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9 Things to do
Instead of Spanking
- by Kathryn Kvols
Research confirms
what many parents instinctively feel when they don’t like to spank their
child, but they don’t know what else to do. The latest research from Dr.
Murray Strauss at the Family Research Laboratory affirms that spanking
teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their
problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more violence, the very thing
our society is so concerned about. This research further shows that
children who have been spanked are more prone to low self-esteem, depression
and accept lower paying jobs as adults. So, what do you do instead?
1 - Get Calm
First, if you feel
angry and out of control and you want to spank or slap your child, leave
the situation if you can. Calm down and get quiet. In that quiet time you
will often find an alternative or solution to the problem. Sometimes
parents lose it because they are under a lot of stress. Dinner is boiling
over, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and your child drops
the can of peas and you lose it. If you can’t leave the situation, then
mentally step back and count to ten.
2 - Take Time for
Yourself
Parents are more
prone to use spanking when they haven’t had any time to themselves and
they feel depleted and hurried. So, it is important for parents to take some
time for themselves to exercise, read, take a
walk or pray.
3 - Be Kind but
Firm
Another frustrating
situation where parents tend to spank is when your child hasn’t listened
to your repeated requests to behave. Finally, you spank to get your child
to act appropriately. Another solution in these situations is to get down
on your child’s level, make eye contact, touch him gently and tell him,
in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is you want him to do. For
example, “I want you to play quietly.
4 - Give Choices
Giving your child a
choice is an effective alternative to spanking. If she is playing with
her food at the table ask, Would you like to stop playing with your food
or would you like to leave the table?” If the child continues to play
with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping her down from the
table. Then tell her that she can return to the table when she is ready
to eat her food without playing in it.
5 - Use Logical
Consequences
Consequences that are
logically related to the behavior help teach children responsibility. For
example, your child breaks a neighbor’s window and you punish him by
spanking him. What does he learn about the situation? He may learn to
never do that again, but he also learns that he needs to hide his mistakes,
blame it on someone else, lie, or simply not get caught. He may decide
that he is bad or feel anger and revenge toward the parent who spanked
him. When you spank a child, he may behave because he is afraid to get
hit again. However, do you want your child to behave because he is afraid
of you or because he respects you?
Compare that
situation to a child who breaks a neighbor’s window and his parent says,
“I see you’ve broken the window, what will you do to repair it?” using a
kind but firm tone of voice. The child decides to mow the neighbor’s lawn
and wash his car several times to repay the cost of breaking the window.
What does the child learn in this situation? That
mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn’t so important
that he made the mistake but that he takes responsibilty
to repair the mistake. The focus is taken off the mistake and put on
taking responsibility for repairing it. The child feels no anger or
revenge toward his parent. And most importantly the child’s self-esteem
is not damaged.
6 - Do Make Ups
When children break
agreements, parents tend to want to punish them An alternative is to have
your child do a make-up. A make-up is something that people do to put
themselves back into integrity with the person they broke the agreement
with. For example, several boys were at a sleep-over at Larry’s home. His
father requested that they not leave the house after midnight. The boys broke their
agreement. The father was angry and punished them by telling them they
couldn’t have a sleep-over for two months. Larry and his friends became
angry, sullen and uncooperative as a result of the punishment. The father
realized what he had done. He apologized for punishing them and told them
how betrayed he felt and discussed the importance of keeping their word.
He then asked the boys for a make-up. They decided to cut the lumber that
the father needed to have cut in their backyard. The boys became excited
and enthusiastic about the project and later kept their word on future
sleep-overs.
7 - Withdraw from
Conflict
Children who sass
back at parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation, it is
best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave the
room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, “I’ll be in the next room when you
want to talk more respectfully.
8 - Use kind but
firm action
Instead of smacking
an infant’s hand or bottom when she touches something she isn’t supposed
to, kindly but firmly pick her up and take her to the next room. Offer
her a toy or another item to distract her and say, “You can try again
later.” You may have to take her out several times if she is persistent.
9 - Inform
Children Ahead of Time
A child’s temper
tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children frequently throw tantrums
when they feel uninformed or powerless in a situation. Instead of telling
your child he has to leave his friend’s house at a moment’s notice, tell
him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows the child to
complete what he was in the process of doing.
Aggression is an
obvious form of perpetuating violence in society. A more subtle form of
this is spanking because it takes it’s toll on a
child’s self-esteem, dampening his enthusiasm and causing him to be
rebellious and uncooperative. Consider for a moment the vision of a family
that knows how to win cooperation and creatively solve their problems
without using force or violence. The alternatives are limitless and the
results are calmer parents who feel more supported.
Article Copyright ©
1995 INCAF
Kathryn Kvols is
the president of the International Network for Children and Families and
the author of Redirecting
Children’s Behavior. She is also a national speaker and workshop
leader.
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