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The Positive
Parenting Newsletter
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Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Spring 2000 - Volume 3.1
In this issue:
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Feature Article: Finesse in Parenting
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Finesse in
Parenting
by Deborah Critzer
As I mulled over
recent parenting events with my children, I realize that much of my
parenting now is very subtle, yet interactive with my children. The word
"finesse" came to my mind. I looked it up in the dictionary and
it says, "subtlety of contrivance to gain a point". After
looking up the words in that sentence, I took finesse to mean a kind of
artful planning to "gain a point" (maintain my parental
authority).
Interestingly, there
is another definition for finesse in regards to the game of bridge, it
says, "the attempt to take a trick with a low card while holding a
higher card". This certainly applies to my parenting! Last year, my
teenager announced that she was considering piercing her eyebrow and her
best friend her belly button. Inside I panicked, but with great parental
finesse said, "Really? That seems scary, I bet that would hurt! Tell
me more." She explained about their intention and then I said I
would help her research it on the internet (hoping that would scare her
out of it.) After looking at a few sites and reading up on it, she was
still not swayed!
I then followed one
of our tips for handling power struggles with teens-- I asked her to wait
30 days at which point we could discuss it again. I then began to pray
for what to do. I knew that I could play my "high" card and
just say "no". She is still young enough at this point that she
would have obeyed me. I don't like to use that card however, because in a
few years, it may not work. I would rather utilize the opportunity to
make our relationship better and lead her to making the best choice for
her. That is a skill she needs for the rest of her life. I just kept
praying and trying to keep an open mind, yet deciding to play my
"high card" if no other ideas came to me. About three weeks
later, she announced that she and her friend had changed their minds!
After phoning several piercing establishments, they were informed by 2 of
the 3 that they would not pierce ones so young. Because the girls were
still growing, the piercing would become distorted. That was what changed
their minds! Remember that prayer is a parenting tool that works!
My "high
card" is my ultimate authority as the parent. I am bigger and more
powerful than they are and it's my house! However, using that high card
tends to create resentment in our relationship and will only work so long
as the kids are young, smaller and afraid of running away. I use this
high card very sparingly, preferring instead, the lower cards, such as
listening, negotiating, and all the other great tools from the
"Redirecting" class.
Parenting with
finesse is something we acquire over time and with dedication to
parenting with a purpose. Do you have it yet? Read the following article
and see!
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Special Feature: 5 Ways to Parent with
Finesse
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5 Ways to Parent
with Finesse
by Deborah Critzer
1. React to
"shockers" with semi-interested boredom. When children announce something
to which you feel an instant reaction in your gut (as in my piercing
example), take a deep breath, smile calmly, and say, "Really? Tell
me more." Remember, part of the reason children "come up
with" shocking news is to get you to react or push your buttons.
Parents with finesse do not often get tricked into reacting to their
children, instead becoming the trickster by showing calmness and
level-headedness.
2. Set up a
sequence of events that discipline the children and RELAX! The other night my children
and I were invited to go swimming. Before leaving I explained to them
that we would be leaving the pool at 7:30, in my car at 7:40 and home at 7:50. I asked each child, in turn,
before we left to repeat this sequence back to me. I then asked what would
happen if the above sequence was not followed (they all correctly
responded that we would not be allowed to go back again). I gave them a
15 and 5 minute warning prior to announcing that it was 7:30. I then sat back and watched
calmly as they began to reluctantly get out of the pool. My son was still
in, looking as if he would not come out. I said to no one in particular,
"We have 6 minutes to get to the car, I suppose we can make it if we
run part of the way…I'm not sure, I'm parked kind of far from here."
Everyone began to panic and get dried off, hurrying to get me out of the
gate and on the way to the car. At the car I said, "Wow! Great job!
You could have swam 30 seconds longer!"
3. Act as if there
is all the time in the world, even when there isn't. Kids know when we are in a
rush. A parent with finesse pretends not to be worried and stressed,
knowing that spending 5 calm minutes chatting with a child in the morning
can save 30 minutes of battling to get out the door on time.
4. Notice the
little details and acknowledge them. An observant parent recognizes
when children contribute. We notice these desirable actions that make our
home a better place and say "Thank you for that!"
5. Humility. Parents with finesse know
when to say, "I don't know." We know that we do not have all
the answers. We know that we often make mistakes. We apologize when we
are wrong. We hold our children accountable for their actions, with
compassion, when they have erred. We know that doing our personal best as
a parent means working really hard at it sometimes and giving up and
taking a rest other times. We remember often to be grateful, giving
thanks for these beautiful little human beings.
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Special Feature: Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
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Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
7 Years Old
- May be afraid others
don't like him.
- Worries.
- Minor illness may be
magnified to fatality status.
- Accuses parents of liking
other siblings more.
- Is easily disappointed.
- Has a tendency to do one thing
too long.
- Is too anxious to be
perfect.
- Complains about how
others treat her (teachers, siblings, and friends).
- Have many fears.
- Is easily distracted at
mealtime.
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
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Success Stories
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Child's Reminder
Prevents Bedtime Battle
Newlywed's Tim & Jan
brought 5 year old Josh to class the first night, not realizing it was
for parents only. He was pretty good the first 2 hours, but 3 hours is a
long time! They had been having many power struggles due to the changes
and having a new step dad. A few nights after the first class, Jan was
having a bedtime battle with Josh. She felt herself getting tense and
angry. Just when the scene was going to escalate to something more ugly,
Josh said, "Mom! You can't do this; it isn't what you're supposed to
do! This is the time you have to carry me in my room, lay me in bed, rub
my back, read me a book and give me a GEM!" Mom melted and said,
"You're right." She did as Josh said and he went willingly and
happily to bed. A few nights later, Tim was covering bedtime routine for
Jan because she was sick. Tim gave Josh a few friendly reminders about
the time. Tim also gave him more power and responsibility. He explained
to Josh that he was going to need to do his routine without help from
mom. Step dad was prepared for the usual rebellion. To his surprise, Josh
did everything he was supposed to do and went willingly to bed! Great job
parents!
Tim and Jan, Camarillo
Loving Guidance
Helps Dinner Struggles!
Mom and dad have a
challenge. Six year old Dasha doesn't stay at the table until she's done
eating. After the class on loving guidance, Mom decided to try it. When
Dasha got up during dinner, mom silently walked over, rubbed her back and
smiled, glancing back towards the dinner table. Mom was surprised that it
worked! Dasha came back willingly to the table, without Mom having to say
a word! Mom and Dad noticed that she began to stay for longer periods of
time at the table as well. Mom and Dad tried the same thing at bedtime.
When Dasha started playing instead of getting ready for bed, they would
rub her back and look her in the eye with a smile. As soon as she made
eye contact with Mom or Dad, she would go willingly to her bed. Mom
thinks a combination of things have improved Dasha's behavior. Using
prevention by giving her lots of attention and encouragement when she
does what she is supposed to do, and not over reacting when she
misbehaves have both worked well towards a calmer home. Great job Mom
& Dad!
Donna and Jim, Ventura
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