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The Positive
Parenting Newsletter
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Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Summer 1999 - Volume 2.7
In this issue:
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Feature Article: Parenting Question and
Answer
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Parenting Question
and Answer
by Deborah Critzer
The following was taken
from a post at the Positive Parenting Bulletin Board located at
ParentsPlace.com.
Question:
Hi. I very much need
help. I have a 2 and a half-year-old daughter, and I am losing it where
she is concerned. We have tried to raise her well, she is bright and
intelligent, but she has become so incredibly rude and insolent that I
sometimes find myself wanting to slap her. She will NOT listen. She is
obnoxious, has rotten temper tantrums and whines from morning till night.
She tells me to shut up if I dare tell HER anything.
Before you tell me
"she's two, it's normal", and that we must be lousy parents,
let me assure you, we have never abused her, we taught her to be polite
and respectful, etc. She does go to daycare, and maybe she learns this
there, I don't know. All I know is it's gotten to the point where I am
afraid to spend time alone with her; she is so out of control. Please
help!
Answer:
I'm sure it is
terrible to feel afraid to be alone with your daughter because of her
behavior. However, I suggest you shift from this fear to anticipation of
creating results. It's not too healthy for you OR her to be like this in
your relationship. At this point, you sound very hurt by her behavior,
all you've done is nurtured and cared for her and this is what you get!
This often happens with such bright children. Believe me, she is NOT out
to GET you! She may be searching-- searching for boundaries and limits
and you can stay calm and give them to her. She should lessen these
behaviors as she begins to understand the limits. So, some suggestions:
1) Reading the
article on power struggles www.positiveparenting.com/power.html as she
begins to feel powerful appropriately, she will not have such a need to
get power inappropriately.
2) Make it a point to
respond to her behavior, rather than react to it. When she misbehaves,
decide that you are going to handle it calmly and rationally and decide
you are capable of doing this. You are! Think of it like this-- you have
something your daughter desperately needs, and her behavior is designed
to get it from you. It is a gift you have to give her, a gift ONLY you
can give her. It is something you ARE going to give her and will be a
learning she will take with her all her life. Maybe you don't know what
it is, but your job is too never give up. My middle child was very
similar when she was your daughter's age. Our relationship changed for
the better when I found out what she was looking for from me. I was
always battling with her, always frustrated, always felt inadequate at
dealing with her. When she was 3, in exasperation, I asked her,
"Michelle, why did you choose me to be your mom?" she said
simply, "To have fun". I can't tell you how this had changed
our relationship. I noticed when I made things fun and a game, a mystery,
a puzzle, she would learn and cooperate and we would be close! When I'd
operate from my stuffy adult mode, we'd battle. So, the thing you're
discovering is not the same as mine, but there probably is SOMETHING that
will help.
3) Make plans ahead
of time for dealing with repeated misbehaviors you would like to change.
Make these tiny steps. Instead of using, "Get her to stop saying
shut up all the time to me", write down, "She listens when I
ask her to______." And take it one task at a time. This will help
the whole situation seem less overwhelming. Often a little progress
causes the "big misbehaviors" to disappear.
4) Start family
meetings and allow her turn to be leader. Create routine and family time
that is sacred. When she realizes she is part of a team (family) that
works together and her creative ideas can and will be implemented, she
may find herself busier with looking for ways to spend "fun"
family time together instead of "running the show".
5) Write down 3
things you love about her. Every time you need to discipline her, or when
she talks back, read those 3 things to yourself first, and then handle
the situation. This will help you be in the most effective frame of mind
for parenting firmly AND kindly, a combination that creates magical
results with our kids. Good Luck! Deb
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Special Feature: Offering Choices
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Five Creative
Ideas for Offering Choices
1. Concrete choices:
"Do you want to wear the red pants or the blue pants?"
2. Choices with
incentives: "Do you want to go to bed now and I'll read you 3
stories or go to bed in 5 minutes and I'll read you one story?"
3. Playful choices:
"Do you want to walk to bed or run to bed?"
4. Immediate choices:
"Do you want to go to bed now or now?"
5. Choices with consequences:
"You may play with the truck on the floor or choose a soft toy to
play with on the table. If you run the truck on the table again, I will
take the truck away."
Remember, not
everything is a choice. If the behavior needs firm guidance, it is not
necessary to offer a choice. Giving children choices is a tool to empower
children in times of powerlessness, to make parenting fun and to help
children learn to think about options.
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Special Feature: Expectations
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Expectations
Are your expectations
for your child too high or too low? Expectations that are too high make a
child feel like he is a constant failure. The child will either give up,
or put so much pressure on himself that he becomes sick, afraid and
stressed. The hormones released in children under stress block their
ability to learn. Expectations that are too low make him feel you have no
faith in him and wipe out his feelings of value. It is important for
parents to maintain balanced expectations of children based on their
family's values and the child's ability. Here are some ways to show your
child you believe in him:
Be willing to wait to
allow your child to figure out a problem, instead of rushing in with all
your adult wisdom to solve it.
Avoid an impatient
tone when your child is learning; remember learning takes repetition and
children cannot learn under stress.
Get close and use a
touch. Place your hand on his shoulder, back or knee. A loving touch
calms children and relieves stress.
Say or silently
affirm that he can do it. Use words that convey your belief, "You
have such a creative mind, I know you can do it."
Suggest he visualize
the desired result. Ask him what he would like to have happen, and help
him make a picture of it in his head.
"My
parents were constantly affirming me in everything I did. Late at night
I'd wake up and hear my mother talking over my bed saying, "You're
going to do great on this test. You can do anything you want."
-Stephen Covey
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Special Feature: Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
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Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
4 Years Old
- Talks too much
- Incessantly asks,
"Why?"
- Is fascinated with bowel
movements
- Uses words related to
elimination, like "poopoo head."
- Swears and cusses
- Her demands can be
annoyingly persistent
- Excludes certain children
from her play
- Wants to know exact
details on difficult subjects
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
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Success Stories
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Redirecting
Tantrums
Mom was working in her
home office and 2-½ year old Gabriela wanted to play. Mom was just about
done, so she sat her down on the floor with a coloring book and turned
back to her desk to finish up. She looked back and Gabriela had taken her
wallet out of her purse and was proceeding to dump its contents on the
floor. Mom said, "NO, it's not okay to play with mommy's
wallet", and put it back. Gabriela started to argue and mom noticed
the power struggle beginning and also the signs that happen just prior to
a tantrum. Instead of staying in the struggle, mom got down on the floor
and looked at Gabriela and said, "What would you like to do instead?
Tell me what you want to do and I'll play with you." She immediately
stopped fighting and said she wanted to color with mom. Amazed, mom sat
down and had fun coloring with her daughter. Saturday came, and dad
offered to take the kids out for awhile to let mom organize her office.
They had been battling with Gabriela over getting in her car seat and the
"Captain of the Seatbelts" idea did not work. As they were
getting in the car, Gabriela began to fight and dad said, "How about
if we see how many seconds it takes to get our seatbelts on?" He
began counting as he put his seatbelt on, and 4 year old Jacob did the
same. Gabriela picked up on the game and went along. She did it in 7
seconds! The next time mom was in the car with the kids, Gabriela was
fussing and Jacob said, "Mom! You have to count!"
Congratulations on your great family teamwork!
Gwen & Richard
Ojalvo, Oak Park
More redirecting
tantrums
2 year old Christian
was having constant tantrums. Mom had been completely frustrated. Now,
when she notices a tantrum coming on, she gives him a choice. She noticed
that they occur on leaving a place or when he doesn't get his way. When it's
time to leave, she will say, "Would you like to go in your stroller
or walk?" Christian happily chooses one or the other and leaves
willingly. If he doesn't have his way, she offers him a choice of two
acceptable alternatives and he willingly chooses. She noticed that he
still has tantrums just as often, but they are being redirected almost
immediately and not escalating out of control. Great job, mom, finding a
tool that works on those tantrums!
Danelle Bradley,
Moorpark
Whining stops in 8
year old
Brittany is an extremely well behaved,
cooperative child; however Mom and dad were a bit frustrated with her
frequent whining. About 2 weeks into the class, mom shared that Brittany had said to her, "Mom.
Have you noticed I'm not whining anymore?" Mom replied, "Well
Brittany, yes I have noticed it! Why do you think that is?" Brittany said, "I don't know! I
just stopped doing it!" I asked mom what she had been doing
differently. She said she had been reacting less to all the little
things. Instead of getting into arguments over tasks, she had taken the
attitude of, "How will we work this out" or "How can we
handle this situation?" She found that a calm discussion with her
daughter brought a great deal more willingness for her to do what was
expected of her. Dad backed mom up in the situations he had the
opportunity to address as well. Mom had also been spending more quiet
time with Brittany, praying and teaching her the
power of positive thinking self-talk. Mom overheard Brittany in her room one morning
before a test at school, telling herself all the positive messages they
had been discussing. Mom felt so good inside that she was able to
influence her daughter in such a special way. Terrific job, mom &
Dad! Keep up the great work!
Janine and David
Kidd, Thousand Oaks
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