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The Positive
Parenting Newsletter
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Ideas & Inspiration for Parents - Summer 2006 - Volume
5.1
 In this issue:
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Feature: Understanding
Power Struggles
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By
Deborah Fox
“HOORAY! I’m in a power struggle with my
child!”
From which planet is the parent who said
that! Seriously, consider the
impact on our attitude towards parenting if we celebrated each time we
entered a power struggle with our child.
Think of what a difference it would make. In reality, this is nearly impossible, unless we have the
understanding about the developmental importance of a power struggle (for
both the parent and the child) and the tools redirect the associated
misbehavior. A feeling of power is important to us all as a basic
emotional need. When this need
develops, how it develops and what a child learns regarding his power in
the world is directly or indirectly taught by the parent. Yes, I am the one who taught my child to oppose me in this
way!
During the first two years of life, the child
learns to oppose the parent. By age three, the child usually has the
skill developed to such an extent that a parent can feel overwhelmed,
overpowered, overrun and quite angry and determined to get this child to
behave better. Unfortunately, most
well intentioned attempts by parents to over power children that are
being defiant fail, causing the parent to feel guilty, inept and
incompetent. The child typically
feels angry, more defiant and continues to misbehave.
Why
Do Children Power Struggle?
A sense of power is a basic social and
emotional need. Until about the
age of two, a child has very little sense of self. The child and parent
are “one” in the child’s world. Somewhere
in the second year, the child begins to develop a concept of self as
separate from the parent. This
discovery coincides with the recognition that behavior by the child can
create a resultant emotion or behavior by the parent! So a child is learning by observation
what causes mom or dad to react, and this reaction creates a sense of
power in the child (as the one who causes the reaction).
What
Did I Do To Cause My Child to Power Struggle With Me?!
As crazy as it sounds, we do in fact
accidentally “cause” our children to power struggle with us! Some of you may object to this idea and
for that I just ask you to stay with me a moment. By taking responsibility for causation,
you will actually get your parental power back! If you caused it, then you can un-cause
it! The most powerless position
you can take is to blame your child for their behavior because this
leaves you in a hopeless position.
If they are power struggling with your child and you did nothing to cause it then
you probably cannot change
it either! Alternatively, if you
see the way in which you helped your child come to the belief that it is
fun or fulfills their need to feel powerful by opposing you, you can
choose to stop doing that discipline response.
So what is it that we do to cause a child to
power struggle with us? Very
simply out, we escalate our
emotional response. What
does this mean? Let’s take an
example of a child of about six months old. I’ll use my daughter Michelle as an
example. She learned to crawl over
to the entertainment center, pull herself up, and pop open the glass
doors. The glass would become gooey with her fingerprints; she would slam
them, bang on them and otherwise frustrate me completely! So the first time I responded (this was before I had parenting
classes, please keep in mind, this is not how I would respond today!)
by telling her no and taking her away from the cabinet. The next time she
did it, I told her no in a louder voice and with more frustration and
aggravation, and the third time and the fourth, each time I became louder
and more upset, until I began to slap her hands, give her “that look” and
otherwise frantically attempt to control her overt defiance of me. She only became more defiant and was
having more fun watching the show that mom was putting on for her. If I remember correctly, the doors
eventually lost their ability to “pop” open, remained covered with
fingerprints and she eventually outgrew or became bored with her
behavior. I don’t recall ever
succeeding in teaching her to leave them alone. I do think that she learned how fun it
was to defy me, and was very interested in finding endless other ways in
which to see mom lose control. I
do not think she consciously said, “I’m out to get mom”, but she learned
unconsciously that by defying me, she would feel very powerful.
Please
Tell Me! How Can I Un-Cause This Pattern?
So glad you asked! It’s really very simple. Every time your child misbehaves
in a specific way, you need to decide how to respond, and use that exact
same response every single time your child misbehaves in that same
way. In the example above, I would
look at my child and decide to myself, “Hmmm…what is the best response
for this age, stage, and behavior?
At six months old, she is really too young for lectures or
explanations. The best discipline
for little ones is distraction or repetition. So what I will do is pick her up
gently, and murmur, “Michelle will learn to stay away from the glass if
she wants to play in the living room” while walking her calmly out of the
room”. I have to respond that way every single time she goes to
the glass. I cannot raise my
voice, say it louder, hold her firmer, or in any way escalate my
emotional response, or I lose
my parental power. I must respond
like a broken record over and over again.
At six months old, I may need to repeat 20, 30, 50 times before
she learns, but she eventually will learn. The best thing about this response is
that she won’t learn to have the power to “cause” me to lose control
(where she thinks she won). You
may think I am not sane, however this is true and this works. You can begin this idea at any age and
stage to get your power (I.e. influence) back as the parent. Once you have learned how to stop
causing the connection between their misbehavior making them feel
powerful, then you can be much more successful in redirecting power
struggles. For ideas on how to do
this, see our article, “Dealing
With Power Struggles” by Karan Sims.
Deborah has
been teaching parents how to understand and redirect power struggles for
14 years. This article was
developed as a result of listening to hundreds of parents with their
children and developing the best possible way to understand and redirect
power struggles. She is developing
a CD in on this topic., If you would like to be given the information on how to purchase this CD when it
becomes available, please send an email with your request
and we will notify you.
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Special Feature: A
Dad’s Perspective
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“Why
Would I Want the Toy, When I Can Have the Box?” by Rex Bowlby
It happened in an
instant. In the blink of an eye. One moment, a carefree man and husband, my
most pressing challenge figuring out how to get in 18 holes of golf and
still be on time to make a dinner reservation. The next moment …whoooosh,
“WHAAAAAAAA” “It’s a boy!”…a father. That label sounded pretty good to
me, “father.” No doubt there was going to be more to fathering than
beaming with pride when someone referred to me as such. It was tangibly
clear I was able to make a life, but would I be able to make a human
being?
I was well-educated with bachelor and master degrees, yet I didn’t recall
taking, or even being offered, a parenting or fathering class during all
my years of schooling. I wasn’t even required to take a test or get a
license to determine my fitness for unarguably the most important task we
will ever face: parenting. It was clear I wasn’t at all prepared for the
next two decades of child-rearing. But you know what? When I looked down
at my beautiful baby boy, and he looked up me with those little tiny
trusting eyes, I was pretty sure I could fake him out for a few months
while I worked on it.
Seventeen years, and two boys later, I can say I have figured it out. At
least some parts. Although the answer wasn’t so much to “figure it out,”
as it was to “let it be.” What I mean is this. Starting at about age
three I noticed a trend. My son’s happiness and attention span wasn’t set
in motion when he was playing with conventional and commercial toys and
games, but stemmed from situations and circumstances — quasi-activities
if you will — embedded in the everyday routine. Furthermore these
so-called activities were facilitating parent-child bonding. And most
extraordinary was the byproduct of these seemingly meaningless and
trivial pursuits, that of child development: So what did this all mean?
Without a doubt Nature has programmed our children for success. So it
follows that their instincts drive them towards actions that will best
serve their interests. And what have we done? We circumvent this natural
process by buying every contrived game and toy we can afford. How many
parents have witnessed their child turning a plain box into a play
object, game or toy? It's practically a universal phenomenon, yet the
majority of us dismiss this behavior as purposeless. We push the toy that
came in the box back in front of the child, confused by their behavior,
and determined to make sure the expensive purchase doesn’t go to waste.
Better we let it be and let Nature takes its course. This scenario can be
witnessed time and again in other venues.
I
am in a home improvement store to find a part to fix a faucet. I find the
part but my children find curiosity in all the thousands of products
lining the aisles. Instead of the conventional, knee-jerk reaction of,
“we need to get home,” we spend 2-3 hours exploring, learning, bonding,
and having a ball. This became a regular outing that rivaled any
amusement park. Another example. We are taking a walk and happen upon a
vacant lot with a huge dirt pile where they are building a home. My
children run over to play. Conventional response: “You’ll get dirty,” or “Come
on, let’s go.” Instead, I encourage them. They spend hours playing on the
hill advancing their imaginations and physical fitness. And another. I am
cleaning up the kitchen, but my children are “un-cleaning” it. They are
dragging out plastic containers. They proceed to build skyscrapers, beat
on them with wooden spoons, trap a bug… “Hey, please put…never mind.”
I found more than one-hundred examples like these in the everyday,
cost-free routine. No doubt you will come across your own unique
situations on almost a daily basis. Don’t fight them because of
convention or time constraints. Embrace them. Now if you will excuse me I
have a date play a round of golf…with sticks, a handy round object, in
the backyard, with my children.
Rex
Bowlby is the father of two boys. He is the author of the book, Why
Would I Want the Toy, When I Can Have the Box? (101 Ways to Make the Most
of Your Children, With the Least from Your Wallet*) *For parents with
children ages 3-8. He lives in Los Angeles, California, USA.
website: www.whytoybook.com
email: whytoy_author@earthlink.net
book order: http://rexbowlby.com/buy-books.html
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Special Feature: Raising
Boys
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Raising Confident Sons Who Have
Respect For Others
By Peggy
Drexler, Ph.D.
Not
long ago, I was rushing up the street, carrying groceries and my
briefcase, barely closed from all I had stuffed inside it, trying not to
be late to pick up my daughter from basketball practice. One of her
classmates, 11-year-old Damien, was walking from school toward me. I’d
known Damien and his family for years, as part of a study I was
conducting for my book, Raising Boys Without Men.
“Can
I help you with that?” he asked in a concerned voice.
Although
the bag was tearing from the weight of its contents and the awkward way I
was holding it, his question almost made me drop everything completely.
People were meandering in both directions, and no one else noticed that I
was struggling, but Damien saw in one glance that I needed help and
immediately offered it. He took my grocery bag and walked back up to
school with me. When I thanked him, he just smiled politely, said it
wasn’t a problem, waved, and continued off down the street.
Until
fifth grade, he wore his hair short and dressed in nothing but jeans and
T-shirts. Even after he let his hair grow long in sixth grade and wore
red bandannas like the Hells Angels, he didn’t let anybody’s idea of what
was “girlish” affect his behavior. In the school’s annual musical, Damien
stole the show with his theatrical poise and warm response to the loud
applause from the audience. His onstage theatrics a very liberating
experience for boys, did nothing to prevent him from being the first out
on the play yard at recess for kickball, running successfully for class
representative to the student council, or being a sometimes goofy but articulate
class participant.
I
call children like Damien “head and heart boys.” Years of research on
families and parenting have shown me how successful moms raise
self-assured and caring sons by nurturing their boy power -- the
artful combination of physicality and sensitivity to others’ needs and
feelings. To help your son grow up with confidence and respect for
others:
1.
Help him develop a strong sense of well-being and sensitivity to the
needs and feeling of others:
Talk
and talk and talk with (not at) your son, and then talk some more. As
boys discover they are worthy of respect and understanding, they learn to
respect and empathize with
others. Encourage your son to recognize how he feels and show it, whether
the feeling is good or bad. Talk with him about what may be making him
feel that way. Learning about his own feelings can help your son connect
with others and to develop into a caring, sensitive man.
Boys
tend to shy away from face-to-face discussions. Connect with him in any
way you can, anywhere you can. Use toys to prompt discussion. One mom
uses puppets with her young son to talk about events in their lives.
Initiate conversations in the car, on the basketball court, or in the
kitchen, while cooking together. Despite feeling tired at the end of her
workday, one mom began playing basketball with her teenage son because he
seemed withdrawn. She expected it to be all dribble, shoot but when they
started playing her son opened up, sharing his thoughts and feelings
about school and home.
Listen
to what your son tells you -- or doesn’t tell you. Look for
messages even in silence or outbursts. Listening -- not just to the
words, but to the feelings behind them -- can reveal the kind of
mothering your son needs to help him become a man.
Ten-year-old
Caleb struggled with being small for his age. During hide-and-seek, he
and his mom brainstormed about the advantages of being small, like
finding a really good place to hide. Since people underestimated his
superior athletic abilities, he had a secret weapon. Later, when a cousin
said he was small for his age, Caleb easily listed all the good things
about being small!
And
while you’re talking, repeatedly share your own values, including
consciously challenging gender and other stereotypes, even when your son
seems to tune out.
2.
Foster his respect for others:
Respect
for ourselves feeds our respect for others. So accept who he is, instead
of trying to mold him into your vision of what you think he should be.
You can encourage him to be responsible to himself by helping him set his
own goals and expectations, and then live up to them. He will also learn
responsibility to others by doing his share of household chores and other
age-appropriate duties.
Establish
clear guidelines for behavior and expectations for how family members and
others are treated. Helping your son relate well to family and friends
will help him become a reflective, conscious, centered adult with a
strong sense of identity and moral fiber.
3.
Help him find a variety of good role models, both men and women:
Start
with yourself and other moms you know. His respect for you and other
women friends teaches him respect for women. He learns such qualities as patience by observing patience
in you and others. As his mom, model the kind of strength and heroism
commonly associated with men. Your power, leadership, determination, and
ability to achieve set a strong personal example for your son. Knowing
women he can emulate helps erase culturally ingrained gender stereotypes.
Boys
benefit by having many role models, so whether there’s a father at home
or not, actively recruits men as friends and role models for your son. In
addition to men in the family, look for babysitters, tutors, coaches, and
Big Brothers who can play this role. Sports superstars, fictional
characters like Harry Potter, and other heroes also give boys a range of
men to emulate.
One
mom makes sure her 5-year-old son, Cody, interacts with males as much as
possible. “When I’m with my brothers-in-law or nephews, [I say], ‘You
guys, take him to the bathroom,’ or ‘You guys, go do guy things.’” Strong
mothers give their sons a range of models for manhood.
4.
Stay connected. Learning to value intimacy and close relationships will
help him succeed with a future wife or partner:
Don't
buy into fear of being too close to your son, no matter what his age.
Closeness and conversation lead to a natural and lifelong intimacy
between mother and son. This means frequently stepping out of your comfort
zone to meet his needs, including roughhousing and playing with your son
any way you can. Encourage physical and emotional expressions of
affection at home even when he tries to push you away. (In public allow
him any space he requires.) Adapt the ways you connect with your son to
stay close as he grows intellectually, emotionally and physically.
As
he grows, you can help him lead a double-life on the emotional front. If
he is standoffish in public, he can still enjoy the mothering he secretly
still craves in the privacy of home. Allowing boys to show their soft,
vulnerable side with you keeps those emotions alive. As your son grows
older, be sure to keep the dialogue open even when you don’t agree with
his choices.
The
deep emotional connection between mothers and sons has been demonized for
far too long. Just as your son has inherent boy power, you have
the mom power it takes to raise a son who is self-assured and
respectful of others. By nurturing his emotional IQ, teaching him to care
for others, providing him with positive role models, and staying close to
him as he grows up, you can give him what he needs to become a confident,
empathic person and an
exceptional man.
Copyright
© 2006 Peggy Drexler
Author:
Peggy Drexler, Ph.D., a research psychologist and Assistant
Professor of Psychology at Weill Medical College of Cornell University,
is the author of "Raising Boys Without Men"
(Published by Rodale, 2005; $23.95US/$33.95CAN; 1-57954-881-4) and a
former gender scholar at Stanford University.
For
more information, please visit
www.peggydrexler.com
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Special Feature: Possible
Annoying Normal Behaviors
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Possible Annoying Normal
Behaviors
11
Years Old
- Makes no
effort to cooperate
- Is quick
to criticize
- Expects
perfection from others
- Challenges
rules and restrictions
- Loves to
argue
- Is
physically violent. May hit, kick or slam doors
- Yells,
swears, talks back, says mean and sarcastic things
- Likes to
gossip
- Has
intense need to be right or to know it all
- Makes
references to your “old age”
- Needs
sleep
- Has
difficulty with siblings close in age
- Wants
radio or television on while doing homework
- Is always
on the phone
- May cheat
- May steal
with peers
- Has mood
swings
Excerpt
from the appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print through
age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive Parenting
Bookstore.
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