|
> Splash Page
> Main Menu
> Read Current Issue
> Browse Previous Issues
> Subscribe Online
> Submit a Success Story
> Newsletter Sponsorship
> Current Class Schedule
> Parenting Classes
> Workshop Topics
> Speaking Engagements
> Tips and Articles
> Multimedia Resources
> Web Links for Parents
> Web Links for Teachers
> Books
for Parents of Kids Under Five
> Books
for Parents of Teenagers
> Books
for Parents of Kids of All Ages
> Audio
and Video
> Specials
> Class
Registration
> About Positive Parenting
> About the Web Site
> Contact Us
|
|
|
The Positive
Parenting Newsletter
|
|
Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Winter 1999 - Volume 2.5
In this issue:
|
|
Feature Article: A Christmas Story
|
|
A Christmas Story
It's just a small,
white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name,
no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of
our tree for the past 10 years or so.
It all began because
my husband Mike hated Christmas---oh, not the true meaning of Christmas,
but the commercial aspects of it, over spending...the frantic running
around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting
powder for Grandma---the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think
of anything else.
Knowing he felt this
way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so
forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration
came in an unusual way.
Our son Kevin, who
was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he
attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match
against a team sponsored by an inner-city church, mostly black. These
youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the
only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys
in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes.
As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was
wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a
wrestler's ears.
It was a luxury the
ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them.
We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the
mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of
street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.
Mike, seated beside
me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have
won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like
this could take the heart right out of them."
Mike loved kids-all
kids-and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball
and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon,
I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of
wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city
church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note
inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me.
His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in
succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition---one year
sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game,
another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned
to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.
The envelope became
the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on
Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand
with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the
tree to reveal its contents.
As the children grew,
the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost
its allure. The story doesn't end there.
You see, we lost Mike
last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was
still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas
Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was
joined by three more.
Each of our children,
unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their
dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with
our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation
watching as their fathers take down the envelope. Mike's spirit, like the
Christmas spirit, will always be with us.
May we all remember
Each Other, and their interpretation of the reason for the season, and
the true spirit this year and always. God bless---pass this along to your
friends and loved ones.
Happy Holidays!
top of page
|
|
Special Feature: Use One Word
|
|
Use One Word
What do you do when
your kids leave things around the house? Try using one word. This tip for
preventing power struggles is my all time favorite parenting tool! When you
notice your child has left his shoes in the living room, say,
"SHOES!" in a friendly voice. In our house, one of the rules is
that every one puts their dishes in the sink when they are through
eating. If someone forgets, I say, "Bowl!" My children usually
respond with, "Ooops! I forgot!" and do the job.
Why does this work so
well? Because it is a friendly reminder and the children are less likely
to become defensive and argue with you. Using one word is mutually
respectful. We get the behavior we want and our children do what they are
supposed to do without feeling powerless or losing self-esteem. TRUE
parental power results when we don’t have to yell, scream and nag and we
win our child’s cooperation in behaving responsibly. Try using one word
today and discover the joy of cooperation!
top of page
|
|
Special Feature: More on School Work
|
|
More on Schoolwork
by Deborah Critzer
In the last issue of
this newsletter there was an article of homework tips. Hopefully, you found
them helpful and have started some new systems for taking the hassles out
of homework. I had an interesting experience recently that I want to
relate and then add a few more tips to the list.
About a week before
parent conferences, Michelle, my 9 year old, was saying that she didn’t
want me to go to her conference. She would get really upset and say,
"You can’t go! You’re not going!" I was stumped. I kept asking
her why she didn’t want me to go and wondering what she had done that she
didn’t want me to find out about! A couple of days before the conference,
we were having our nightly bedtime chat and she suddenly said,
"That’s not fair, you get to see my report card before I do!" I
was speechless. I thought for a moment and realized that I have always taught
my kids that their schoolwork is theirs. So this was HER effort, HER
work, HER job and by gosh, HER grades! I said, "Michelle, you are
absolutely RIGHT! I never thought about it before, but those are YOUR
grades and I have no right to see them before you do! I’ll make sure your
teacher lets you see them before me at conference, OK?" She nodded
and triumphantly went to sleep. I didn’t get another complaint from her
and she got to review her report card (with some hesitance from the
teacher!) before I did. So here are some additional tips for teaching
your child ownership of his/her homework:
- Watch use of pronouns.
Notice when you say, "We need to work on our homework."
Replace it with, "You need to work on your homework, would you
like me to help you?"
- When you offer to help,
become clear about your role. Providing support means asking my
child to read me the directions (or read the directions to her)
until she figures out what she needs to do.
- Ask questions. Questions
encourage your child to think, "What do you think that
means?", "How could you make that happen?" or
"What do you need to do?”
- Ask their opinion first.
When your child brings you a graded paper, find out her feelings
about it first. Look for signs of excitement or discouragement and
make a comment, "You look proud" or "You look
bummed".
top of page
|
|
Special Feature: Perfect Little Angel
|
|
Perfect Little
Angel
I had offered to
watch my 3-year-old daughter, Ramanda, so that my wife could go out with a
friend. I was getting some work done while Ramanda appeared to be having
a good time in the other room. No problem, I figured. But then it got a
little too quiet and I yelled out, "What are you doing,
Ramanda?" No response. I repeated my question and heard her say,
"Oh...nothing." Nothing? What does "nothing" mean? I
got up from my desk and ran out into the living room, whereupon I saw her
take off down the hall. I chased her up the stairs and watched her as her
little behind made a hard left into the bedroom. I was gaining on her!
She took off for the bathroom. Bad move. I had her cornered. I told her
to turn around. She refused. I pulled out my big, mean, authoritative
Daddy voice, "Young lady, I said turn around!" Slowly, she
turned toward me. In her hand was what was left of my wife's new
lipstick. And every square inch of her face was covered with bright red
(except her lips of course)! As she looked up at me with fearful eyes,
lips trembling, I heard every voice that had been shouted to me as a child.
"How could you...You should know better than that...How many times
have you been told...What a bad thing to do..." It was just a matter
of my picking out which old message I was going to use on her so that she
would know what a bad girl she had been. But before I could let loose, I
looked down at the sweatshirt my wife had put on her only an hour before.
In big letters it said, "I'M A PERFECT LITTLE ANGEL!" I looked
back up into her tearful eyes and instead of seeing a bad girl who didn't
listen, I saw a child of God...a perfect little angel full of worth,
value and a wonderful spontaneity that I had come dangerously close to
shaming out of her. "Sweetheart, you look beautiful! Let's take a
picture so Mommy can see how special you look." I took the picture and
thanked God that I didn't miss the opportunity to reaffirm what a perfect
little angel He had given me.
top of page
|
|
Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
|
|
Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
2 Years Old
- Has difficulty making
decisions; changes her mind even when you know she wants what is
being offered
- Throws temper tantrums,
which can be violent
- Demands that things
remain the same
- May favor one parent over
the other
- Is bossy and demanding
- May start to stutter
- Thumb sucking may
intensify
- Dawdles
- Shifts from being
capable, "Me do it," to incapable, "Mommy do it"
quickly
- Is easily frustrated
- Does not like to be
physically restricted
- Is not interested in
pleasing you
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
top of page
|
|
Success Stories
|
|
Always Time For
Hugs
I have a cute story
to tell that happened yesterday in the day care. Missy (my daughter) and
her friend Nick (one of my child care children) started playing a game
where Missy was the mommy and Nick was the child. I was sitting in the
dinning area watching and listening.
Nick says to Missy
"Mommy will you make me dinner?"
Missy: "No
*sweetie* I'm making dinner for the other kids" ("ouch")
Nick: (repeats)
"Mommy will you make me dinner?"
Missy: "No
*sweetie pie* I'm making dinner for the other kids" (O.K. at this
point I'm thinking, I HAVE to close this child care. However, at least
she is saying "no" very loving and sweetly - to hear her use
the nicknames I use with her cracked me up!)
Nick: "Mommy
will you hold me?"
Missy: (pretending to
stop what she is doing) "Of coarse! I always have time for
hugs!" ("Whew" I can look myself in the mirror again!)
Terri Gray, Thousand Oaks
Winning
Cooperation With Teens
After the first
session of class, mom decided to stop nagging and reminding her 3 teenage
daughters, 19, 14 & 16 to do their chores. She focused on the first week’s
homework to do GEMS (Genuine Encounter Moments) with each teen during the
week and work on the chore problem later. Mom said each morning she would
just tell the girls, "You know what needs to be done" and left
it at that. Mom reports all 3 girls did all their chores during the week,
without her having to remind at all. Mom also said they’ve become much
more cooperative and responsible in general as a result. Great work with
those teens mom!
Fina Gutierrez, Oxnard
Mom & Dad Find
Ways To Teach Kids To Work It Out
Mom and Dad were
tired of the fights and decided that their 2 1/2 & 4 1/2 year old
girls needed more to be given responsibility for working things out. Dad had
taken the girls to the video store and each had rented a movie. When they
got home, they started squabbling over whose movie would be
"first". Dad said, "When the two of you work out which
movie is first, then you can turn on the VCR", and he left the room.
About 2 minutes later, they came back and said, "We decided!"
Dad reports that they went in and watched their movies without anymore
bickering. Another occasion, mom was minding her own business and the 4
year old came out tattling on her 2 year old sister. Mom listened for a
moment and then said, "What do you think you should do about
it?" Her daughter thought for a moment and then said, "Oh
yeah!" and left the room and went and worked it out with her little
sister. Way to go team parenting mom and dad!
Kathy and Duane Morningred,
Moorpark
top of page
|
|
