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Ages & Stages
- Teenagers
In honor of my
daughter Briana’s 13th Birthday in August, I am printing this list of teen
developmental stages for you this month. This list is excerpted from the
2 hour workshop, "That’s It, You’re Grounded! - Effectively
Communicating With Teenagers." I hope these ideas will offer those
of you with children in adolescence some insight into their behavior, as
they have for me.
Teens are preparing
to separate or individuate from their family. They are in the process of
developing their own values. For many years your child has accepted and
gone along with your values. The teen years are a time for your teen to
find out what his values are. This can be somewhat threatening if you
have certain values you hold fast. For example, your teenager may resist
going to church while exploring his own values about religion.
Teenagers must begin
this separation process and often time’s rebellion gives them the energy
to do this.
They put parents and
other authority figures down and don’t want to be with them. This can
feel hurtful if taken personally. However if you are aware this might
happen, you can see it for what it really is -- an attempt to separate.
Due to body changes,
there can be confusion about whether they want to grow up. Some teens,
particularly girls, don’t like the changes in their bodies. They may
openly express these feelings or harbor them inside. It is vital that you
don’t make fun or dismiss these feelings. It is best if you can listen
without lecturing.
Hormonal changes can
cause mood swings marked by easy tears, heightened sensitivity, sudden
flare ups, incessant tussling among boys, and continuous giggling among
girls. Your daughter may one moment be crying how she hates school and
that she has no friends and the next minute talking to a friend on the
phone. It is important you don’t get caught up in this yo-yo effect of
emotions. Stay present, yet detached.
They need to work out
their relationships with their peers to find out how they fit in. Your
daughter used to want to do everything with you. Now sometimes she
doesn’t even want to be seen with you. It feels like her peers have become
more important than you or the family. One of the best ways for her to
figure out relationships is through having phone conversations. This may
feel quite annoying to other family members. But for her it is the safest
way for her to work out relationships with her peers. The phone feels
safer because she is not face to face with her friend.
They need to start
relating the opposite sex in a different way. Up until puberty, your
child has probably treated the other sex as though they had some very
serious, contagious disease. Things are different now. Your son or
daughter may go through a new boyfriend or girlfriend every week. Again
it is important that you as a parent be detached and not treat every new
relationship like this person may be your new in-law!
They need privacy to
test things out for themselves without hurting their parents. Your child
who used to show and tell you everything has suddenly become more
private. It is easy to interpret that your teen is trying to shut you out
of their life. However, in the privacy of their room or diary, they can
try thoughts and feelings on without hurting you as their parent. They
love you and the last thing they want to do is hurt you. For example one
mother found and read her thirteen-year-olds diary. In it were some very
hurtful comments about her parents. Remember your teen is trying to
separate and it is hard to do that if they feel warm and close to you and
the family. Obviously, if you suspect that your teen is using drugs or is
in anyway endangering himself or others, you would want to check their
room.
They become
omnipotent and all-knowing. They begin to act as though they know
everything and that you can’t tell them anything they didn’t already
know. Again, this can be quite irritating if you don’t know what is
happening. One mother had a son who stated, "I know", to just
about everything she said. She was tempted to get into a debate about how
he couldn’t have known what she just told him. However, knowing this was
just a stage kept her out of many verbal power struggles.
They still need an
adult to relate to. Even though your teen may act like he doesn’t need
anyone, particularly an adult, he does. If your relationship is so
strained that your teen doesn’t come to you to discuss problems, make
sure he has a trusted adult that he can talk to, perhaps an uncle, pastor
or school counselor.
If a lot of these
symptoms sound familiar to you, don’t worry! These are normal stages that
most teens go through. It is your teen’s job right now. Perhaps this will
help. Remember when your son or daughter took his or her first step, what
did you do? Called grandma, clapped & cheered and perhaps took a
video of the event. You were very proud. But when our teen starts to
rebel (normal event for a teen), do we call grandma or clap and cheer our
teen on?!!! I don’t think so! So if you can just look at your teen going
through this period of time as essential to normal development and know
it is just a temporary stage, teen years can become more enjoyable.
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