
after dinner your children begin yelling, fighting and eventually saying
no to bedtime. They may have left over energy which they need to release.
Sometimes children
get so wound up from either too much or too little activity that an 8:00
p.m.
bedtime seems impossible. Pent up energy can cause the normally obedient
child to find trouble.
In this case the
parent might try having the children run laps in the backyard, do jumping
jacks or other calisthenics, dance fast to music or perform any other
non-destructive but physically demanding activity. The key to this method
is to divert the children immediately from the negative behavior while
giving them a positive way to release their energy.
Reasoning
Nine year old Bob ate
an entire batch of chocolate chip cookies after you had told him he could
only have a couple. Now Bob has a stomachache.
Sometimes with an
older child the most appropriate way to discipline is simply to talk it
out. If your child is punishing himself for his wrongdoing, all you may
need to do is calmly discuss the situation. Bob’s stomachache is probably
enough punishment for disobeying you. By reasoning with him you explain
the cause and effect relationship between his disobeying you and why he’s
not feeling good.
With these methods
and all methods of discipline discussed above, talking with your child
about the wrongdoing and the discipline will help you both assess what
the child has learned from it.
All the corporal free
methods of discipline discussed share the same guidelines in working
effectively. First the discipline (if there is one) should be decided on
and then begun immediately. That is, telling a child “If you do that one
more time...” only invites her to do it again.
Second, following
through with discipline not only shows a child that you are serious about
changing her behavior but also causes the child to think and learn from
it. No child will take discipline seriously if she knows she can usually
talk the parent out of it.
Consistency is the
third guideline. This entails using similar discipline for similar
transgressions. This will actually make decisions about discipline easier
for the parent since future punishment is based on past discipline. It
will also give the child a clearer understanding of what behaviors are
expected out of him.
The final guideline
is having the punishment make sense. As discussed earlier, the punishment
should be designed so the child learns from it.
To discipline without
hitting is easier for both parent and child if corporal punishment was
never used at all. However it is possible to effectively discipline
without hitting even if corporal punishment was the only method used
previously.
By persevering in
your discipline and using a combination of the alternative suggested in
this article parents can become better role models for their children by
teaching them how to handle their own anger. The transition from corporal
to corporal free discipline may take time and patience, but will, in the
long run, make better communicators out of the entire family.
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