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By
Deborah Fox
“Why
do I have to ask over and over again to the point of yelling to get my child
to do anything, and then when she does it, she does a lousy job of it?”
This is such a common parental complain! One
thing I have noticed about children’s behavior is that it usually makes
sense when viewed it from the child’s perspective. Often we expect them to make the
mistake, forget the directions, or in some way fail to meet our
expectations. We keep trying by
giving them more hints (nagging), being very clear (yelling), or
attempting to motivate them into the “right” behavior (manipulating or
making them feel guilty). Yet over
and over again, they seem as if they are not “getting it”. A dad in one of my classes, Kevin, had
been having a particular challenge with his daughter. Taryn had to have breathing treatments
for asthma, which she really disliked.
Dad’s patience with her resistance was wearing thin as this had to
happen several times a day and just was not optional. One particular time, he could see the
power struggle coming as it was time for her to take her treatment. Instead of fighting with her, he began
talking to the empty space around the breathing machine. He used comforting words as if Taryn
was sitting there and taking her treatment. The way Kevin explained it, “I talked
to the space she should be in and she asked me, ‘What are you doing?’ and
I said, ‘I’m talking to my daughter who is taking her breathing treatment’
and she jumped right into that space and took her breathing treatment!”
Kevin had a literal example of creating the
space for a child to do the right thing.
This is something I talk metaphorically about in my classes and
workshops. How can you have belief
and faith that your child will do the right thing, when they so often seem
to make poor choices? I would
assert that it’s because we expect them to fail so often so they do. When we start believing and acting as
if they will do the right thing, they will do much more of that! So what is this “creating the space”
for them to do what’s right? It
means having faith in your parenting skills, trusting their basic good
nature, and allowing for any experience to be acceptable.
Have
faith in your parenting skills. One reason moms and dads parent inconsistently is that they feel
uncertain about their parenting skills.
If you are a parent that feels guilty that you are being too
harsh, or helpless at being able to set limits and follow through, then
you need to get some confidence in your parenting skills! You can do this through, classes, books
and online resources as well.
While none of us are perfect parents, there is a term used in
parenting called, “good enough”.
If you are a good enough parent, then you have decent parenting
tools. These tools usually need to be gleaned from an outside resource as
listed above, unless you were also raised by a “good enough” parent. If you were, congratulations! Good enough parents usually convey
through role modeling good enough parenting skills to their offspring, (YOU!)
and you can be rest assured that you are parenting good enough as
well.
There are two voices that can block your
achievement in this area. The
first is the voice in your own head.
It is usually you being too harsh on yourself. If you follow this voice more deeply,
you may see the connection between things you heard as a child and the
details of this voice of criticism in your head. Explore this fully and work on being
gentler and kinder to yourself, giving yourself the kind words you
deserved then. This will lessen
the power of those negative thoughts to disturb your confidence in your
parenting skills now. The other more obvious voice of criticism is our
well-meaning friends and relatives.
One mom told me her best friend was such a “perfect parent” it
always made her feel bad about herself and her kids. She would try to be perfect like her
friend, wanting to follow her advice, but rarely being able to follow
through. In her heart, mom didn’t
agree with the harshness of some of the methods her friend used to get
compliant behavior from her children.
This mom valued creativity and spirit above the perfect behavior,
but so wanted her friend’s approval, that she was in nearly constant conflict
over her parenting decisions! I
advised her to love and respect her friend, and work on trusting herself
to know what is best for HER children and try not to hold her friend up
as a role model if it continued to cause her to feel bad. It’s OK to trust a friend’s advice if
we respect MOST aspects of how that friend is parenting and can use their
wisdom to make our decisions. It
will not work however if something in us feels there may be something wrong
with those parenting tools for us and our children. Becoming “good enough” is a sense
inside of you that you are doing your best and giving yourself enough
time and energy to focus on those things that give you that confidence to
have faith in your parenting skills.
Trust
your child’s basic good nature. All kids are born wanting to please you
and make you happy and proud. It is
in their basic nature to do so.
Most parents do not realize how we unknowingly train them to do
the exact opposite! When children
are small and love to help, do you encourage them and allow for age
appropriate achievement to be good enough? Or are you critical and expect more
from them then they may be capable of at that age and stage. When my kids
were little, they loved to mop the floors and wash windows. Now of course, they weren’t yet capable
of doing it “correctly”, but I loved the spirit they had doing it and
celebrated that. Over time, they
came to do their chores with accomplishment as well as pride, and that
sense of fun and achievement I instilled when they were younger.
Trusting their goodness also means trusting
their integrity. I call this a
child’s inner “Jiminy Cricket”, that sense of right and wrong born into
all humans. So much of our (poor) parenting
masks our children’s inner voice. When we judge them, yell at them, don’t
hear their side, we push their integrity way down in them, so they cannot
even reach it, and over time forget that it is even there. Instead, we need to believe in their
goodness and create space for them to do what is right. One time, my kids were waiting for me
in the car. I got in and Briana
and Michael were shouting from the backseat, “MOM! Michelle took a dollar out of your
wallet!” I looked up into the
review mirror at the tattlers in the back and said, “Peanut gallery,
enough! Sounds like you two need
to take care of yourselves!
Michelle would never take money from me!” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a
little hand carefully slipping a dollar bill back into my purse. I smiled to myself, started the car and
went on my way. I believe kids
will do the right thing if we give them a chance!
Allowing
any experience to be acceptable. While I had what I consider a good
result in the above example, many times children make poor choices. In that case, we have a dilemma. If the child has proven to be
untrustworthy, shouldn’t we become more critical and vigilant to make
sure they do the right thing? How
can I accept a poor choice? My argument
is if you continue to criticize and micromanage, they will get less
responsible, not more responsible.
What the child needs is space to do the right thing! So if a child makes a poor choice, see
this as an opportunity to get on their side, to be empathetic, to console
them and to become their safe haven when they make a mistake from which
they need to learn one of life’s lessons.
My son, Michael, had gone snowboarding with a
buddy. They couldn’t make it to
the ski resort because the road closed and he had no chains. So they pulled off the road where there
was a nice hill and spent a few hours there. When they came back to the car, Michael
was taking off his gear and his friend Rodney was trying to hurry him
up. My son is somewhat of a slow
poke when it comes to transitioning from activity to leaving! I know this from my experience with him
at the beach. If I say, “Time to
go” I can be assured it’s at least another 15 minutes of carefully
getting out of wetsuit, rinsing board, wetsuit and feet several times and
putting on clothes! If I interrupt
this transition, he will invariable forget something, a shirt, shoes or
some part of the gear. So I allow
time and space for him to make his transition. Now Rodney didn’t know this, and
neither did Michael in a conscious way.
When Michael got home and began to unpack his car late that night,
his snowboard wasn’t in the trunk!
He was shocked as he realized he had set it down beside the car
when and when Rodney hurried him, he accidently left it there! I felt bad for him, asked if he could
drive back up and look for it. He
said no way, it was over 2 hours away and in such an obvious place that
someone had surely taken it already.
I bit my lip hard from any moralizing, judging or criticizing, he
obviously felt horrible. When he
told me how Rodney had rushed him, I made the observation of how I
noticed that he needed to make his transition in his own time and has
trouble when he’s rushed. I think
he understood that as never before!
I also think he felt supported by me for understanding that, rather
than being critical of him for forgetting.
The “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” class is
full of parenting tools that assist parents in all aspects of discipline
and behavior. Wouldn’t you love to
have tools that create space for a child to become more responsible and
make better decisions? If so, join
me in Ojai for the next class beginning on July 14 at Monica Ros
School. If you don’t live in the
area, or cannot make this session, consider purchasing the book and get started
with new tools and ideas to make your summer more peaceful and fun for
you and your children. Happy
Parenting!
Deborah has
been teaching parenting classes and workshops for 15 years. She is
passionate about parenting, relationships and children.
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