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Fighting Siblings
- "What Do I Do?"
- by Shirley King
Bill Cosby once said,
"You aren't really a parent until you've had your second
child." Parents of one child won't really understand this. Parents
of two or more children will relate to this statement immediately. He was
referring to the seemingly constant bickering and fighting between
brothers and sisters.
However, having more
than one child can provide opportunities for them to learn many things.
They are learning how to share, how to be a friend, how to love and get
along with others, and how to cooperate among themselves in relation to
their brothers and sisters. There are many positive aspects to family
life with more than one child, although many parents would say, "Not
in my family!”
This continual
fighting between siblings is one of the major frustrations parents have.
They feel that nothing they are doing is working. Parents' typical
reactions to fighting include: screaming "Shut-up! You're driving me
crazy!” taking sides, threats, accusations, dismissing negative
feeling, and solving children's problems for them. All of these reactions
only add fuel to the fire.
Instead of reacting
to the fighting, parents can choose to be pro-active. They can stay out
of the fights in a nonjudgmental way. Children need to be able to settle
things for themselves. Parents can teach negotiation skills later during
a calm period. Teach your child to say "I'll give you these blocks
for those." This will help them learn win-win skills that will be
there when they are needed now and useful in the future.
Another thing parents
can do is show confidence that their children will work things out.
"I see two children and one doll, and I know you two can work things
out together so both of you are happy." Believe it and walk out of
the room. You'll be surprised.
Or, the parent can
get down on the children's level and lovingly put a hand out. They will
give you the toy. Carol DeVeny, a local daycare owner, was skeptical at
first. However, she reported that the two toddlers stopped the fight,
gave her the toy, and said "We share, Mommy." Carol said it
brought tears to her eyes to see this.
And finally, parents
need to remember to affirm and accept feeling. All feelings are O.K., but
not all actions are. A parent can say, "You felt very angry at your
sister because she broke your truck. You can tell her with words, not
hitting." Keep in mind that the bad feelings need to come out before
we can get to the good feelings.
When parents react to
hostility with hostility, they are unwittingly promoting sibling rivalry.
Future generations will need the skills of negotiation and cooperation in
their businesses and personal relationships. Parents can begin now to
teach their children these important skills. Think about what an
incredible difference this can make in their lives!
Shirley King is a Boise Family Magazine Columnist
& Redirecting Children's Behavior instructor.
Copyright ©
1995 Boise Idaho by Shirley King - All Rights
Reserved
Here are links to two great books in our bookstore that deal with
sibling rivalry and sibling fighting:
Siblings
Without Rivalry
Help! The Kids are at it Again!
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