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9
Things to do Instead of Spanking
- by Kathryn Kvols
Research
confirms what many parents instinctively feel when they don’t like to
spank their child, but they don’t know what else to do. The latest
research from Dr. Murray Strauss at the Family Research Laboratory
affirms that spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression and
violence to solve their problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more
violence, the very thing our society is so concerned about. This research
further shows that children who have been spanked are more prone to low
self-esteem, depression and accept lower paying jobs as adults. So, what
do you do instead?
1 -
Get Calm
First,
if you feel angry and out of control and you want to spank or slap your
child, leave the situation if you can. Calm down and get quiet. In that
quiet time you will often find an alternative or solution to the problem.
Sometimes parents lose it because they are under a lot of stress. Dinner
is boiling over, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and your
child drops the can of peas and you lose it. If you can’t leave the situation,
then mentally step back and count to ten.
2 -
Take Time for Yourself
Parents
are more prone to use spanking when they haven’t had any time to
themselves and they feel depleted and hurried. So, it is important for
parents to take some time for themselves to exercise, read, take a walk
or pray.
3 -
Be Kind but Firm
Another
frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is when your child
hasn’t listened to your repeated requests to behave. Finally, you spank
to get your child to act appropriately. Another solution in these
situations is to get down on your child’s level, make eye contact, touch
him gently and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is you
want him to do. For example, “I want you to play quietly.
4 -
Give Choices
Giving
your child a choice is an effective alternative to spanking. If she is
playing with her food at the table ask, Would you like to stop playing
with your food or would you like to leave the table?” If the child
continues to play with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping
her down from the table. Then tell her that she can return to the table
when she is ready to eat her food without playing in it.
5 -
Use Logical Consequences
Consequences
that are logically related to the behavior help teach children
responsibility. For example, your child breaks a neighbor’s window and
you punish him by spanking him. What does he learn about the situation?
He may learn to never do that again, but he also learns that he needs to
hide his mistakes, blame it on someone else, lie, or simply not get
caught. He may decide that he is bad or feel anger and revenge toward the
parent who spanked him. When you spank a child, he may behave because he
is afraid to get hit again. However, do you want your child to behave
because he is afraid of you or because he respects you?
Compare
that situation to a child who breaks a neighbor’s window and his parent
says, “I see you’ve broken the window, what will you do to repair it?”
using a kind but firm tone of voice. The child decides to mow the
neighbor’s lawn and wash his car several times to repay the cost of
breaking the window. What does the child learn in this situation? That
mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn’t so important that he
made the mistake but that he takes responsibilty to repair the mistake.
The focus is taken off the mistake and put on taking responsibility for
repairing it. The child feels no anger or revenge toward his parent. And
most importantly the child’s self-esteem is not damaged.
6 -
Do Make Ups
When
children break agreements, parents tend to want to punish them An
alternative is to have your child do a make-up. A make-up is something
that people do to put themselves back into integrity with the person they
broke the agreement with. For example, several boys were at a sleep-over
at Larry’s home. His father requested that they not leave the house after
midnight. The boys
broke their agreement. The father was angry and punished them by telling
them they couldn’t have a sleep-over for two months. Larry and his
friends became angry, sullen and uncooperative as a result of the
punishment. The father realized what he had done. He apologized for
punishing them and told them how betrayed he felt and discussed the
importance of keeping their word. He then asked the boys for a make-up.
They decided to cut the lumber that the father needed to have cut in
their backyard. The boys became excited and enthusiastic about the
project and later kept their word on future sleep-overs.
7 -
Withdraw from Conflict
Children
who sass back at parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation,
it is best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave
the room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, “I’ll be in the next room when
you want to talk more respectfully.
8 -
Use kind but firm action
Instead
of smacking an infant’s hand or bottom when she touches something she
isn’t supposed to, kindly but firmly pick her up and take her to the next
room. Offer her a toy or another item to distract her and say, “You can
try again later.” You may have to take her out several times if she is
persistent.
9 -
Inform Children Ahead of Time
A
child’s temper tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children frequently
throw tantrums when they feel uninformed or powerless in a situation.
Instead of telling your child he has to leave his friend’s house at a
moment’s notice, tell him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This
allows the child to complete what he was in the process of doing.
Aggression
is an obvious form of perpetuating violence in society. A more subtle
form of this is spanking because it takes it’s toll on a child’s
self-esteem, dampening his enthusiasm and causing him to be rebellious
and uncooperative. Consider for a moment the vision of a family that
knows how to win cooperation and creatively solve their problems without
using force or violence. The alternatives are limitless and the results
are calmer parents who feel more supported.
Article
Copyright © 1995 INCAF
Kathryn
Kvols is the president of the International Network for Children and
Families and the author of Redirecting
Children’s Behavior. She is also a national speaker and workshop
leader.
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