|
Parenting 2K
by Deborah Critzer
Has parenting changed
all that much this millennium? Along with many other advances in society,
it certainly has. Now is a good time to look at the past, the present and
decide on a direction for the future. The practice of parenting needs
some attention. What have we missed and how should we proceed?
The past thousand
years has not been kind to children. For most of the past millennium the
phrase "Children are meant to be seen and not heard” was literal.
Additionally, all child-rearing practices prior to this century included
regular beating of children. Children were thought to be born evil and
needed the devil beaten out of them. Many children perished and continue
to do so as a result of this philosophy. I do not think children did the
awful things they are doing today, however the adults grown from these
practices certainly did. Though there were no school shootings, there
were witch-hunts, public torture, killings and rampant domestic violence
led by the adults and observed by the children.
In the last 100-200
years our view of children has begun to change. The prevailing philosophy
of some (certainly not all) is that children are born good, and that with
respect, nurturing, and loving guidance, they can become well rounded,
responsible, successful adults. This is a new concept, never before
tested in industrialized society. Has it been working? The results appear
to be mixed. On the one hand we have children succeeding in school,
creating businesses, and advocating causes. We also have kids killing
others. Children are more capable of expressing their feelings and
opinions, verbalizing wisdom and perception beyond our belief. Children
are also displaying unprecedented disrespect and disregard towards
parents and others.
It appears that we
are at a critical point. Should we turn back and reclaim the past, or
forge ahead with new ideas into the future? If we choose to continue
pursuing this new philosophy of parenting, we need to focus on
understanding its effect on children and our responsibility in giving
them the full benefit of its potential. Let's look at 4 aspects of the
new parenting philosophy and see how we can improve the results.
Children are born
good. The
change in belief from children being evil to children being inherently
good comes from simply looking at your newborn baby and seeing the
perfection, innocence and complete dependence their vulnerability
creates. This is the basis for unconditional love and the concept
"address the behavior, not the child". Anything "bad"
or "evil" is a result of the child's reaction to events in its
environment or biochemical unbalances in their system. When our children
misbehave, it is important to remember the goodness in them is
temporarily distorted and that they are discouraged. Discipline from the
viewpoint, "I love you and I know you are a good person, this
behavior is inappropriate, here is a better way".
Treat children and
ourselves with respect. One of the greatest errors made by parents that are
respectful of their children is that they forget respect for themselves
in the process. I believe this error is one of the main reasons for the
disrespect we see in children. YES! It is important that we respect our
children, talk with respect, listen to them, and acknowledge their
feelings and ideas. However, if we do this without taking care of our
needs, it creates children that think the world is here to serve them,
and they become utterly disrespectful of others in the process. To
improve this we need to take good care of our needs by placing firm,
loving limits on children's incessant demands. The opportunity for growth
is changing from only respecting the child to an idea of mutual respect.
Nurturing our
children. To
nurture is to educate, rear and nourish In the larger perspective nurture
is "the various environmental forces, which combined, act on an
organism and further its existence". Various environmental forces?
Could this be the answer to the mixed results we get in being a nurturing
parent? The horrors our children are exposed to at such a young
vulnerable age through media violence and the reality of the news are
nurturing them. We must seriously consider the impact this has on our
children and what we can do. There is no past wisdom to depend on; we
parents must decide how it ought to be handled. I think that we need to
protect them from what we can by monitoring their exposure, and more importantly,
being heavily involved in their interpretation of the things that they do
see and hear.
Providing loving
guidance. The
most important idea for the emerging parenting philosophy to succeed is
our deep involvement in our children's lives. We must guide them through
their childhood with time, patience and dedication to their emotional
health. If we spend time with our children when they watch TV or play
video games, we are much more likely to pick up on their clues that
something is wrong. If a news report is scary, we need to be there to
discuss it with our child and help them understand. When they act out in
frustration, we need to take the time to look more deeply into their
discouragement and help them sort through what is wrong.
Let us proceed with
faith that we can become the kind of parents that hope and dream for our
children, at the same time realize our limitations and challenges. We can
inspire our children to believe in themselves by our compassion and
loving guidance. Most of all we need to realize that in order for this
new parenting philosophy to work, we must spend a great deal more time
influencing our children. This is the most important task we will
accomplish in our life, let's do it well!
top of page
|
