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Dealing With Power
Struggles
- by Karan Sims
Most parents first
experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age two. They feel
challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout
childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times into a
rewarding growth period for them and their children by shifting their
perspective concerning the child's behavior and by becoming clever and
creative in responding to the child's perceived "headstrong,
rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior.
Empowering not
Overpowering
Instead of viewing
children's willful behavior as "bad" and reacting in a way that
overpowers the child, parents can view this behavior as a healthy
positive sign of their child's development and find ways to empower the
child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals in the
developmental process, children are individuating from their parents and
the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves,
exerting their power and will on persons and situations, getting their own
way, declaring ownership and authority.
When parents react by
overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all
humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or
her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight - either giving
in and letting others make all the decisions and maintain all control or
fighting to seek power through rebellious and destructive behaviors.
Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a
positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful and
valuable and deal with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting and
create cooperative relationships that empower both the child and the
parents.
The First Step is
to Side-Step
The first step to
effectively and positively deal with power struggles is to side-step the
power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other end of the
rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready for a nap.
"NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied,
"Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry
you?" "I want you to carry me upside down and tickle me as we
go."
The mother realized
that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle and by
side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created an
ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than hateful and
painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power struggle,
you send your child the message "I am not going to fight with you. I
am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and I'm not
going to give in, either."
Choices, Not
Orders
After side-stepping
the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not orders. A
father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the wishes of
the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the change
made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again at the
diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child
and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper
was changed and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was
ended.
When giving children
choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don't give
your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the
restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.
Also be sure you
don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic choices
are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at
all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to
give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.
Choices should not
represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child
"You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates
fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.
Find Useful Ways
for your Child to be Powerful
Whenever you find
yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself,
"How can I give my child more power in this situation?" One
mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was
having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that
she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that
everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.
Do the Unexpected
One parent side-steps
power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a treat" when
she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose is not to
"reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with
her children and keep her end goal of a close, loving and cooperative
atmosphere in mind.
Getting to Win-Win
Power struggles often
feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A win-win solution
is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted.
Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their children
by responding to a child’s demands, "That sounds like a good way for
you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think
of a solution that works for both of us?"
Handling
"NO"
Parents often have
the attitude that children should not say NO to or question authority.
However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy into the media
campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child’s NO as a
disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say
NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in mind that you
want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and inappropriate
situations.
Powerlessness
Creates Revenge
Children who are
overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power through
revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will often
engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age two
and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at age
16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running
away and suicide.
When children act out
in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are most often feeling
powerless and discouraged about a positive way to contribute and know
that their actions count. Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who
becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions and has the
confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the
future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at
being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.
Karan Sims is a
Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor for the International Network
for Children and Families.
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