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The Positive
Parenting Newsletter
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Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Summer 2003 - Volume 5.0
 In this issue:
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Feature: The "Best Of Summer
Reading" Issue
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Welcome to the
"Best Of Summer Reading" Issue!
Thank you for reading
our newsletter! As many of you know,
I have been teaching parenting classes and writing this newsletter for
about 10 years now! It has been
tremendously rewarding work and I love communicating with parents from
all over the globe.
Enjoy the
newsletter!
--Deborah Critzer-Fox
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Special Feature: Education
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Roots of
Aggression: Does Parenting Style
Count? By Deborah
Critzer-Fox May 24, 2003
The other day I was taking a final exam in my “Deviance”
class. There was a fill in the
blank question that I just could not remember. It asked, “What is the name of the
theory by Henry and Short describing one motivation for homicide and
suicide?” I squirmed, sweated,
closed my eyes and just couldn’t pull the words out of my brain. The reason I was so frustrated is that
I had just gone over the whole concept with my son that morning! So I drew an arrow from the aggravating
question to the back of the paper and related this story to my professor:
“It must be my age, but I simply cannot remember the
name of the theory to which you are referring. Just this morning, my son and I were at
breakfast, and I read him the entire passage about Henry and Short’s
Theory. I described to him how a
researcher had found that parents who use physical punishment, such as
slapping, spanking or hitting, tend to raise children that will be
outwardly aggressive, or more likely to commit homicide. Whereas children that are raised with
psychological punishment, such as withdrawal of love, or lecturing to
induce guilt, tend to raise children that would be prone to inward
aggression or suicide.
About ten minutes later, my son (12 years old) and I
left the restaurant and went upstairs for an appointment at the eye
doctor. On our way out, he
playfully called me a name. I
playfully elbowed him and he turned and said to me, “OH! Now I’m gonna grow up to kill
someone!” Of course I started
laughing. Kids are so quick! I hope you will give me partial credit,
even though I still for the life of me cannot remember the name of that
theory!”
There are two points that I want to make about parenting
regarding this incident. The first
one is, please do not interpret this to mean that spanking, slapping and
hitting your child would cause him or her to be homicidal, which is not
the case! What it means is that of the people that were
aggressive in the form of homicide, there was a correlation with physical
punishment in childhood and of the
people that committed suicide, there was a correlation with psychological
punishment in childhood. Most kids who are physically
punished and most kids that
are psychologically punished do
not become aggressive, either inwardly or outwardly.
With that said, I think the idea bears some thought regarding the
results of our discipline style.
Let’s say the tendency toward outward directed aggression such as
hitting other people, name calling, etc. being more strongly correlated
with physical punishment is true, and the tendency toward inward directed
aggression such as low self-esteem, eating disorders, self-mutilation is
true. Let’s observe our children;
do they seem more one type than the other? Is it possibly correlated with our discipline
style?
One reason that I so enjoy a positive discipline style is that it
moves us away from the punitive model, or the shaming model and into a
new realm with possibilities that very few of us were raised with. Can you imagine a parenting style where
you no longer need to yell, spank, threaten or lose it with your
kids? If this is possible, than we
would not need to worry about our children tending to become aggressive
because of our actions. Below, I
will write some ways to discipline that are neither physically punitive
nor psychologically detrimental.
The second point I want to make about my experience is about
learning styles and children’s schooling.
You may have observed from my story, that I had a great deal of
knowledge about the topic, even though I could not remember the name of
the theory. If we look at this from
a parenting perspective, it would be, “Testing does not necessarily
accurately measure what a child knows about a given subject.” There are many children struggling in
school. Many of these children are
extremely bright. Children all
learn differently and so it is important that we parents begin to
understand the manner in which our children learn best. If our child is not achieving
satisfactorily, let’s begin to look at it from a perspective of being a
learning coach. How can we best
help and support this child to succeed?
Meeting with your child’s teacher is important and so is
understanding the problem from your child’s perspective.
The nice thing about having kids is that they learn so
easily. I studied and studied to
understand the theory and my son only had to hear it once and was able to
apply it to his world. What a
great teacher he is for me.
Children are often much more malleable than we would expect them to
be. If you find that there are
patterns of behavior that you have unknowingly reinforced, but would now
like to undo, I can nearly guarantee that the kids will find that change
easier than the adults. Let them
teach you. Not only will it help
you bring a more affirming parenting style forth from you, but their
self-esteem and respect grows so quickly and easily when we empower them
by learning from them. Give it a
try. Make it a goal this week to
learn something new from your child, and let him or her know what it was
that he or she taught you.
Have a great summer!
Please email your comments to mailto:debfox@positiveparenting.com
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Special Feature: Guidance
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Discipline Tips
That Guide Children to Better Behavior
by Deborah Critzer-Fox, Parenting Educator
Effective discipline
has much more to do with communication than control. Many parents feel that to control their
children is to be a good parent.
However, studies have shown that less coercive discipline can be
related to better outcomes for children.
If the coercive parenting is replaced with a firm and kind style,
communication that relates to the child at his or her level, and
discipline that builds the child’s self-esteem, then the child will tend
to do better. The true parental
control is developed over time and becomes more of an influential control
than a physical control. This is
true parental power—to be able to influence the child to behave better,
while building self-esteem, and teaching long range life skills. Here are five of the best communication
ideas that will contribute to creating this result:
1.
Write to your child. Beginning at a very young age, parents
can incorporate written communication into the parenting style. This can be an especially effective
form of communication for parents and kids that seems to have trouble
communicating verbally and for all parents that want to be more effective
and more of an influence in the child’s thoughts and actions. This idea can begin young, as early as
three or four. At this time, since
the child cannot yet read, the parent should write in pictures that
communicate the meaning. A happy
face to say “good for you!” or a cartoon of parents sleeping on their
bedroom door to remind the kids if there was an agreement not to wake
parents early on Saturday (personal favorite)! When the child is school age, the notes
can be placed in lunch boxes, or handed to kids on their way to
school. The notes should be
generally positive, acknowledging and heartfelt statements and
requests. Only use this idea for
concerns if you regularly submit encouraging notes to your child. Parents that write notes to their
children report that the children also begin to use this method of
communication with their parents.
Wouldn’t it be nice to receive a request or complaint in writing
so you have time to think over your response? Michelle who is thirteen now will
usually have a request imbedded in the note with a check box for yes or
no. It’s really difficult not to
be supportive of such creative and respectful requests! Last year on her seventeenth birthday
my daughter Briana gave me a “mother-daughter daughter diary”. In it she wrote me what the diary was
for and how we could share with each other through this medium. She had been keeping these diaries with
several of her best friends at school, and I was certainly honored to get
one! It has been one of the most
wonderful avenues of sharing for us this year, her senior year in high school
and often quite turbulent. The diary
has allowed us to connect on matters we don’t usually talk about and has
given me a special appreciation for my daughter and her world. So write, write, write!
2.
Think It over. Give your child’s ideas and opinions a
great deal of credence. Whenever
possible, verbalize your thought processes in mulling over a particular
situation. When your child
understands that you are giving weight and consideration to his or her
concern, you are more likely to have a better outcome if you need to deny
the request. Look at the situation
from the child’s perspective with understanding and detail.
3.
Lead the child to the answer. Often, the parent knows the best answer
to any given situation. The age
and experience of the parent create no competition with a child that is
just beginning to learn about and understand the world and how it
works. Therefore, it is often of
little value to tell the child the “answer”. The most effective and beneficial
manner in which to handle these situations with the child is through
leading that child to come up with the answer his or her self. The parent makes this happen through
asking leading questions such as, “What would happen if…” or “What will
the result of that be?” Help the
child work through the pros and cons of an issue, while maintaining a
neutral stance. While it may seem
backwards, the parent will become more influential to and more respected
by the child when communication is handled in this way. The child begins to trust that you have
faith in his or her ability to work out problems and will begin to ask
your opinion and advice. As long
as the parent constantly tells the child what to do about everything,
the child see the parent as an adversary.
There are times where the parent needs to “tell it like it is”,
but there are far more opportunities to take this other approach as
well.
4.
Maintain integrity. What does integrity mean to you? Each person has a different sense of
personal integrity. What are your
standards of conduct? Do you place
value in honesty, kindness, contribution?
After taking some time to think about your personal standards,
begin to pay special attention to behaving in a way that expresses those
standards. Parents are notorious
for bending and breaking the truth with children! Our intentions are innocent enough, yet
the results are confusion and lack of trust with our children. If you believe in truthfulness, do not
lie to your kids, ask them to lie for you or make excuses for lying. We begin this “fuzziness” with the
truth with our children at a very young age. Before they are able to tell the time,
we tell them “Just a minute” or “later” and this allows us the freedom to
enjoy refraining from commitment.
However, this undermines the children’s respect for us as parents
over time. Kids will begin to beg,
plead and pester. It is better to
be honest and clear in an up front as possible manner. Tell them exactly when you
will respond. Tell them exactly
how much time, and follow through
to the minute, even if your child does not yet tell time, he soon will!
5.
Maintain physical closeness
and connection. In this age of molestation and child
sexual abuse, many parents are afraid to be physically close to their
children. Sometimes this
discomfort can also be caused by abuse when the parent was a child. However, children and all of us need physical closeness! Hugging, cuddling, playful fighting,
rocking, stroking hair, massages, and bear hugs are just a few ways to be
physical with kids. Also doggie
piles, steam rollers and other funny family ways to physically bond
should be explored. When you speak
to a child, how about placing a gentle hand on their shoulder? Or touching their cheek? Maintaining this physical connection
takes work, particularly as the children become teens and may go through
stages of resisting touch. Usually
they are testing their boundaries, so be respectful. Since my kids were small, I have given
them back and leg massages at night as part of our bedtime routine. This has been one of the best ways I
can think of to maintain physical closeness, and my kids give great back
rubs back!
There are many other
ideas for effectively communicating with children that can build mutual
respect, self-esteem and help kids learn to be great problem
solvers. These are my top five and
should be included on a regular basis in every home. As with most of the effective parenting
tools, the results come through time and repetition. The above ideas should also take the
child’s age and ability into consideration. It would be unproductive to get into
some of the above conversations with a tired, cranky two-year-old! The times of parental frustration
should be used as times to re-group, re-think, and re-evaluate. Attempting any form of thoughtful
discipline takes time, thought and a relaxed environment. If you’re stressed out, give yourself
and your child a cooling off period.
Often the answers will come during the break.
Discipline does not
need to be punitive, coercive, manipulative or negative. Children can learn in a positive,
upbeat, firm and kind environment much better than a negative one. The parents set the tone for the family
environment and so parents have great influence over the nature of that
environment. Dream big, children
are capable of so much more and so much better than we give them the
chance to express! While I do not
believe in “parent bashing” with problematic kids, I do believe that we
parents have so much more influence in our families than we realize. We need to take this influence to heart
and strive to do and be out very best and to never give up on our kids!
Happy Parenting!
Deborah
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Special Feature: For Parents of
Toddlers
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What’s So Terrible
About Being Two?
By Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
So what’s up when a kid reaches age two? Many parents
are ready to pull their hair out when their kids reach this age… and it
continues for about a year to a year and a half.
Parents of younger infants are lulled into a sense of ease
when their son or daughter reaches about 6 months. By this time infants
are usually sleeping well through the night, able to sit in a high chair,
can amuse themselves with play and are enthralled with mom and dad’s gaze
and smile. To many, parenting at this stage appears easy and there is no
way of appreciating just what lies ahead.
By 24 months however, toddlers may be bored with
static toys, they are generally quite mobile – able to walk at a brisk
pace for multiple steps and highly explorative. Herein lies the set-up
for the terrible twos, unless prepared.
Two-year-olds have this marvelously inquisitive mind,
but absolutely no experience from prior learning to understand “safe or
harmful”, “good or bad”, “right or wrong”. As such, they simply set out
to explore the world, as it is available to them. Until they learn or
experience otherwise, all objects are neutral. Objects have no inherent
worth and are not yet known for causing either pleasure or pain. It’s
only when the child experiences the object can they determine its value.
Value to the two-year-old is usually a function of the pleasure an object
can bring to the child. Pleasure is derived from touch, taste, sight,
sound and scent. Some things are pleasurable and “fun”, while others
offer neither amusement nor any particular pleasure. Other items, like
the taste of a sour lemon, may cause displeasure and children soon learn
to avoid these.
Knowing this about normal childhood development, the
challenge facing parents is to pre-empt negative outcomes from their
child’s exploration and learning while maximizing the opportunity for
positive outcomes. To reduce frustration and maximize the opportunity for
your child’s learning and pleasure consider the following:
- By
this stage of life, if you haven’t already baby-proofed the home, do
so. It is reasonable to put away the fancy glass and china that
adorns the coffee table, have safety latches on cupboard doors and
gates on the stairs. Your child will explore and this is normal and
healthy, so get on your knees, look at your home from your child’s
point of view and fix anything that can cause harm. You will be more
relaxed if you are less concerned bout household safety hazards.
- Telling
a two-year-old what not to do, doesn’t mean they will know what
to do. As such, they may stop doing what you have told them, but
may go on to another equally disturbing activity. It is reasonable
to tell a child to stop doing something, but not sufficient. Every
time you tell a child what not to do, follow it up by redirecting
the child to what they can do and be specific. So if you say, “Go
play”, this gives the child permission to do almost anything,
whereas if you tell the child, “You can play with the blocks or the
dolls”, this more clearly directs the child to approved activities.
- Children
do need to learn safe from harmful, right and wrong, good and bad.
When your child does do something you deem inappropriate, tell them
so in a firm voice. However, don’t stop there. Next direct them to
other approved activities and soon after let them know how they are
playing well.
- Self-esteem
grows the more the child gains mastery over their environment and
self. While some areas may be off-limits, other areas should be
structured to allow exploration and play. A lower drawer in the
kitchen filled with plastic bowls and utensils offers the child a
safe and inviting area to learn and have fun. Consider what other
places and activities are acceptable for your child and make them
available.
So often parents of two-year-olds feel like all they
say is “No”. Use the above suggestions and you may find yourself saying
“Yes” more often and those “terrible twos” may just be a little easier.
By the time your child is 42 to 48 months, they will have learned much
and will better understand what is safe or dangerous, right or wrong. It
will be easier.
Use the suggestions and give it time.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
You can email your comments to mailto:gary123@sympatico.ca
Gary Direnfeld is a child-behavior expert, a social worker, and the author of
Raising Kids Without Raising Cane (Secrets of the Trade, 1992). Since
graduating with a Masters degree from the University of Toronto in 1985,
Gary has not only helped people get along or feel better about
themselves, but has also enjoyed an extensive career in public speaking.
He provides insight on issues ranging from child behavior management and
development; to family life; to socially responsible business
development. Courts in Ontario consider Gary an expert on matters
pertaining to child development, custody and access and social work.
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Special Feature: Possible Annoying
Normal Behaviors
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Possible
Annoying Normal Behaviors
10 Years Old
- Anger is often violent
- Plots revenge
- Has difficulty taking a
joke on himself
- Asks personal questions
- May express concern if
he/she isn’t developing physically like the others
- A girl will hunch her
shoulders if she’s uncomfortable with breast development
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
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