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My Rating Has
Dropped!
- by Tim Jordan, M.D.
"He’s the
brightest in his class!"
"He’s been
the top goal scorer on his team for 5 years!"
"Isn’t she
gorgeous - she’s the prettiest girl in her class!"
"I don’t care
about the 6 A’s - how come you got a B in science?"
"Thank God
for Suzie - with all the problems we’ve had with Billy, I don’t know what
we’d do if she wasn’t so good!"
Ever wondered what
kids make of these kind of statements? How they interpret them? What they
allow it to mean about themselves?
A 9 year old boy I’ll
call Eric came into my office with his mom one day because he’d been in
trouble several times at school over the previous two weeks. Not big
trouble. More like normal nine year old boy mischief. He had joined a
"club" of other third grader boys and the group had been caught
trying to charge another boy an "entry fee" to get into their
exclusive club. Another day he and a new friend had teased another child
till they were in tears, in yet another episode of "playground
politics." Seemingly harmless mischief, yet his parents were fit-to-be-tied.
From his parent’s
perspective, Eric had always been so good, so bright, kind of a
golden-haired boy. He’s mom, with great pride and intensity in her voice,
told me in front of Eric, how he was the brightest boy in his class. And
that she and his dad were so upset because the trouble with his new
friends had caused him to be less motivated about finishing his
schoolwork, that he wasn’t trying his hardest. And that if his grades
continued to slip, he’d have a hard time getting into the competitive
school they had their eyes on for him for 7th grade. Whew! It was
exhausting for me to hear, the intensity of mom’s fears. I wondered how
it felt for her 9 year old.
Eric initially sat
upright in his chair, listening intently to his mom’s speech. He shared
his viewpoint a few times, but was quickly overshadowed by his mom’s
fervor. When she talked about him being the brightest in his class,
Eric’s shoulders drooped a little. When mom complained that he wasn’t
trying his hardest, his whole body and spirit slumped in the chair.
"What are you
feeling right now, listening to your mom?"
"I don’t
know, I’ve heard it before."
"You look
discouraged right now on the outside. What are you feeling inside?"
"Sad,"
he said quietly. Tears welled up in his eyes as he sank a little lower in
his chair.
"Why
sad?" I asked. Then came the pay dirt.
"I feel like
my rating has dropped."
Wow! At this point
his mom started to cry, and she reached over and held his hand. For the
first time that day she was quiet, her fear for his future having been
replaced by her love for him in the moment.
When kids hear
comments like the ones at the beginning of this article, they interpret
them in many ways. But I think the most common way is to see them as
pressure. Pressure to not make mistakes. Pressure to be a certain way and
to live up to a code of expectations laid out by well meaning parents.
These pressures
motivate some kids for a while to try hard, to compete. They very much
want their parent’s approval. But as they get into middle school age,
pleasing their parents becomes less important than what their friends
think, and their former motivation now has no power. We’ve seen lots of
these bright, former high achievers become unmotivated,
do-enough-to-just-get-by teenagers.
Others may continue
to push on, working hard to be the best, constantly striving to prove
themselves and meet other people’s high expectations. These high
expectations later on become their own measuring sticks. I’ve worked with
thousands of unhappy teens and adults who have made it, become successful
as far as titles, jobs, income. But they’re miserable. They can’t turn
off that never ending tape inside them that says it’s never enough; gotta
do more; gotta find a new challenge. Constantly restless and empty. I
know that feeling myself.
Eric was sad because
he felt like he was disappointing his parents letting them down. And he
felt like I won’t be loved unless I achieve, unless I’m the best. In
reality, he was just going through some normal growing pains. He’d always
been a fairly sedentary kid, preferring to spend time with books or in
front of a computer to being outside playing with friends.
Intellectually, he was advanced for his age, but he lagged a little
behind in his social skills. He had been trying his best at school for 4
years. And his recent mischief was the result of his forays into the
world of grade school playground politics. He was learning about making
friends, about being a friend, about relationships. Very important stuff
for 9 years old. Actually more important than his studies in the long
run. Learning that he’d put off in his quest to be the brightest. Eric
was trying to find some balance between schoolwork and friends, (not
unlike many of your struggles with finding balance between work and home and
friends as adults). And he was making some mistakes, as we all doing our
learning process.
I know Eric’s
parents. They have worked very hard to educate themselves about kids and
parenting. They’ve done an awesome job with Eric. And, like many parents
today, they got caught up in the current cultural trend that everyone
should be an A student, excel at sports, be involved in 30 activities.
Yes sir, no room for average today! Every kids needs to be trying their
best ALWAYS or they get flak. YUK!
I suggested to Eric’s
mom that they eliminate words and phrases like best, brightest, we don’t
care about your grades as long as you try your hardest 24 hours a day, 7
days a week, 52 weeks a year. Eric, like most bright kids, loves to
learn; loves to meet a challenge head on. And once they’ve mastered the
challenge, they can say with pride that "I did it!" Eric needs
to be able to look at his parents and see unconditional love and pride.
To know he is loved because of who he is, not for what he does. The only
rating that Eric needs is his own internal sense of who he is. His own
sense of accomplishment.
Thank goodness kids
don’t give out quarterly report cards on their parents. I might be
spending some time in the principal’s office!
With his wife,
Anne Jordan, R.N., Dr. Jordan ownes and runs the Children & Families, Inc. of St.
Louis out of which he operates his private practice, in addition to
teaching and training instructors for numerous courses including,
Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB); Redirecting for Cooperative
Classrooms (RCC), a six week course for teachers; Kids Camp and Teens
Camp, a summer camp that encourages leadership, self responsibility, and
high self-esteem. Children and Families, Inc. is here to teach and
support you in new ways of growing. A wide variety of courses is offered
by Children and Families, Inc., including the areas of parenting,
personal growth, marriage enhancement and self-esteem camps for children
and teens.
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