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Bedtime Without
Struggling
- by Kathryn Kvols and Helen Hall, RN, MSN, CFNP
"Zachary, time
for bed." "NO!" Two year old Zachary responds, running
toward the playroom. Mother follows close behind, pleading, "It's
time for bed, honey. C'mon, now."
"No, Mommy,
no!" squeals Zachary as Mother swoops down to pick him up. Zachary's
body stiffens, his back arches, and he begins kicking his feet in order
to free himself of her tightening grip. Wildly, Zachary kicks his Mother
as he struggles to get loose.
"Stop it! You're
going to bed, NOW!" Mother declares, not to be outdone by her
child's resistant behavior. Zachary begins to cry loudly as Mother,
somewhat beaten and greatly exasperated, pulls off his clothes for his
impending bath. This emotional and physical power struggle continues through
Zachary's bath, pajamas, tooth brushing, and abruptly ends with a token
kiss.
Exhausted and
frustrated, Mother proceeds down the stairs hopeful for some solitude,
only to hear, "Mommmmy, I want a drink. Me go potty!" Feeling
guilty and yet, still angry, Mother hurriedly responds with the requested
water and a brisk trip to the bathroom. Mother sets him on the bed and
says evenly, "Don't let me hear another word. Good night!"
Mother stomps down the stairs after slamming his door. Zachary is left
huddled on his bed, crying into his pillow and Mother feels guilty and
frustrated in front of the television.
Now, look at this
same scene through the eyes of the child - in this case Zachary. We
parents get accustomed to looking at this scene through our "adult
eyes" and miss the opportunity to understand from our child's
perspective.
Imagine that you are
in the middle of a good book and your spouse says, "It's time for
bed." In spite of your response, "No, I'm not ready just
yet," you are helped unwillingly up the stairs, your clothes are
removed and you are forced into taking a bath. Consider how you are
feeling. Are you feeling disrespected, violated, angry, devalued or
controlled? You may be thinking, "Yes, but a two-year-old doesn't
feel this way - it's not the same, he's not an adult, besides, I'm the
parent."
True, the child is
not yet an adult. However he IS a person, has feelings and is at an
important growth stage of wanting independence and experimenting with how
to have his choices be known and honored. This is the beginning of his
being an individual - he is establishing his separateness from his
parents and is exploring his competence and capabilities.
Many times going to
bed is not the issue, he may be tired and ready. Yet the command of being
told what to do and when to do it brings up a feeling of being
controlled. Isn't it true that this is often our reaction as adults when
we are "commanded" in the same way? The issue becomes one of
wanting control over ourselves and what happens to us. In this scene with
Zachary and Mother, Zachary does not feel understood and it causes the
struggle to escalate. Also, as Mother continues to overpower Zachary, he
feels unloved and rejected and Mother is left feeling pretty much the
same way.
Bedtime can be a
special time between children and parents as it is natural for us to
desire closeness or connectedness before going to sleep. Often times,
however, parents have over-burdened themselves during the day and so they
are eager to get the child in bed as soon as possible so they can have
some quiet time for themselves. This can cause the child to feel that his
parents are trying to "get rid of him." In our bedtime struggle
story, Zachary's desire for more closeness is expressed through wanting a
drink and "going potty" which results in more tension between
he and his mom and both feeling hurt and rejected.
So, consider these
questions: What did Zachary want in our story? More importantly, what
does your child want?
- To declare his
independence or sense of self.
- To feel close or
connected with his parent.
- To feel a sense of
control over what happens to him.
- To feel respected and
heard.
How can you, as a
parent, give your child what he wants and needs and still have him go to
bed in a timely manner?
- Respect your needs. Take
care of yourself during the day so you are not feeling hassled and
frazzled at your child's bedtime. Set your child's bedtime at an
hour that allows you some solitude and/or "couple
time"with your partner after your child goes to bed.
- Whenever possible, have
both parents be a part of the bedtime ritual. Bedtime is more fun
and less of a burden when both parents participate.
- Start your bedtime ritual
forty-five minutes to one hour before your child's actual bedtime
hour to avoid unnecessary stress and struggle. This process should
be a winding down time, in other words, eliminate activities that
would excite the child such as rough-housing or tickling.
- Respect his sense of time
by telling him that bedtime is in 15 minutes, allowing him to
complete a particular activity before his actual bedtime hour.
- Offer choices instead of
orders. Your child will have a feeling of control over what happens
to him when given choices. For example, you might say, "Do you
want your dad to help you with your bath or me?" Or "Do
you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?" Or
"Do you want to sleep with your gorilla or your kitty?"
- Create a bedtime ritual
with your child's help and advice. For example, read a story,
snuggle, give three stuffed animals to kiss, give a hug and two
kisses and leave the room singing a song. Routine is particularly
important from at least 12 months of age through age two. The
routine needs to have a quality of sameness or routine -- the same
order or the same song -- to provide a sense of security.
- Create closeness. For
example:
- Talk about
"Remember When," such as "Remember when we went
camping and that raccoon got into our food?" Or "I
remember when you were a baby and loved to have your tummy
rubbed."
- Listen to your child's
feeling about the day.
- Say three things that
you love about eachother. Start each statement with, "What I
love about you is..." and complete it with a specific thing
that you love. For instance, "What I love about you is the way
you helped put your books away today," or "What I love
about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits."
- Ask the following
questions that allow your child to share more about himself:
- "What was the best
thing that happened to you today?"
- "What was the worst
thing that happened to you today?"
- "What was the
silliest thing that happened to you today?"
- Some children may talk
more freely with the lights out. Try to discover what is most
encouraging to your child in enhancing your communication together.
- After you have completed your
bedtime routine, leave your child's room. Explain to to your child
ONCE when you start this new routine, "If you come out of the
room for any reason other than emergency, I will lovingly guide or
carry you back to your room." "I will not talk to you after
saying goodnight and closing the bedroom door."
It is essential that
you do not talk to your child after the bedtime routine is complete. Your
child will pay more attention to your actions than your words. Further,
if you continue to talk to your child, you are more likely to get into a
verbal power struggle about going to bed. If you discover yourself
saying, "Didn't you hear what I said? I told you to go to bed and I
wasn't going to talk anymore!" Stop talking and take loving action
by guiding your child back to bed. You may have to guide your child back
to his room several times, particularly at the beginning because children
will test their parents. However, as the week progresses, bedtime will
become more pleasant for both you and your child.
You can make bedtime
a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication and fun. By
involving your children in the decision-making process and spending this
special time with them, they will feel valued and respected. By setting
limits, you will gain the respect of your children and build their
self-esteem.
Helen Hall is a
pediatric Nurse Practitioner for the FM 1960 Pediatric Center and Learning/Development
Center, both in Houston, Texas. Helen also teaches parenting
educators through the International Network for Children and Families.
Kathryn Kvols is
the president of the International Network for Children and Families and
the author of Redirecting
Children's Behavior. She is also a national speaker and workshop
leader.
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