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The Positive
Parenting Newsletter
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Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Winter 2001 - Volume 3.2
In this issue:
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Feature Article: Visualize the Positive
Behaviors
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Visualize the
Positive Behaviors
by Deborah Critzer
What would it be like
if our family were perfect? Not the sort of perfect that doesn't allow mistakes,
conflicts or individual differences, but the sort of perfect as in,
""Life is good, we have great kids and we're doing a pretty
decent job of parenting them and we have fun most of the time". If
that were the case what would it look like for your family?
The answer to this
question is illustrated in one of the exercises we do in the
"Redirecting" class. Close your eyes for a moment (yes, right
after you read the rest of this paragraph), visualize your family
cooperating and working well as a team, what are they doing? What are
they saying? What's the attitude or tone of voice that you and your
children are using? Use all five of your senses to really experience your
family happy and cooperative.
What did you see? How
did it feel to visualize everyone getting along? Many parents report that
it's a new experience. So often we focus on what we don't want. "I
don't want to yell, I don't want them to fight and I don't want them to
ignore me". Instead we need to constantly place our focus and our
energies on what we do want to see. Visualize them talking to each other
(and you) in a respectful tone, hear them resolving conflicts by talking
it out, listening to each other and coming to an agreement and feel the
feeling that happens when they listen to you when you make a request.
Many families are
basically happy. The problem is the parents don't know it! We are trained
in our society to be overly self-critical, to complain, to be stressed
and to never have enough or be enough. Since we are so consumed by the
things that we don't want, typically we are not even aware of what we do
want. Your family could be perfectly happy, and if you have never taken
the time to visualize (and therefore be able to identify) good times, you
would not recognize them when they showed up!
Take some time this
week or this month, to visualize family perfection. This exercise is not
just for parents! Ask your children to close their eyes and imagine the
family cooperating and working as a team. It is quite interesting to hear
their ideas of family unity! Be persistent in keeping your focus towards
what you do want. Sometimes parents are so frustrated and at their wit's
end from the negative behavior, that it is difficult or even impossible
to visualize the positive. The next article should give you some help in
making the shift from negative to positive.
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Special Feature: Ideas to See the
Positive Intention
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Ideas to See the
Positive Intention
So often as parents we
see the behavior of our children as negative or bad. We think that they
are "out to get us", "make our lives miserable" or
even that they are "terrors, brats or demons". (Yes, one parent
did actually characterize her child's behavior by calling him a demon).
Here are some ideas for looking at their behavior from another
perspective.
Mom walked into the
kitchen to her two-year-old son smashing grapes on the floor. Her first
instinct was to yell at him for making a mess (she was one of those
"keeps everything really clean" moms). She took a deep breath
and put herself in his shoes as she watched the intensity with which he
was smashing grapes. He didn't even notice her presence. She saw him take
a grape into his hand, look at it, place it on the floor and carefully
stomp his foot upon it, remove his foot and observe the resultant smashed
remains. She walked quietly toward him, got on his level and let him show
her all about what he was doing. He was so excited and babbling all about
it! Mom listened to him chatter all about it for awhile and when he was
satisfied, she gently transitioned to cleaning up with him, teaching him
to be responsible after his experiment.
When my son was about
7, he decided to "fix" my front door for me. He got a
screwdriver and removed the door jam piece and then put it back on.
Unfortunately, it was even worse now, the door wouldn't shut at all. I
felt very frustrated and wanted to get mad at him for making it worse. It
was near bedtime and I couldn't go to sleep with the front door open!
However, I could see how much he wanted to help and fix it. I took a deep
breath and made myself choose patience. Together, we looked at why it
wasn't closing and I talked him through screwing it on so the door could
close. I realized how much he like taking things apart, yet his ability
to "fix" them just wasn't quite developed yet. I have since
made it a point to buy used stereos ($2 at a garage sale), computers, and
other equipment that looks fun to take apart. He really likes to investigate
how things work and he especially likes smashing, hammering, prying and
otherwise ripping the stuff apart. His interest in how things work is
redirected into items that don't need to be operational for our house to
run smoothly.
When you see your
child being mischievous, take the time to look at the situation from his
perspective. Discover something positive or good about the behavior. This
is the way that delinquent teens are reached and guided to a new path in
life. Someone takes the time to see the artistic talent behind the
graffiti, or the mechanical talent behind the car thieving, or the
quality of nurturing and capacity to help others behind the promiscuity.
Focus on the positive intention, no matter how small and insignificant it
seems, honor it, help it grow and see how you can be the most positive
influence in your child's developing greatness.
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Special Feature: Parenting Authority
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How is Your
Parental Authority?
By Deborah Critzer
Parental authority is
probably the most important yet least understood quality for effective
parenting. Many parents attempt to increase their parental authority with
tools that actually result in undermining their authority. Below are
listed some observations of the ways in which great parents hurt and help
their parental authority.
hurts
Inconsistency - The general rule is that
the children can't sleep in your bed. One or two nights a week though,
you let them crawl in bed with you. Then you wonder why they want to
sleep with you every night. You also wonder why you have to fight with
them to sleep in their own bed.
helps
Trustworthiness - Make sure that you are
consistent with rules. If you want to have your parental authority
respected, then the kids need to trust in the way you operate. If they
have learned that you change your mind when they whine long enough, then
they will whine long enough and then some until you give in. If they have
come to trust you when you say "yes" or "no", they
will respect your authority more willingly.
hurts
Lecturing - Using too many words with
children can undermine your authority. For example, "How many times
have I told you to pick up your mess in the living room? Don't you know
how busy I am, I'm not your slave"! It doesn't end here. Typically,
we as parents, in our concern, lecture and remind on a daily basis on
this issue, without seeing the child change his behavior.
helps
Conciseness - State what you want the
child to do and what the outcome will be. Choose your words intentionally
and specifically so that each word is clear and has meaning. For example,
"When the living room is picked up, you can go outside and
play". If the child tries to engage you in a negotiation, repeat
your sentence EXACTLY as before, in the same tone and with the same words
(this is called the broken record routine).
hurts
Hypocrisy - This can undermine parental
authority more than anything else can. Telling our children to keep their
rooms clean and yet keeping our room a disaster, is hypocrisy and the kids
love to point out it out!
helps
Integrity - The manner in which we live
our life can impact our parental authority in a positive way if we live
with integrity. If we expect our children to be kind, they should see us
showing kindness to others. If we expect them to be charitable, we need
to model giving to others. Children come to respect us, not because we
tell them to, but because we live our lives in a manner that has the
result of a child feeling respectful towards us.
Recognition of these
qualities is 90% of the effort it takes to change them (if you need to)
or remember to use them when applicable. When your parental authority is
strong, you will have much greater influence on your child's behavior.
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Special Feature: Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
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Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
8 Years Old
- Does everything fast.
- Feels extremely sensitive
to perceived criticism from others.
- Experiences self-doubt.
- Hard on himself for
making mistakes.
- Exaggerates his problems
and dilemmas.
- Wants a lot of
communication with his primary caretaker.
- Frequently asks,
"What?"
- Highly aware of others'
mistakes and points them out
- Is not a good
self-starter.
- Loves to argue.
- Wants to wear what other
kids are wearing.
- Is accident prone
- May refuse to take baths.
- Has strong interest in
possessions. May hoard or gloat over them.
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
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Success Stories
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Sunscreen Dilemma
Patience Brings New Insight
Dad was helping the kids
get ready for summer camp. He squirted some sunscreen in his hand and
called for 7 year old Max to come get some on. Max stood where he was and
refused to come. Dad made his request a second time and Max just stared
at him with the "look" (of refusal). Dad was well aware of that
look on his son's face. He envisioned the coming scene of holding down
his squirming screaming son while attempting to spread the lotion. Dad
knew a no-win power struggle was about to happen. He stared at the
sunscreen in his hand, and stared at his son across the room. Dad stared
back and forth between the sunscreen and his son for a good 5 minutes! He
wasn't sure what to do, but he wasn't going to fight and he wasn't going
to give in. Finally Max said that he didn't like that sunscreen, he liked
the other one in the closet. Dad got the other sunscreen and Max
willingly let Dad put it on. Dad realized in those minutes of silence how
important it was to allow his son time to think and figure out how to
communicate his needs. Too often he is rushed and in his frustration
"melts down". Way to go Dad!!!
Max Miller, RCB
Grad, 1995 &2000
Mom Build's
Self-Esteem
Mom usually had a
rule about the computer. If the kids wanted to play their games, they
could do that on their own. She stayed out of it. When Mom got her
homework assignment after Week 2 to have her children teach her something
new, she decided to relax the rule. She asked her young son to teach her
how to play his computer game. He was extremely excited! He showed her
how to use the mouse and where to click to make the game work and was
just beaming and proud to teach his mom this new skill! Way to build your
child's self-esteem, Mom!
Tracie
Fickenscher, Ventura
Broken Record
Routine Works!
A 2-½ year old
daughter wouldn't get her diaper changed and wanted to play with Dad. Dad
said, "I want to play with you, as soon as you have a clean diaper
on, then we can play." His daughter said, No, no! I want to play
NOW!" Dad calmly and firmly repeated his statement. She balked
again. He repeated himself again. Dad said after the 4th or 5th time she
finally went and got a diaper and let him change it so they could play.
Great work, Dad!
Mitch Lijewski. Thousand Oaks
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