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The Positive Parenting
Newsletter
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Ideas
& Inspiration for Parents - Spring 1999 - Volume 2.6
In this issue:
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Feature Article: Profound Wisdom on a
Piece of Fruit
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Profound Wisdom on
a Piece of Fruit
By Elizabeth Komins
About two years or so
ago, I was standing at my kitchen sink washing apples and pears, which I
had done many times before. As usual, I was aggravated at the time I had
to spend removing those annoying little stickers that the store puts on
each piece before I could completely clean each one. Something
interesting happened this time, though. Having just come from teaching
the GEM exercise in my RCB (Redirecting Children's Behavior) class, I was
remembering Dorothy Briggs GEM description of "being completely in
the moment" even when performing an everyday task like cleaning
fruit. So, I decided to read the annoying little sticker! Written in a
circle around the code number for the computer were the words: "Ripe
when yields to gentle pressure."
"What profound
words," I thought! It occurred to me what a wonderful metaphor this
was for life. At the time I was very involved in the UYO personal growth
courses and learning how to enroll students in both UYO and my RCB
classes. I was so inspired and excited about these courses that I think I
was sometimes knocking people over with my enthusiasm! I was definitely
perceived as "pushing too hard" by my husband, who I was
continually attempting to enroll in UYO, in all kinds of ways.
Hmmm, I thought. The
universe is trying to tell me something. I keep pushing and he's not
giving! It's like trying to push in the side of a hard rock! He's
definitely not 'ripe' for this! Maybe some of my other perspective
students would be more receptive if they were more 'ripe'. First by being
given the opportunity to express more specifically what their needs were
and/or by me giving them more "ripe" information specific to
their needs. Second, if I used the 'gentle pressure' approach! Not to
mention, the implications for parenting my kids in a way that would get
me results! Hmmm, again! Approaching them when 'ripe' for the message or
information and then applying 'gentle pressure,' if necessary.
This little message
came to me at the beginning of my journey, on the path of learning to
truly "let go!" Here I am two, plus years later and when I read
it again today on my piece of fruit, I realized how valuable this
statement has become. I now could really care less if my husband ever
takes UYO, because his journey is different from mine and our growth
together has come through Harville Hendrix Workshops (which he was, and
still is, "very ripe" for). I find enrolling students a much
more effortless, "gentle" process, and when I remember to only
"apply gentle pressure when ripe" with my children, life works
better and we are all much happier.
Needless to say this
little sticker ritual, that had been annoying me so much, turned out to
be quite a GEM, and all because I was really "in the moment" and
I was "ripe and yielding to the gentle pressure" of the
universe. HAPPY YIELDING!
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Special Feature: YES or NO?
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YES or NO?
By Deborah Critzer
The experts have told
us that consistency is one key to effective parenting. We all know this
in theory; however in practice we often fall short. What does consistency
mean? The dictionary defines consistent as "constant in adhering to
principals." Therefore, to become consistent in parenting means that
we address situations based on our family principals. So, how can we
apply this idea in our homes?
The outward result
that tells us that we are being consistent is that our children learn
that we mean what we say. They do not try to change our minds or
manipulate us on every issue. This is the END RESULT of being consistent.
Often we attempt to force this result on our children without teaching
them any basis from which to believe that we mean what we say! Saying you
"mean it" does not count, it is your actions that matter.
The crucial idea for
teaching our children we mean what we say is that we think about the
answer before we give it. We have at least a hundred opportunities every
day to practice. Children make requests all day long and generally we are
in the habit of saying "no" immediately. Then, as the child
persists, we think about it, and eventually give in. For example, a child
asks to take the dog for a walk, we say "no" because we are too
busy to think about it. Then our child whines, "But, WHY? Why can't
I take the dog for a walk? I'll just go around the block and I'll be
really careful and I won't bug you anymore!" THEN, we realize that
this is, in fact, a good idea and we say, "Sure, go ahead."
What has our child
learned from this encounter? He has learned that he can change our mind
by whining. Whereas, if we had thought through the answer first, and said
yes right away, we would not have undermined our parental authority.
Start by pausing
after your child makes a request. Ask yourself, "How does this
request fit with our family principals?" Let's say a child starts
whining for a cookie right before dinner. You have a family principal of
orderliness and that certain things happen at certain times. Therefore
the answer to this request will be no, and you will not give in. Say it
once and then allow your child to whine, beg and plead while you just
wait patiently. When he has stopped, you can say, "Thank you for
stopping".
Be sure to give
yourself plenty of time to think through the answer and how it applies.
Say "YES" as much as you can, be kind and firm with the
"NO" and discover the peacefulness of consistency!
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Special Feature: Self-Esteem Building
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Self-Esteem Building
by Sue Reichel
Self-esteem. If we
could truly help develop that in our children, parenting would become a
great deal more manageable (and fun!) In order for that to happen, a few
preparations must be made:
1. We need, as
parents, to have good self-esteem ourselves, to feel valuable and
competent. How often do we find ourselves angry with a child because WE
are late, or disorganized, or feeling out of control? We need to be
accountable and not blame (or take it out on) our children when we can't
find our keys and are running late again. This will help win their
respect and teach them how to take responsibility for their behavior.
Children can be very good problem solvers (of our problems as well as
theirs) because they are open to new approaches. Ask their advice about
how to avoid the same problem next time. It may even result in extra
cooperation, for they have an area in which they can truly feel valuable.
2. We also, as
parents, need to follow the golden rule and treat our children as we
would want to be treated. Courtesy, respect, acceptance, a willingness to
listen - these will all enhance the parent/child relationship. Children
can only learn these qualities if we have modeled them first.
3. Finally, try
putting yourself in your child's place - often! Get down on the floor if
it helps. Try to remember those days full of wishes and little power to
attain them. Think of how passionate they can be about things that seem
trivial to us. Be willing to say yes more often. Spend that one-on-one
time really listening to how they feel, about anything and everything.
Take advantage of breakfast together, going out for ice cream, a ride to
soccer practice, a good night talk with the lights out and really
connect. The more in tune you are with your child, the less trouble you
will have with cooperation and feeling the need for gaining control.
Shower your children
with encouragement and enthusiasm and enjoy the time you spend together.
It all goes by so fast. In the movie "Hook", the father is so
busy with his business that his wife admonishes, "Be careful -
you're missing it!" Enjoy the now with your children. These are the
good times!
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Special Feature: Effective Parenting
Tips
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Effective
Parenting Tips
By Lois Delaney and Sally M. Wade
These tips were
developed for working with children with ADHD but they are effective for
children of any age.
Get Their
Attention -
Before giving directions, get your child's attention by touching him on
the arm, between the shoulder and elbow. His eyes will automatically turn
towards you and you may then state the direction.
Quiet and Near - Directions, reminders,
etc., are always better understood when delivered while standing near the
child and using a quiet tone of voice.
One or Two Steps
at a Time -
Give directions in small steps, one or two at a time. Instead of "Go
clean up the mess in your room," tell the child, "Put the cars
back in the car box and put your trains back on the shelf." Keep It
Positive - Tell him what to do, the behavior you want to see, instead of
making a "don't" statement.
Give Notice - Tell the child what is
going to be happening, especially if there will be a change in routine or
schedules, so she may prepare for the change. Spend a moment going over
what is expected of the child during this activity.
Repeat After Me - On the way, tell the child
where you are going and ask her to tell you what is the acceptable
behavior. "We're going to Grandma's house. What tone of voice do we
use in Grandma's house?"
Clean Slate - After a consequence, give
the child a chance to start over, again and again and again. Children
learn through repetition, not through harshness of our tone of voice or
by "suffering" a punishment.
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Special Feature: Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
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Possible Annoying Normal Behaviors
3 Years Old
- Hands may tremble
- Is confused about which
hand to use
- Stutters
- May complain about
problems with vision
- Seems like nothing
pleases him
- Make's commands like,
"Don't look at me," "Don't talk"
- Is emotionally
inconsistent, one minute shy, next minute too bold.
- Indulges in nail biting,
thumb sucking, picking his nose, and rubbing his genitals
- Expresses fears
- May be cooperative with a
babysitter and a monster for you
- May quit napping
- May wet the bed
Excerpt from the
appendix of the "Redirecting
Children’s Behavior" book, in subsequent issues, we will print
through age 18 years. This book is available through the Positive
Parenting Bookstore.
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Success Stories
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Make It Fun
My four-year-old was
having a birthday party. Her hair was dirty but she refused to take a
bath. Instead of forcing her to take a bath, I remembered to make it fun,
so I asked her if she wanted to have her hair washed like they do in the
beauty salon. She loved the idea and happily jumped on the counter to get
her hair washed.
Brian, Gainesville, Florida
More Fun
When my kids start
fighting, I yell out, "Here comes the HUG MONSTER!" I playfully
grab
both
kids and hug them. Usually everyone ends up laughing and whatever was
being fought about gets forgotten.
Amy, St. Louis, Missouri
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