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Dealing
With Power Struggles
- by Karan Sims
Most
parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age
two. They feel challenged and often a battle of wills begins that lasts
throughout childhood and the teen years. Parents can turn these trying
times into a rewarding growth period for them and their children by
shifting their perspective concerning the child's behavior and by
becoming clever and creative in responding to the child's perceived
"headstrong, rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative"
behavior.
Empowering
not Overpowering
Instead
of viewing children's willful behavior as "bad" and reacting in
a way that overpowers the child, parents can view this behavior as a
healthy positive sign of their child's development and find ways to
empower the child. From about the age of two, and at differing intervals
in the developmental process, children are individuating from their
parents and the world around them. This includes making decisions for
themselves, exerting their power and will on persons and situations,
getting their own way, declaring ownership and authority.
When
parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel
powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered
child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight
or flight - either giving in and letting others make all the decisions
and maintain all control or fighting to seek power through rebellious and
destructive behaviors. Parents who can shift to seeing their child's
struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child
to feel powerful and valuable and deal with power struggles in ways that
reduce fighting and create cooperative relationships that empower both
the child and the parents.
The
First Step is to Side-Step
The
first step to effectively and positively deal with power struggles is to
side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the
other end of the rope. A mother asked her two-year-old if she was ready
for a nap. "NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the
mother replied, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me
to carry you?" "I want you to carry me upside down and tickle
me as we go."
The
mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power
struggle and by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the
mother created an ending that was happy, nurturing and loving rather than
hateful and painful as nap time can often be. By side-stepping the power
struggle, you send your child the message "I am not going to fight
with you. I am not going to hurt you. I am not going to overpower you and
I'm not going to give in, either."
Choices,
Not Orders
After
side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not
orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the
wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the
change made. The child choose a room, but once in the room, balked again
at the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the
child and asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the
diaper was changed and the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes
was ended.
When
giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are
acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down
quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.
Also
be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices.
Autocratic choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child
senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices
narrowed, but try to give broad and open-ended choices whenever possible.
Choices
should not represent a punishment as one alternative. For example,
telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a
time-out" creates fear and intimidation instead of empowerment.
Find
Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful
Whenever
you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask
yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this
situation?" One mother asked herself this question concerning an
endless battle she was having with her son about buckling his seat belt.
Her solution was that she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his
job to see that everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.
Do
the Unexpected
One
parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a
treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her
purpose is not to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her
relationship with her children and keep her end goal of a close, loving
and cooperative atmosphere in mind.
Getting
to Win-Win
Power
struggles often feel like someone has to win and someone has to lose. A
win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got
what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can
assist their children by responding to a child’s demands, "That
sounds like a good way for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want
to win, too. Can you think of a solution that works for both of us?"
Handling
"NO"
Parents
often have the attitude that children should not say NO to or question
authority. However, it is interesting that most of us parents buy into
the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a
child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach
children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully and appropriately. Keep in
mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure and
inappropriate situations.
Powerlessness
Creates Revenge
Children
who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power
through revenge. They will seek to hurt others as they feel hurt and will
often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves. Revenge at age
two and three looks like talking back and messy food spills. Revenge at
age 16 or 17 looks like drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure,
running away and suicide.
When
children act out in power struggles and revengeful behavior, they are
most often feeling powerless and discouraged about a positive way to
contribute and know that their actions count. Most parents’ goals are to
raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions
and has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will
see the future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to
practice at being powerful in useful and appropriate ways.
Karan
Sims is a Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor for the
International Network for Children and Families.
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