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BEING A SUPPORTIVE
LISTENER: When Children have Feelings
by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
We have a joke in our
family. Whenever one of us is in the middle of a crisis, our standard
line is: "Uh, oh. I'm getting a feeling. Where are the
brownies?"
It's pretty common
for people to be afraid of-or at least uncomfortable with-feelings in
general. We often have difficulty understanding, dealing with, or even
feeling our own feelings. So it's natural that many of us have learned to
be uncomfortable with other people's feelings as well. This is especially
true when we're confronted with a child's feelings.
Much of this goes
back to when we were children. If, when we were growing up, our feelings
were dismissed, attacked, denied, or simply misunderstood, we may have
trouble responding positively and supportively to children's feelings.
Perhaps things are fine when the children are happy, joyous, and free,
(although even those feelings can be unsettling for some adults). But
what about those times when they're angry, sad, and afraid?
For the purpose of
this article, feelings may be expressed directly as feelings ("I'm
happy today."), as preferences, desires, or opinions ("I hate
lima beans!" "I wish I could have a new car!"), as
resentments ("How come she gets all the breaks?"), or as
personal realities ("I'm so bored!" "I'm scared of
clowns").
When children-or
other adults, for that matter-share their feelings with us, are we able
to respond supportively? Or do we fall back on more familiar,
counter-productive responses?
If the adults in our
early lives were afraid of our feelings, they probably modeled behaviors
that tried to get us out of our feelings, fix the problem or situation
that was causing the feelings, or even make us wrong for having the
feelings in the first place. These behaviors were probably well intended.
I've often heard adults say that they unknowingly practice potentially
destructive responses simply to make the child feel better.
More supportive
alternatives recognize the following:
It's OK for children
to have feelings without explaining or defending them.
Feelings are not
behaviors. Feelings are never right or wrong, but behaviors that hurt
other people are not OK. Adults do not need to protect other people from
a child's feelings, but they may need to intervene in hurtful behaviors.
Adults and children
are distinct, separate individuals. It is not necessary to own someone's
feelings or problems to show that person love.
Adults are not
responsible for changing or controlling the child's feelings. It's more
loving and supportive to communicate that a child's feelings are heard,
respected, and taken seriously than it is to "fix" the
situation, rescue the child from the feelings, or try to make the
feelings go away.
Children learn to
deal with feelings more effectively when they don't have to
"stuff" or hide them to protect a guilt-ridden or over-reacting
adult.
Responses that
interfere with children's ability to own, feel, or process their feelings
can block communications and erode trust in relationships, teach children
to mistrust their own feelings and perceptions, and interfere with the
development of problem-solving capabilities.
Let's look at some of
the patterns we've learned. At first glance, they may seem innocent
enough. However there's nearly always a response that's more supportive.
MAKE THE FEELINGS
GO AWAY
The first set of responses
are those that try to get the child out of his feelings or make the
feelings go away. These responses may be very familiar to adults who try
to protect children from their feelings or to adults who are
uncomfortable with their children's feelings. These responses communicate
a lack of respect for what the children are experiencing and puts
children in the position of having to defend their feelings. They
reinforce self-doubt and a sense of "wrongness" about having
the feelings, compounding the initial problem that never gets dealt with
when we try to make the feelings go away.
Dismissing/Minimizing. This type of response might
sound like "That's nothing to be upset over," "That
doesn't mean anything," or "So she called you a camel. Big
deal!" We may also dismiss a child's feelings by making excuses for
the other person's behavior: "He didn't know what he was
saying," "She must be having a bad day," or "Well,
you know, her parents are going through a divorce."
Let's face it. Some
of our kids' traumas may seem pretty frivolous at times, especially if
we're having a tough day or are in the middle of a trauma of our own.
Children lack the perspective that allows us to see how silly this will
all seem a year from now. However, whatever they're feeling is very real
to them.
And when children
have been hurt or abused, and we make excuses for the people who hurt
them, we convey a dangerous message that it's OK for them to be violated.
Denying. I've asked dozens of groups
of adults what the typical response might be to a child who says, "I
hate my sister." Without exception-and in unison-they reply,
"No you don't." Likewise, it's tempting to deny a child's fear
of monsters by telling him that they simply don't exist.
We deny children's
feelings when we are afraid of the feelings or when the feelings
challenge our reality (there's no such thing as monsters) or value system
(people shouldn't hate their sisters). Responses that deny the validity
or reality of a child's feelings-for whatever reasons-are crazy-making.
Distracting. We distract children from
their feelings by focusing on something else: "But you're so good in
your other subjects." "Things could be worse."
"You're lucky you have a brother." "You think you've got
problems?" "But his parents are so nice."
This is the technique
we rely on when we're too impatient with-or surprised by-children's
feelings, when we can't relate to what they're feeling and experiencing,
or when we're too wrapped up in our own issues and feelings to be
supportive. Distracting is also crazy-making (as are most of these
techniques) and extremely confusing to the child.
Medicating. Adults who would never think
of pouring their kids a shot of whiskey to help ease the pain of not having
a date for the prom, often think nothing of going out for ice cream to
accomplish the same thing. Medicating responses use some type of
substance (usually food) or activity (schoolwork, TV, chores, shopping)
to distract children from their feelings.
When we attempt to
medicate kids, we communicate that it's not only not OK to have the
feelings, but also that when feelings come up, the natural and correct
response is to take something or do something to make the feelings go
away. No one would deliberately create this set-up for addiction. Yet
this response may be fairly automatic, particularly for those of us who
have have a history of deliberately responding to our own feelings in
just this way.
MAKE THE CHILD
WRONG
The next set of
responses are those that somehow make the child wrong for having the
feeling. These responses are often expressed in anger, impatience, and
frustration, and often occur when a child expresses feelings that somehow
trigger a sense of shame, anger, inadequacy, or frustration in us:
"If I were doing a better job as a parent (or teacher), my kid
wouldn't feel this way."
Attacking/Shaming. Does it make you crazy when
kids experience certain feeling that could have been prevented if only
they'd listened? Have you ever been tempted to respond with something
like, "I told you this would happen!" or "Well, what did
you expect!"?
Any time you respond
to a child's communication with judgment and criticism, you're shaming
and attacking. It may sound like, "Don't be a sissy!"
"You're so ungrateful!" "Nice boys don't hate their
sisters!" or "You're just too sensitive!"
Shaming or attacking
responses may occur when a child has expressed feelings like fear, anger,
sadness, or neediness, but may also occur when a child is feeling joyful,
smug, or confident: "You think you know everything!" "Wipe
that smile off your face!"
Even non-verbal shows
of impatience, frustration, disappointment, or anger are attacking. These
responses make a child wrong for having the feelings. They reinforce
inadequacy, can provoke defensiveness, demolish self-esteem, and are a
sure-fire way to shut-down communications.
Blaming. A close relative to shaming
and attacking, these responses suggest that the child deserves the
discomfort he's feeling. This response might sound like: "What did
you do to her?" "Well, if you had just studied!" "Of
course it died! You never change the water in the fishbowl!"
"That's what happens when you overeat." "You never
listen."
I realize that these
hurtful kinds of responses can easily pop out of our mouths when we see a
child in pain that probably could have been avoided. Yet blaming, like so
many other non-supportive responses, simply compounds the problem. (The
time for instruction and guidance is not when the child is hurting, but
in some neutral, non-conflict time.)
Challenging. Asking children why they're
feeling a certain way is also asking them to defend their feelings and
their rights to have their feelings. We may challenge children because we
want more information, however there are more effective ways of inviting
further communication. (See guidelines that follow.)
Challenging children
communicates that it's only OK to have the feelings as long as they can
make the problem big enough or bad enough. It also communicates that your
acceptance of them-and their feelings-is conditional, based on their
ability to convince you in some way that their feelings are, indeed,
acceptable.
Enmeshing. This is a strange type of
attacking response that somehow focuses the feelings or the problem back
on the adult's experience. It may sound like, "Well I never had a
problem with Math" (which has nothing to do with the child's
reality) or "So now you know how I feel" (which uses the
child's experience to somehow vindicate the adult).
This response may be
especially tempting if you are a parent. Your child's feelings may be
hard to understand because of differences in your preferences, abilities,
and experiences, and they will certainly bring up your own issues at
times. (I once had a mother tell me that she responded to her daughter's
complaints of a headache by taking two asprin herself!) Yet responses
that confuse your feelings and experiences with those of your child are
extremely confusing and can be downright mean-spirited. The better able
you are to see your child as separate, the more supportive and
understanding you'll be able to be.
MAKE IT BETTER
The last set of
responses are those that attempt to fix it or make it better. These are
the responses you'll pull out when you want to comfort a child or change
the situation that's creating the feelings. These are the responses that
are triggered by the little voice in our heads that frantically yells,
"DO SOMETHING!" whenever we see someone in some type of
emotional distress, that hears an expression of feelings as a call to
rescue or help. These responses invariably interfere with the child's
ability to process feelings and solve problems because it takes the
responsibility for both out of his hands.
Advising. Many adults see their role in
their relationships with children as one of advising. After all, we have
experience, knowledge, and perspective that puts us in a position of
advising. But is that the response that called for? There's a difference
between "Daddy, can you show me how to tie my shoes?" and
"I'm scared about that Biology test tomorrow!"
When you sit down to
teach the child how to tie her shoes, you're responding to a request for
instruction and information. When you respond to the child's test anxiety
with advice to "Just get upstairs and study!" you not only are
disregarding her feelings, but you're also communicating an assumption
that she's too stupid to figure out what to do.
If the child is upset
that he can't get a date for the prom, can you hear his disappointment,
anger, frustration, or sadness without telling him to get his hair cut,
lose five pounds, or try calling his cousin Lucy again?
Rescuing. Rescuing involves solving
children's problems for them in order to relieve them of their feelings:
"How 'bout if I call my friends and see if any of their daughters
are free on prom night?" "That's OK, son. I'll pay the increase
in those insurance premiums." "Here. Let me see those math
problems."
Rescuing communicates
that somehow the child's feelings and problems are also your feelings and
problems and, like advising, suggests that the child is incapable of
dealing with either of these on her own.
Commisserating. Saying something like
"Ain't it awful," "He's a jerk," or "Well, you
don't need her anyway" may sound supportive, but commisserating
tends to reinforce victim behavior and self-righteousness. In certain
cases it may even backfire by inviting the child to defend the
"jerk's" behavior. Commisserating takes responsibility away
from the child because it suggests that the feelings and problems are
someone else's fault.
BEING A SUPPORTIVE
LISTENER
Is it possible that
everything we've learned is harmful? Considering the fact that few of us
have had healthy models of supportiveness in our lives, this doesn't seem
all that surprising. In fact, people are often dismayed-and even feel
abandoned-when someone they share feelings with doesn't react with the
above responses. So then, what are more supportive alternatives?
For one thing, being
supportive means allowing the other person to have his feelings.
It means listening.
It means resisting
the temptation to "fix" the person, the feelings, or the
problem. It means accepting him unconditionally even if we're
uncomfortable with the feelings, even if we don't understand his
feelings, or even if we'd react to the same situation with entirely
different feelings.
While these old
patterns may be difficult to break, adopting more supportive response
habits can benefit everyone involved. For example, supportiveness builds
trust in one's feelings and confidence in one's problem solving
capabilities. It keeps open channels of communication and enhances
relationships. Supportiveness allows us to avoid responses that can
confuse children or teach them to suppress their feelings. It encourages
children to feel-and deal with-their feelings, and helps them learn how
to express feelings without hurting other people.
Here are some
guidelines for supporting your children-or anyone for that matter-when
they're in the middle of their feelings:
Get clear on your role.
Be prepared to listen, accept, affirm, validate, and reflect. These
supportive behaviors will help you avoid the temptation to judge, own,
dismiss, or "fix" their feelings or the urge to tell them what
to do.
Open the door. An invitation to share one's
feelings suggests that you're available and open to listening. It might
sound like: "Do you want to talk?" "Is everything
OK?" If the answer is no, allow them to work things out in private,
and come back later: "I'm here if you want to talk about it." or
"Let me know if you change your mind?"
Validate and
accept.
Children may not be looking for answers nearly as much as they're seeking
acknowledgment and understanding. Let them know you hear them and respect
what they're saying. "I see," "I understand," and
"I know what you mean" are appropriate and valuable responses
that invite children to elaborate if they feel the need. Likewise,
"Tell me more," "Sounds like you're having a hard time
with this" or "How do you feel about that?" demonstrate
your interest and the fact that you take them seriously.
Even if children say
something hurtful to you, you can still validate and accept their
feelings without getting hooked by what they say. It may be hard to not
take "I hate you" rather personally, but the fewer buttons such
a statement pushes for you, the less likely the child will be to attempt
to continue to use it to hurt or manipulate you. You can acknowledge the
child's feelings without shaming, getting defensive, or hurting back
("You're really angry with me right now."), to help him feel
and work through his anger . If you find yourself getting a little hot
under the collar, express and disengage ("I don't like hearing that.
Let's talk about this a little later."), and give the child-and yourself-some
emotional space.
Encourage them to
find solutions where necessary. Sometimes, all your children need will be
the reassurance that their feelings are OK to have. There will be times,
however, that their feelings suggest problems that require action. Resist
the temptation to advise them. Instead, guide them to look at their
options and decide what they need to do: "What do you want to
happen?" "What do you wish you could do?" "What do
you need right now?" "What do you plan to do about that?"
"What options do you have?" "What can you do about
that?" "What do you think will happen if you do that?"
"How do you think you'll feel after that?"
Ask-don't tell.
Distinguish
between feelings and behaviors. Even if we grew up in with supportive adults, we may
still get a little nervous with feelings because we often confuse
feelings with actions. For example, "I hate Alice" is a
feeling, and since feelings are never right or wrong, it's also exempt
from judgment. On the other hand, punching Alice in the nose, or even
telling Alice that you hate her, is an action-an attack that violates
Alice's rights and self-esteem. We not only need to teach children how to
distinguish between feelings (which are OK) and actions (which sometimes
are not), we also need to help them learn how to express feelings without
violating anyone else.
If the child becomes
hurtful or abusive, suggest that you continue the discussion when he can
do so without attacking, and then walk away. Leave the door open for him
to come back and attack the problem-without attacking you!
Maintain your
boundaries.
It's OK to ask "How can I help you?" or "What would you
like from me?" as long as you stay clear on your role. Be assured
that children may, especially at first, see these questions as
invitations to ask you to call the school to get them out of the test,
write their thank you notes for them, or move to a new house that doesn't
have monsters in the closet. Invite their suggestions even if you
frequently need to respond with "No, that wouldn't work for me,"
"I wouldn't be comfortable doing that," or "It isn't my
place to do that." Encourage them to make other suggestions that you
can, in-deed, live with-perhaps, for example, check their answers on
study papers, provide them with stationery or loan them your pen, or put
a chair in front of the closet door.
Model and teach
conflict management. If you can model ways of depersonalizing conflicts ("You can
turn on the TV when you two agree on a channel" rather than "It
makes me so sad to hear you two fight all the time") and attacking
problems instead of people ("This room is a mess" rather than
"You're such a slob"), you can help your children learn those
skills. Likewise, taking responsibility for your feelings ("I'm
really angry!" rather than "You make me so mad!") and
expressing your feelings honestly ("I'm a little upset right now and
I'm not ready to talk about it" rather than "I'm FINE!")
can help your children do the same.
Talk to your
children, preferrably in a non-conflict time, about ways in which they
can express feelings-especially anger-without violating or hurting anyone
else. For example, it's always less hurtful to say "I hate it
when..." than "I hate you."
Ask them to suggest
things they can do when they're feeling angry that don't hurt other
people and make clear that there are options that you support (such as
punching pillows, yelling and throwing a tantrum on the bed, writing a
letter to the person they're angry with and then tearing it into 100
pieces, drawing a picture of how they're feeling or what they wish they
could do, throwing pebbles into a pond or at a tree in a field, or
journaling). When your children know that it's OK to feel and express
anger-or any feeling-in non-hurtful ways, they may not have to violate
anyone, including themselves, whenever angry feelings come up.
When the dust
settles, you can also ask your child some problem-solving questions, such
as "How did that situation work out?" "How do you feel
about what happened?" "How do you think you'll handle this next
time?" (or "What will you do differently the next time it
happens?") or "What can you do to avoid this problem in the
future?"
Remember that we all
have feelings. Children need a safe, supportive emotional environment in
order to learn to feel and express their feelings in healthy ways.
Hopefully, increasing numbers of adults are learning to live with,
appreciate, and even enjoy their feelings. As we adopt behaviors that
support the children in our lives, we teach them to reach for
understanding and validation-instead of the brownies.
A dynamic and
entertaining speaker, Dr. Bluestein has worked with thousands of
educators, counselors, administrators, health-care providers, criminal
justice personnel and parents. Her down-to earth speaking style,
practicality, sense of humor, and numerous examples make her ideas clear
and accessible to her audiences. Dr. Bluestein's books, video's and
publications are available in our on-line marketplace.
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