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Ten
Keys to Successful Parenting
It is
important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by
motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make
them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they
will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or
belong.
The
following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to
provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 -
Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your
child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you
spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy
lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do,
instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to
us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to
communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day,
he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is
better than being ignored.
It is
also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong.
They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never
spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is
expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her
feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since
we spent time together."
2 -
Use Action, Not Words
Statistics
say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No
wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or
yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example,
if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them
off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than
words.
3 -
Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you
don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to
help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them
choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of
a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash
vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because
we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 -
Use Natural Consequences
Ask
yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we
interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn
from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do
the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or
reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you
don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the
importance of remembering.
5 -
Use Logical Consequences
Often
the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural
consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A
consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order
for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video
and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create
resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him
and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off
the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 -
Withdraw from Conflict
If
your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking
disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the
child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again."
Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 -
Separate the Deed from the Doer
Never
tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your
child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his
behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have
healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no
matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love
from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's
self-esteem?
8 -
Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose
you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the
time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car.
She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at
school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by
picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If
in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 -
Parent with the End in Mind
Most
of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon
as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often
results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that
keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more
thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he
will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows
up.
10
- Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you
have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to
the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your
child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.
This
document is produced by the International Network for Children and
Families and the 350 instructors of the "Redirecting Children's
Behavior" course. Order
the book, "Redirecting
Children's Behavior" in our bookstore now.
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